Disabled
by OMWG
Summary: Impact. That's all it takes for something you had always taken for granted to be suddenly ripped away from you. NO slash! On indefinite hiatus.
1. Impact

**OMWGNOTE: **This _story_ is dedicated to Miss Fenway and EpicInTheLibrary, based on the mere fact that they both provide me with all of my angsty ideas. Also, you'll be seeing a quote at the beginning of each chapter. You're probably going to see a _lot_ of the same bands like Mayday Parade, All Time Low, The Maine, Go Radio…it's because I have way more songs by artists than actual singles. Just letting you know.

Oh, and expect this to be updated once a week. I'm not going to neglect Monster or I'm Fine, Just Fine (which only has one more chapter hahaha) but this story is basically completely planned out and it's amazing and seriously, I'm really, really excited for it. If I don't update it once a week you have permission to send me a PM and bug the shit out of me.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own anything.

* * *

_"You don't have to be so scared. You don't have to go tonight. I just need to hold on tight for one hell of a ride." –Forever My Father, Go Radio_

"You know," Kendall began. "I really think it sucks that Gustavo is making us walk back to the Palm Woods again."

The road the boys of Big Time Rush were walking along was eerily empty, only a few cars rushing by every few minutes. Either Los Angeles roads weren't busy past ten on a Tuesday night, or everyone was staying where they were due to the heavy downpour that was currently unleashing on the famous city.

Logan shook his head. "He said it was to prepare us for more concerts to come," He informed his friend. "To build up endurance and stuff."

Kendall laughed bitterly as James pulled the drawstrings on his hoodie, fixing his hood so that it completely covered his hair. "I can _endure _walking back to the Palm Woods," he told the others. "That's no problem. What I cannot _endure_ is this stupid rain ruining my hair!"

"Do you want my helmet?" Carlos innocently asked. "It'll protect your hair from the rain."

James scoffed at the idea. "I'd rather have wet hair than _helmet hair_."

"You know what? I was just trying to be nice. I wouldn't have let you use it anyway," Carlos retaliated. "Even if you got on your knees and begged."

Before a fight between his two immature friends could break out, Kendall raised his hands and promptly smacked each of them on the back of the head, causing a soft, "Ow!" from James and stinging in his right hand from coming in contact with the hard plastic of Carlos' helmet.

Carlos smiled in satisfaction. "Nobody messes with _my_ helmet and gets away with it."

Just then, a car sped past, unfortunately rolling through a puddle as it sped past. Water shot through the air, effectively soaking the four boys more than they already were. James, however, was affected the most, being closest to the road from where he was walking.

James stopped dead in his tracks, shivering and the expression on his face looking far from pleased. "You're kidding me, right?" He asked through clenched teeth.

"James, it's just a little water," Kendall reminded him, rolling his eyes.

James shook his head. "No, it's just a little water on _you_. I got completely soaked."

Logan sighed. "James, standing in the rain is going to get us soaked anyway," He said, brushing some of the hair that was matted to his forehead out of his eyes. "Besides, it's not like you're going anywhere else tonight. Who cares if your hair gets messed up?"

"I care," James told him. "I can see why you wouldn't, but my hair actually looks _good_, and I spend a lot of time in the morning on it. I don't want it messed up by the weather!"

"My hair looks good," Logan huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "I spend at least twenty minutes trying to get it to spike with hair gel, and let me tell you, it isn't easy!"

Kendall rolled his eyes again and interrupted before James could come up with a comeback. "Really?" He asked. "You two are fighting about hair getting wet. Don't you know by standing here your hair is only going to get more wet?" He shook his head and then began walking forward again.

"I agree with Kendall," Carlos said. "You two are ridiculous, and that's saying a lot coming from me." Suddenly his face lit up. "I have an idea," He informed the others. Kendall stopped and turned around again. "Why don't we race back to the Palm Woods? Then James can get inside to fix his hair and Logan can fix his hair and we can all be happy!"

"Carlos, I don't think that's such a good idea," Logan said. "It's raining and the sidewalks are slippery."

Kendall smiled, putting an arm around Logan's shoulder. "Logie, nothing's going to happen," He said. "Worst case scenario, one of us falls and gets a few scrapes. Big deal."

"But what about cars?" Logan asked.

James shook his head. "Logan, do you _see_ any cars?"

"Well, no—"

"So what is there to worry about?" Kendall asked him.

There was a lot to worry about. No matter how dead the streets of Los Angeles looked, there could always be a car coming at any time. This wasn't even just true with Los Angeles; the world was full of cars. There weren't many places in the world where you could go and not come in contact with an automobile. Rain made this all the more dangerous, based on the simple fact that a car could start hydroplaning and the driver could lose control of the wheel.

But although Logan knew there was a possibility that one of them could get hurt, he pushed it to the back of his mind.

"Okay, but we have to stop at the crosswalk that would take us to the Palm Woods. I don't want anyone getting hit by a car." The three boys nodded quickly. Sighing, Logan said, "I've gotta get new friends." The three boys before him beamed, and Logan felt a small smile creep onto his face as well.

"Alright," Carlos said, the four boys getting into position. "On your mark, get set…" He paused for dramatic effect. "Go!"

And then they were off, shoes slapping hard against the pavement and rain harshly hitting their faces, making it hard to see. Logan pulled ahead of all the others in no time, James close behind him. Carlos and Kendall soon fell behind, not even trying anymore. Logan and James had always been the fastest of the group, James due to his long legs and Logan due to his light weight.

It soon became a competition between just Logan and James, each boy often looking at the other and then trying to push himself further.

As the crosswalk came into view, James started to push himself harder. He made his strides bigger, using his long legs as an advantage. He soon pulled ahead of Logan, and a smile made its way onto his face as he reached the destination.

But then he kept going, crossing the street and stopping at the beginning of the sidewalk on the other side.

He jumped in victory. "Yes!" He screeched, fist pumping into the air. He started to do a victory dance. Logan had already slowed down a bit; there was no point in tiring himself more if James already had it in the bag, and Kendall and Carlos had given up long ago and were now walking back.

Logan slowed to a walk, again moving his hair out of his face. But what happened in the next moment caused him to break out into a run again, running faster than before, faster than he had ever run in his entire life.

A car was speeding down the street, going far too fast for the current weather conditions. It ran a read light and spun around once, and Logan knew that the driver had no control of the car. It was hydroplaning. This isn't what made Logan run for his life.

He was running for his friend's life. James was still dancing like it was nobody's business, his eyes closed and his back turned to Logan. And the car was headed straight towards him.

Logan knew that Kendall and Carlos also saw the car heading straight towards their friend, judging by the fact he heard two sets of feet slamming into the pavement behind him. But Logan was faster. Logan had the chance to save James.

"_James_!" He screamed, still trying desperately to get to where his friend was standing. He was almost to the crosswalk, just a few more steps and he could safely pull James out of harm's way.

James opened his eyes and turned his head at the sound of his friend's panicked voice, and stopped breathing when he saw the car coming towards him. The headlights illuminated his face and made him squint, and he wanted to move out of the way, but he was frozen with fear. The fact that the car was only two feet away from him didn't help either.

And then James felt impact, sending him hurtling to the ground. But he fell flat on his face, meaning he had to have been pushed from behind. The car was coming at him from his left.

Then he heard a cry of pain, and was about to turn his head at the sound when it happened.

Logan's plan had been to run into James from behind, pushing them both out of the way of the car. He wouldn't have enough time to pull James out of the way; the car was coming too quickly. But his only hope had been smashed, for James was much larger than him. Therefore, where Logan had meant to push James completely out of the way, the force of his small body only caused James to fall to the ground.

Logan fell to the ground as well, and doing so landed on his knee in a horribly wrong way. He _felt_ a ligament in his knee tearing, sending him to the ground crying out in pain and clutching his knee. He knew the car was still coming, knew that he had to warn James to try to avoid getting hit, but the only thing that he could do was scrunch his body up and wait for impact.

He felt like a horrible friend.

The car hit them then. The right front tire caught Logan's foot, crushing the unfortunate bones. Logan cried out in pain again, drawing his legs closer to his body to avoid getting hit by the back tires.

James wasn't so lucky.

The car's front left tire ran over his lower back, and James heard a cracking sound coming from his body that couldn't be good. He cried out in agony, trying to move to get out of the way. But he wasn't quick enough, and the second tire on the left side ran over the same place in his back again. This time, James heard no crack, but he felt unbelievable pain where the car had struck him twice.

The vehicle sped away from the two boys before crashing into a nearby building.

Logan was concerned about the driver of the automobile, but not as concerned as he was about the sobbing, screaming boy next to him.

He still heard Kendall and Carlos running toward the scene, but he payed no mind to this. Instead, he focused all of his attention on James, concentrating all of his energy to drag himself the few inches over to where his friend lay, screaming.

He eventually made it over to the other boy just as Carlos and Kendall arrived.

"Are you guys okay?" Kendall asked frantically.

If James was up to it, he would have glared at him. "No!" He screamed, but it came out more as a strangled sob.

"Where does it hurt, James?" Logan asked, trying to suppress the pain he was feeling.

James let out another sob. "My back," He cried, pain clearly evident in his voice. "Make it stop!"

Logan looked to Carlos and Kendall. "Help me flip him over," He said over James' sobbing.

"What about you?" Carlos asked, his own tears running down his face. "You're hurt too!"

Logan resisted the urge to smack his palm to his face. "Yes, I am hurt. But I'll be fine, it's only my knee. I can't say the same for James, so stop arguing and help me flip him over."

Without any more protests, the three boys helped their injured friend roll over onto his back. The minute the injured part of his body touched the ground, James cried out in agony, sobbing the same thing over and over. "Make it stop," He begged, clutching Kendall and Logan's shirts in his hands. "Please!"

But they couldn't do anything.

Kendall felt incredibly helpless. He always took charge in bad situations, and now he could only watch as his friend suffered the worst pain he's ever suffered in his life. Kendall couldn't do a thing about it. He felt tears fall from his eyes and mix in with the rain water on his face as he watched his friend sob and beg.

Carlos felt like he was going to throw up. He didn't like bad situations. He liked to think about _kittens_. He didn't like to see James screaming bloody murder, his handsome face distorted with the pain he was feeling. Carlos began to sob with him, not knowing what to do.

Logan just felt all around horrible. If he had gotten to James faster, this wouldn't have happened. If he had pulled James out of the way or at least was strong enough to push him completely out of harm's way, James wouldn't be in so much pain at the moment. Or perhaps if he hadn't even agreed to the race in the first place, James wouldn't have been in harm's way at all. And Logan felt extremely guilty, sobbing his eyes out not because of his pain but because of the pain James was feeling.

"Make it stop," James begged again. "Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!"

Apparently someone had seen the accident, because Logan could faintly hear sirens in the distance.

He turned to James then. "James?" He waited until the boy looked at him, tears and rain streaming down his pained face as he sobbed. "You need to hang in there, alright? The ambulances are coming to get you soon."

"Are they going to make it stop?" He asked. James sobbed a bit more as Logan answered.

"I hope so," He whispered, but his voice was drowned out by James' cries and the steadily growing closer sirens.

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**OMWGNOTE:** Uh. I don't know what to say. Sorry James? Review? Maybe?


	2. Broken

**OMWGNOTE: **Yayyy thank you for the reviews. They were all amazing and I love you all. I just wanted to point out that I made a slight mistake: I will be updating _at least_ once every week, not once a week. If I updated once a week it would take almost a year for this story to be done, ahha. Yeah, that's right. FIFTY CHAPTERS. WHAT NOW.

Okay I'm done.

**DISCLAIMER**: I'm going to make this applicable for the rest of the story: I obviously don't own Big Time Rush. If I did, I wouldn't be here. This would be an episode already. So yeah.

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"_This fragile game, it's like a train that's headed nowhere. It never stops, and I can't see the exit sign. We're headed North, I see the cliff, we're getting closer…" –Inside of You, The Maine_

James is still crying and whimpering when the paramedics arrive, all piling out of two different ambulances and rushing forward to the scene. Many of the medics flock to James while a few stay behind, getting a stretcher ready. It's Kendall who informs them that Logan is hurt as well and needs a stretcher too.

As the medics prepare Logan's stretcher, he can't help but stare at James. His friend is literally writhing in agony, his face contorted in pain and his arms flailing. Logan can't help but notice that James isn't moving his legs _at all_, and that worries him. Back injuries can get very serious and Logan is afraid that James' might be _too_ serious.

The paramedics are still trying to find a way to lift James onto the stretcher without hurting him. Logan remembers being at a football game where a player received a back injury and it took the medics at least fifteen minutes to get him off the field. He's worried and all he wants to do is wait by James' side but he's able to leave much earlier and it bothers him.

Logan can feel his cheeks flush in humiliation as he's put onto the stretcher and strapped down lightly. He hates having attention focused on him and currently a small crowd has gathered in the rain to observe the scene. Logan didn't know what it was about accidents but somehow people were drawn to them and once you looked, you couldn't look away.

As he's loaded into the ambulance, Logan sees Kendall and Carlos talking to a paramedic. He can't make out the words because he's suddenly surrounded by many beeping machines but soon Carlos nods and then with the assistance of the man they were talking to is helped into the ambulance. He sits by Logan's side and immediately grabs Logan's hand, squeezing it tightly.

"What about James?" Logan asks, not looking at Carlos but instead trying to look at James. The medics are still swarmed around him and they've got the stretcher down to his level, but no one is showing any signs of moving James just yet.

"Don't worry about James," Carlos says to him, squeezing his hands again. "He's going to be okay."

Logan shook his head wildly, his eyes finding Carlos' gaze finally. "No he's not," Logan informed him. "He's hurt and it's all my fault."

Carlos had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. "So are you," Carlos tells him matter-of-factly. "Logan, I know things look bad right now. But if you hadn't tried to push James out of the way…Logie, the car was headed straight for him. He would have been killed." Logan flinched at his sentence but Carlos continued anyway. "But you saved him, okay? James may be hurt really badly but at least he's not dead. He's going to be okay, Logan. I promise."

Logan wasn't sure if he should believe Carlos or not. He was still convinced that it was his fault that James was in as much pain as he was in currently and he felt absolutely horrible about it. Even though his knee and foot were throbbing he still cared more for his friend's well being rather than his own.

But he hangs onto Carlos' words, because just then the paramedic shuts the door and they're already on their way to the hospital. Logan really just hopes that Carlos is right about this whole thing.

* * *

"Ken_daa-aaa-aaaallllll,_" James calls out, the last syllable broken up by three different sobs. The boy in question is currently having his shirt nearly ripped off of him by James, who's gripping onto it like it's the only thing that's keeping him alive.

The self-appointed leader of their friend group reaches out and pushes a few rain-soaked strands off of James' forehead and away from his eyes. "I'm right here, James," Kendall whispers, knowing that if he actually talked aloud his voice would break in several places.

James sobbed a little bit more before continuing. "It hurts," He cried, gripping onto Kendall's shirt impossibly tighter.

"I know, James," Kendall says, even though it's a lie because he really _doesn't_ know. "I know. But Carlos and Logan are on their way to the hospital and soon you will be too, okay? You've just got to hang in there."

"But it hurts so much," James protested. "I just want it to stop."

Kendall's hand finds James' and he grips onto it tightly, squeezing it. "It will, James," Kendall tells him. "The paramedics are gonna bring you to the hospital soon and then the pain will be gone."

James nods, apparently in too much pain to even speak now. But Kendall can tell that James believes him with all the hope his friend has left in him, and Kendall just hopes he doesn't let James down. He's already done that once tonight and he's not going to let it happen again.

It takes seventeen minutes—not that Kendall has been counting or anything—for the paramedics to deem James ready to be placed on the stretcher. They ask Kendall to move away for a moment and when he does, James starts freaking out. It takes four minutes of convincing on Kendall's part and keeping his eyes on James the whole time for the paramedics finally being able to do something.

They lift James onto the stretcher carefully and once he's on, they beginning strapping him down tightly in several different places. Fortunately they load him into the ambulance quickly and even let Kendall ride with him, which both Kendall and James are grateful for.

The minute Kendall steps foot into the ambulance James confronts him, though his words are barely coherent in between his sobs. "Stay with me," He pleads. "Don't leave me until they make the pain stop."

"Okay," Kendall says, because that's all he can say. He doesn't know _what_ to say and this fact scares him and makes him feel like a horrible friend. But he just grabs James' hand again and holds on tighter than he was before, because maybe that will make him seem like a better friend than he actually is.

And it does, because James is immediately comforted, even if just a little bit.

* * *

When James came to he found that he was still extremely tired. He had not even opened his eyes yet and he felt like he would never be able to, seeing as though it felt like four billion tons were currently resting harmlessly over his retinas. He wasn't even going to try and open them and get back to the sleep he so desperately needed, but there were a few elements that kept him up.

For one, the entire lower half of his body felt nonexistent. He had no trouble remembering the event that most likely caused this sensation, but he had expected it to end up with pain instead of a feeling of weightlessness in his lower regions. James concluded that he was in a hospital and obviously on a high amount of pain-killers, or he was one hundred percent sure that he would have been screaming his head off by now.

Another thing that kept him awake was the whimpers and occasional sob that was coming somewhere from his left. Whimpers and sobs meant that someone was crying. He didn't know who was even in the room with him, but his heart clenched painfully for whoever it was that was sad. James didn't like it when people were upset.

Lastly, James remained conscious because of the presence of another hand in his. Palms clamped together, the owner of the other hand was running their thumb across the back of James' in a soothing motion. James decided that this felt very nice.

Despite his exhaustion, James knew that he wouldn't be able to succumb back into the bliss that was unconsciousness. Obviously at least one person wanted him to be awake, and even if that wasn't true, he wanted to know who was crying. James was a very curious person and it would kill him not to know who was upset.

Pulling together what felt like all of his strength, James slowly opened his eyes. His vision was blurry from his tiredness but he fought against it and kept his eyes open. However, no one even noticed that he was awake until he reached up with the hand someone wasn't holding to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

All noise other than the two heart monitors in the room ceased then, and James took this moment of silence to scan the room.

He saw that it was Mrs. Knight that was holding his hand, her eyes incredibly sad for reasons unknown to James. Looking past her he saw Katie in the corner, sleeping on two chairs pressed together but looking uncomfortable as he did so. Looking to his left, he saw Kendall and Carlos sitting by another bed in the room, both of them looking really upset as well. And then James' eyes came to a rest on Logan, who he assumed was the one who was crying.

His friend looked absolutely horrible. His face was flushed and his eyes were red and puffy with tears still streaming down his cheeks. Upon closer inspection James noticed the large black brace wrapped around Logan's right leg and a tiny bit of red sticking out underneath it, something that James figured was a cast. But the worst part about Logan was the guilt clouding in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," His friend sobbed before he could say anything. James' brow furrowed in confusion. What would Logan ever have to be sorry about? James felt like someone had shoved sandpaper down his throat as he watched Logan bury his head into Kendall's shoulder, who had now moved onto the shorter boy's bed in an attempt to console him.

James immediately looked to Mrs. Knight for an answer. Maybe it was because she was the only adult in the room, or maybe it was because she just looked like she _knew_ what was going on. But either way, she was the first person James trusted to tell him absolutely everything.

Sighing, Mrs. Knight resumed rubbing the circles on the back of James' hand. "James, honey," She began. "You've been out for a few hours now. You got to the hospital sometime around eleven and went into surgery near midnight after they explained the procedure to me."

"Okay," James said, and his voice definitely sounded like he had swallowed sandpaper.

"Basically, when the car ran over your back, it broke your spine in one place," Mrs. Knight told him, and James winced at the last part. "The surgery would make sure they fixed that."

James nodded. "Okay," He said again. "I guess that explains why I can't feel my legs. Did they use some special drug to make it feel like that?"

Mrs. Knight's face softened and Logan let out another sob and apology from beside him. Now James was ridiculously confused. Mrs. Knight patted his hand with her free one and said, "James, I think you should wait until your father and brother arrive to hear the rest."

"What?" James demanded. "Why?" He was beginning to feel an inkling of worry make its way into his system.

Kendall's mother tried not to break down just then but she was finding it hard. She let a few tears escape as she continued to talk to James in a soft tone. "Because I think you'll need your family to be with you," She said quietly. "They should be getting here in a few hours."

James scoffed. "You guys all know that you're like a second family to me," He informed his friend's mom. "Please, Mama K. I can't wait a few more hours. I need to know _now_. What's wrong?"

"James," She said, but the name came out more as a sigh than an actual word. "Honey, your doctor came in a little while ago. He said that the surgery went well—"

"If it went well then why is there bad news?" James demanded.

Carlos cut in from the other side of the room, his tone soft and sad. "James, just let her finish."

Trying to hold in his frustration, James nodded and then Mrs. Knight continued. "He said that the surgery went well," She repeated. "But when you were run over, the car didn't only break your spine. It damaged some of the nerve endings in your spine."

Somehow the words Mrs. Knight was supplying him with didn't register correctly in James' brain. He didn't see how that had to do with anything. He heard Logan let out another cry from beside him but still, nothing was making sense to James.

Sensing that James was still in the dark, Mrs. Knight continued. "The damaged nerve endings are, for lack of a better term, a road block for your brain," Mrs. Knight explained.

"What is that supposed to mean?" James asked. He felt stupid for doing so but he really wasn't understanding what Mrs. Knight was trying to tell him. He ignored Logan's incoherent sobs from behind him and strained to hear Mrs. Knight even though she was right next to him.

"It means that your brain can't send signals to your legs anymore," She told him.

James nodded, finally looking like he got it. "So that's why I can't feel my legs," James told her, and Mrs. Knight was surprised at how calm James was about the whole thing. "So when can I feel them again?"

Mrs. Knight wanted to cry at her son's friends' innocence. "Honey, you won't be able to," She informed him sadly. "You're paralyzed, James."

When she imagined telling James the news about his condition, she pictured James crying and being upset. He _was_ paralyzed, after all. But Mrs. Knight became confused when James only showed more confusion, looking at Mrs. Knight as if she had two heads.

"But paralyzed means that you can't move your legs," James told her shakily. "I—I can't be paralyzed. I was walking this morning! Just because I can't feel my legs doesn't mean I can't move them—"

"Honey," Mrs. Knight interrupted. "When the nerve endings were damaged, it took away your ability to walk. I'm sorry, James. They tried everything they could."

James' gaze flickered to his three friends on the other side of the room. Logan was sobbing harder than he had been before, still apologizing over and over again. Both of his other friends were staring at him with expressions laced with sadness and sympathy, as if they were just confirming what Mrs. Knight had said.

But it didn't make any sense; James _couldn't_ be paralyzed. He was James Diamond, future pop-star of the world. He was going to be famous. Famous people could walk.

James' attention turned to his legs then, willing for them to move. But when he tried anything, nothing happened. He tried to make it happen again but still, his legs remained unmoving. He furrowed his brow and concentrated all of his energy on making is legs moved. But he stayed like that for what seemed like forever and there was still no change in the lower half of his body.

It dawned on him then that Mrs. Knight hadn't been lying to him. He really was paralyzed. He wouldn't be able to walk or run or skip or dance or do back flips _ever again_.

James felt like he was going to be sick.

Scratch that. He _was_ going to be sick. Because just then, he turned to his left and leaning over the railing on his bed, James promptly threw up whatever was left in his stomach.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE**: _DOUBLE UPDATE ACROSS THE SKKKKYYYY! _If you don't make a connection to that you don't get a Big Time Rush character plushie of your choice. If you do you get thirty of your favorite character.

So yeah, double update, man. Don't expect it to happen often. But yeah, hahaha. This is what awesome readers get because reviewers make me happy. So if you keep reviewing I'll keep updating. LET'S GO PEOPLE MOVE OUT!

And aww Kendall and James and Carlos and Logan are cuties. AND WOAH FOR ONCE MRS. KNIGHT HAS A PURPOSE IN MY STORIES. Way to be a Debby Downer, Mama K. –shakes head-

OH. AND SORRY FOR THE PAST TENSE PRESENT TENSE STUFF. I KNOW IT'S CONFUSING BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO FIX IT. The rest will be in past tense. :3


	3. Kindness

**OMWGNOTE: **Thank you for the reviews on the second chapter. They were marvelous. And that's really saying something because it takes a lot for someone such as myself to use a word as marvelous as _marvelous_.

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"_Come on and pick me up, somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. I'm alive; I don't need a witness to know that I survived." –The Resolution, Jack's Mannequin_

James had thrown up over an hour ago but he still felt sick to his stomach. He had never imagined that he could feel so absolutely horrible but he surely was feeling that at the moment.

There was something about him being paralyzed that he just couldn't wrap his mind around. He honestly would rather have both of his legs cut off rather than him having legs and not being able to use them. Staring at his now useless legs made him want to cry. They were _right there_, but he just couldn't use them. It was tantalizing and James was sure this was the worst form of torture. Any kind of pain couldn't amount to this.

He sighed, drawing the attention of the other people in the room with him. It was early in the morning and Mrs. Knight had gone down to the cafeteria with Katie to get everyone breakfast. Kendall and Carlos were by Logan's bed, watching the early-morning cartoons on one of the children's networks and Logan, who had finally stopped crying a little over twenty minutes ago, was now sleeping. James didn't like seeing the troubled look on his friend's face while he slept, but it was much better than the loud sobs and constant apologies Logan made when he was awake.

Silently, Kendall and Carlos both stood up and brought their chairs as quietly as they could to James' side of the room. Both had been busy comforting Logan and hadn't really talked to James the entire time he was awake. But James wasn't mad; he understood that Logan was obviously very upset and guilt-ridden and needed more support than he did at the moment.

"Hey," Kendall said softly as he sat down next to James. "How are you doing?"

James had to think about whether or not he should lie to his best friend or be absolutely truthful. Because if he lied, he would have an answer, but if he told the truth he wouldn't really know what to say.

"Honestly?" James asked, deciding that being truthful would probably be best. "I don't really know. I mean, I know I'm upset because I can't walk anymore, but I can't help but think I should probably be _more_ upset."

Carlos and Kendall nodded. "Well it's going to take some getting used to," Carlos said quietly.

"It's going to take more than some getting used to, Carlos," James said. "I can't walk anymore. I'm going to be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and nothing is ever going to be the same."

"James, we know," Kendall told him. "If I could go back and time and prevent this whole thing from happening, I would. But unfortunately I'm no time traveler, and I'm going to think about what I could have done every day that you're like this. But I promise, James. You're not going to go through this alone."

"I second that," Carlos added. "And I'm sure if Logan were awake, he would agree too. We've always got your back, buddy."

"But everything is going to change," James nearly whispered. "I'm going to need help with everything and I might have to go back to Minnesota, even."

Kendall sighed and got up from his chair, sitting next to James on the bed. "Hey," He said in a soft tone. "If you go back to Minnesota, we all do. We're a package deal, James. The four of us were best friends way before we were pop stars."

"And besides," Carlos said. "We've already tried Big Time Rush without you once. It didn't really work out."

James chuckled softly at the memory but soon he went completely serious. "So you guys won't be mad if I get us all sent home?" He asked.

"There's nothing we would be able to be mad about," Kendall said. "You being paralyzed isn't your fault, and don't even think for a second that it is. If Gustavo or Griffin wants to fire you for something that isn't your fault at all, then it's their loss."

"But—"

"But nothing. You're still the same James whether you can walk or not and if people can't accept that, then they can go fuck themselves." Carlos said.

Kendall smacked his shorter friend. "Carlos," He said sternly. "Language!"

"Who are you, my mother?" Carlos asked, scoffing at him.

"No," Kendall said. "But swearing is bad."

"Oh please," Carlos retaliated. "You swear all of the time."

"You can't prove that and therefore it never happens."

"Bullshi—"

"Carlos!"

James was surprised that Logan hadn't woken up from the noise of the argument Kendall and Carlos were currently having, and he was glad. Logan had been so _sad_ and he kept apologizing so James could only assume that Logan blamed himself for the whole ordeal. James knew that it wasn't Logan's fault and he would soon have to make his friend aware of that fact.

But for now, even though nothing was going right, James felt a small smile grace his features. He honestly didn't know what he would do without his best friends.

In the midst of his friends' fighting Mrs. Knight returned with her daughter, carrying two trays of food for Kendall and Carlos. James and Logan hadn't really eaten anything yet and they couldn't until the hospital staff brought them food.

James watched on hungrily as Carlos and Kendall practically inhaled their food. But a movement from beside him caught his peripheral vision, so he turned his head and found that the source was Mrs. Knight.

"James," She said, grabbing his hand as she sat down in a chair next to his bed. "I ran into your doctor on the way up here. He says that it would be best for you to try and get some sleep." James nodded, but was confused as to why he had been awake for at least an hour now and hadn't met his doctor. "And just think," Mrs. Knight continued. "When you wake up, your father and brother will probably be here. Your dad called me a few minutes ago to let me know they were boarding the plane."

Smiling, James nodded again. "Alright. Thanks, Mama K." She returned his smile and then got up, informing everyone that she was going to take Katie back to the Palm Woods to get some better rest. The three conscious boys bid her goodbyes and watched the door fall shut behind her.

James ignored the small talk Kendall and Carlos were quietly making and closed his eyes, begging for sleep to take him. He was grateful that his family was coming to see him because he definitely needed the support. But despite being excited about his family's arrival, James was very grateful for Mrs. Knight's kindness. Ever since his mother had been hospitalized a year four months ago, Mrs. Knight had almost taken the role of his own mother. She showed nothing but kindness since the horrible incident and James was very grateful for that.

When his thoughts finally stopped pestering, James began to feel a heavy weight take residence in his eyelids. Soon the voices of his friends and the sounds coming from the television faded away, and James was finally asleep.

* * *

When James woke up again he had no idea how long he had slept, but he didn't immediately open his eyes. This was a strange habit he had picked up over the years. He would always listen to his surroundings for a minute or so to mentally prepare himself for what he would face when he opened his eyes.

James figured that both his brother and father were in the room. He felt a large hand on top of his that could only belong to his own father and because he could hear the Mario theme music in the background, he knew that Shane was also there and playing on his handheld gaming device.

Straining his ears, he assumed that Logan was awake as well and quietly talking to Kendall and Carlos. If he listened hard enough, James could make out something about ice cream and interpretive dancing. As much as he wanted to make a skeptical expression after hearing a snippet of his friends' conversation he forced himself to stay expressionless. He didn't want to 'wake up' just yet.

He was afraid of everyone's reactions to him being awake. Kendall and Carlos hadn't been bad but the last time both he and Logan were conscious, Logan was sobbing and apologizing for whatever it was that he did. James had no idea what triggered a reaction like this in his best friend and he was afraid that waking up would cause it again.

James also had no idea how his family would react. Mrs. Knight wasn't very happy about the news and obviously felt very bad for James. James wasn't entirely sure what his own parents' reaction would be but he was sure that his father wasn't happy about it.

He was also very worried about his little brother. His younger sibling tended to keep to himself a lot but James knew that he was very emotional when it came to bad situations. When their mother was diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia two months after James' birthday and the death of their grandmother, Shane took it worse than James did. James didn't know if this was because he was younger and spent less time with their mother than James did or if the whole situation simply just scared him. James figured that it was a little bit of both.

But still, James knew that Shane didn't handle bad news very well. Learning that your older brother is paralyzed may not be as bad as discovering that your mother could do nothing more than stare at a wall all day, but James was sure that Shane must still be scared after discovering the news.

Now James had been awake for several minutes and yet he still hadn't opened his eyes. He didn't want to make Logan or Shane cry and he wasn't particularly excited to see his father's reaction to his paralysis but he knew that he couldn't hide forever. He was going to have to face reality soon anyway and James had always been the "sooner rather than later" type of person.

James inhaled deeply and then opened his eyes, only to find almost every gaze in the room focused on him. He immediately felt warmth start in his neck and slowly creep up to his cheeks, most likely turning them a deeper shade of crimson than they naturally were.

He stole a glance at each person in the room. Shane had obviously put his game on pause and was staring at James with a scared expression, obviously not knowing what to do now that his brother was conscious. His eyes landed on his father and he almost wished they hadn't. Kurt Diamond was staring at him with the most sympathetic expression James had seen anyone ever wear. It was even worse than when his mother was first diagnosed and everyone was feeling sorry for him because this time it was coming from his own father.

James quickly averted his gaze and focused his attention on Kendall and Carlos. Both boys were looking between James and Logan anxiously, as if they were wondering which would explode first. When James finally looked at Logan he immediately regretted that as well.

His friend looked absolutely horrible and James wasn't sure if it was because of the accident or because he was crying so much before. Besides the large black brace that encased most of Logan's left leg and the red cast encompassing his foot, Logan himself looked emotionally drained. His eyes were red-rimmed from crying before and he had bags under his eyes although he had slept for quite a while. His eyes were filled with hurt, whether from physical or emotional reasons James didn't know, and he also looked very guilty. James still had no idea what Logan had to be sorry about but he was going to find out sooner or later.

Then James seemed to realize that he had been staring at everyone for so long that the entire room had fallen into an awkward silence, the only sound in the room being the hum of quiet voices coming from the television.

"Hi," James said lamely, smiling weakly and trying to break the silence. But it didn't really work, for everyone was still staring at him as if he had grown another head. "What's up?" He continued softly, his blush worsening based on the fact that everyone was still staring at him and no one was responding to him.

However, his father seemed to break out of his trance first. "Hey," Kurt said softly, wrapping his fingers around his son's. "How are you holding up, bud? Does anything hurt?"

James tried to ignore everyone else in the room. "I'm fine, Dad," He said honestly. "Nothing hurts." And it was true. Nothing was currently bothering James physically. The only pain that lingered was the pain that tugged at his heart, the pain that came with knowing he would never be able to walk again. That hurt far worse than any physical pain James could possibly be in.

Kurt nodded. "Alright," He said, sighing. He then turned his attention to his other son, who was still staring at James from across the room. "Shane, why don't you come over here and give a proper greeting to your brother?"

Shane stiffened at his father's suggestion but after contemplating it for a few moments he gave a small nod and set down his gaming system on the chair he had been sitting in. He shyly made his way over to James' hospital bed and sat in the chair his father had just got up from, scooting only an inch closer to James' bedside.

"Hi James," He said quietly, also blushing like his older brother because Kendall, Carlos and Logan were still staring from the other side of the room.

James smiled. "Hey Shane," He said, reaching over and ruffling his little brother's hair. Shane immediately smacked his hand away but, after realizing what he had done, pulled back his hand and held it to his chest, his eyes wide.

The smile on James' face faded. He didn't like how his little brother treated him like he was going to break. "Shane, it's okay to touch me. Just because I can't walk anymore doesn't mean I can't take a hit."

After he said them James regretted his words. Just bringing up his paralysis made his little brother's eyes water.

He went to apologize but his father caught on with what was going on and quickly intervened. "Shane," He said before is son could burst into tears. "I bet Kendall, Carlos and Logan have something to show you over there," His eyes darted back and forth between Shane and the three boys, who all nodded at the man. "Why don't you go see what it is?"

Shane nodded and pushed himself out of the chair, walking over to his brother's friends. James could hear Kendall bring up interpretive dancing again and Carlos chime in with something about corn dogs. He could still feel Logan's gaze on him but he ignored it, instead focusing on his father, who had claimed his seat again and had adopted a very serious look on his face.

"James," He began, his voice low. "While you were out I had a long discussion with your doctor about your future options."

Immediately James went into panic mode. "I'm not going home," He said quickly and rather loudly. When he noticed Kendall shooting him a warning glance from across the room he quieted his tone. "I'm not going home," He repeated at a more hushed volume. "I don't know how the whole Big Time Rush thing will work out but you've gotta let me try, dad. I can't—"

"Hey," His father interrupted. "I never said anything about you going home. Your doctor and I were talking about rehabilitation options."

Now James was confused. "Rehab?" He asked. "Why would I need rehab?"

Kurt sighed again. "Many paraplegic patients go into rehab after they're first paralyzed," He told his son. "It's physical therapy, more or less. After you go to the cla—"

"I'm not doing physical therapy," James said, this time being the one to interrupt. "I can't move my legs. I can't get physical. Therefore I see no point in doing physical therapy."

"James, will you just listen for a second?" His father asked irritably. James quickly snapped his mouth shut. He didn't really think about the impact this was having on his father and there was no need for him to be rude. "The physical therapy will teach you how to take care of yourself. It will teach you that you don't have to depend on everyone else."

James sighed. "But I don't want to do physical therapy," He insisted a little less stubbornly. "I don't need someone to teach me how to be independent. I've always been independent and that means I can teach myself how to do things. Just trust me on this one, okay Dad? I promise I'll start doing the physical therapy if things don't work out. Just—just let me have my chance."

For the third time Kurt sighed. There was no point in arguing with his stubborn son because he knew that James would get his way regardless. "Alright," He complied tiredly. "But the minute I hear you're having trouble, you're going right into physical therapy. Do you understand?"

James nodded quickly. He didn't want to upset his father more than he already had and he did promise to do the physical therapy is problems arose.

"I'm going to take Shane back to the hotel room," His father informed him. "It's getting late and flights at five in the morning aren't very fun." Kurt chuckled humorlessly. James was surprised, however. He had no idea he had slept that long and when he directed his attention towards the clock, he saw that it was almost eight thirty. He had slept almost the entire day away, but he blamed the medication he must have been given for that.

"Okay," James said quietly, still looking at the clock. Suddenly he felt himself being pulled into a hug and when he turned his head he found his father's arms wrapped tightly around him. James returned the gesture, finding comfort in burying his head in Kurt's shoulder.

"I'm so relieved that you're alright, Jay," He whispered into James' shoulder blade, squeezing his son for effect.

James squeezed back halfheartedly. Maybe he was alright physically, but he knew that it would be a long way to go for him to ever come to terms with him being paralyzed.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **AKLDJALKDJ I am sorry for the lack of update. Just. Everything has been super busy. Since I last updated a teacher in my school died and I've been incredibly busy with school work and football games and band concerts and of course, when I was ready to update on Monday, I was hit by Writer's Block and then I went to Universal Orlando for a few days and that's why there's been such a horribly long delay. But I'm back and I'll be updating every few days again. I already have a lot of C4 written and C5 is completely done, along with many chapters later down the road.

But for now it's 11:09 and I'm surprisingly not tired at all. So I'm going to go work on C22 of Monster and obsess over Megamind. Which, by the way, is fantastic and just. After you _review_ (shameless hinthint) drop everything you're doing and go see it because it's delightful.

Okay, I'm done. REVIEWWWW PLEAAASEEE.


	4. Hero

**OMWGNOTE: **Again, thank you so much for the reviews on the last chapter. No matter what you say in them, I'm grateful that you at least take the time to express your opinion. Um. So this chapter is dedicated to Miss Fenway (even though the whole story is hahaha) because I took a nap and looked at BTR picture while I should have been writing this and so she kind of got mad and YAY THIS IS ME MAKING IT UP TO HER. :3

* * *

"_Honestly, I have been begging for answers that you, and only you, can give to me. A voice crying loud, I've been crying for days now…" –You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds, Mayday Parade_

Logan had never been one to fall asleep easily. Often he would find himself lying completely alert in his dark room, tossing and turning as if finding a more comfortable position would help him to fall asleep. No amount of warm milk or sheep that he counted ever seemed to help him, and he was usually met with seeing the early hours of the morning before sleep was finally able to claim him.

Being in the hospital wasn't any help, either. If possible, it worsened Logan's insomnia. The bed he was in was far than comfortable and although he was on morphine, there was still a dull ache in his kneecap and his foot. He was glad that he escaped the accident with minimal injuries, especially compared to James, but he wasn't welcoming of the pain that kept him awake.

He was also far too guilt-ridden to even think about trying to sleep. When he had fallen asleep before, it was because he was crying for so long that he soon became exhausted. But he woke up not too long after James fell asleep and sleeping for so little should have an effect on his coherence.

But Logan was still as alert as ever and he was sure that it had something to do with the guilt that plagued his every thought. When he was apologizing to James when his friend first woke up, Logan meant every word. He was sorry. Sorry because it was his fault that James was paralyzed.

Adrenaline was something Logan had heard of but never believed in himself. He had heard stories of mothers pushing actual cars off of their children and similar tales, but he thought they were all just that: tales. Fables made up to make it seem like humans were more powerful than already given credit for.

But now Logan knows that adrenaline is real, or at least somewhat. When he saw James in danger he had been able to run faster than he ever had before. He had had no time to pull James out of harm's way, but he did have time to push James out of the way and take the impact of the car himself.

However, things obviously didn't work out as Logan as planned. He originally thought it was the adrenaline coursing through his veins that helped him run faster than he ever had before. But now he doubted himself. If Logan really did have a rush of adrenaline, then he would have had the strength to push James completely out of the way. Instead, he had only knocked his friend to the ground.

The force of Logan's body against James' larger one hadn't been enough and, although Logan might have saved James from a premature demise, it was still his fault that James was paralyzed.

He should have been quicker. He should have been stronger. He should have seen the car coming sooner. If any one of these three things had occurred, James wouldn't be sentenced to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. But he was and Logan knew that it was his fault.

The guilt was almost unbearable. It crushed him with surprising force and left a strange and horrible feeling in Logan's chest. It was so bad that he just wanted to bury his head in his arms and cry, sob until he had no tears left, but he knew he couldn't do that. For starters, he had already done enough crying for the day and he didn't really think he could take another blow to his masculinity. It was also nearing midnight and he was sure that he would wake James with his stupid crying.

Besides, it's not like he wanted to cry because he was sad. Of course he was sad that his friend had to go through this, but the tears that burned at the back of his eyes were more because of his own frustration with himself. It was his fault that James was like this, and if he hadn't been so _stupid_ none of them would have gotten into the situation they were now. They would be back at the Palm Woods, safe, sound, and _not _paralyzed.

Logan let out a frustrated sigh, falling back into the pillows and covering his face with his hands. He would be perfectly content to spend the night like this, but of course he doesn't get what he wants.

"Logan?"

James' voice was soft and came from the other side of the room. Normally, Logan would pretend that he didn't hear James, but obviously his friend knows that he's awake. Reluctantly, Logan pulled his hands away from his face, sitting up a little and turning his gaze to his friend on the other side of the room.

He put on a smile for James' sake. "Hi," He said, lifting his hand up and giving a small wave.

Despite Logan's smile, James frowned. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?" He asked, eyes raking over the bags under Logan's.

"Probably, yeah," Logan replied. "But shouldn't you be sleeping too?" Logan smirked at him.

James chuckled. "Touché," He replied. "But I can't get comfortable. That's my excuse. It's a lame one, but I'm sticking to it. What's yours?"

"What's my what?"

"Your excuse," James said pointedly, as if it were obvious. For someone so smart, James forgot how oblivious Logan was capable of being. "Your reason for not being able to sleep."

"Oh," Logan said, turning his gaze away from James. "You know," He continued awkwardly, absentmindedly gripping the top of his brace. "My knee hurts. I completely tore my ACL. And my foot hurts, too. That's broken." And it wasn't a total lie, either, because his lower right half _did_ hurt in the places he specified. Just, that wasn't exactly what was keeping him awake.

James nodded. "What else?" He asked.

Logan looked up at his friend, confused and slightly nervous. "What do you mean what else?" He asked. "The only thing I hurt was my knee and my foot."

James folded his arms, rolling his eyes. "I know that, Logan," He said tiredly. "I mean what's bothering you? I was watching you for a few minutes and you looked pretty upset about something."

"Nothing else is bothering me, James," Logan lied. He had always been a terrible liar and was therefore impressed when his voice didn't shake like it usually did when he wasn't being honest.

But no matter how well Logan thought he lied, James still wasn't buying it. "Logan, you're a horrible liar and you always have been," He informed his friend. "Seriously, just tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong, James?" Logan asked, sitting up. "Did you really just ask that? Well, I don't see what's right about any of this. We're both in the hospital, my knee is messed up, you're paralyzed and probably won't be able to walk ever again, and I ruined your life. So tell me James, what is _one_ positive thing about this situation? Because honestly, I'm not finding anything."

James looked at Logan in surprise. He hadn't expected his friend to make such an outburst and honestly, Logan sounded pretty angry about the whole ordeal. Even looking at Logan then, his friend looked frustrated and confused and mad. James didn't know if Logan's anger was directed towards himself or at someone else, but he was hoping it was someone else because he didn't want Logan to be angry with himself.

But it was too late for that.

"Logan," James started, finally finding words after they had sat in silence for a few moments. "I—do you honestly think that you ruined my life?"

Logan shot his friend a look of disbelief. "I know I ruined your life, James," He answered. "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be paralyzed."

"If it weren't for you, I'd be dead," James protested harshly. Logan flinched at the last word but James didn't care. He needed to make Logan know that he didn't blame him for the situation and so Logan shouldn't blame himself, either. "Don't you dare think for one second that you ruined my life, Logan Mitchell. You saved my life and that's all you should be focusing on."

"I didn't save your life, James!" Logan's voice was getting louder and he knew he should be quieter, but it didn't matter to him. "If I were faster I could have pulled you out of the way. If I were stronger I could have completely knocked you away. If I were smarter I would have seen the car sooner and you wouldn't be like this. But I'm not any of those things and now you can't walk. Why aren't you furious with me? I practically sentenced you to a chair for the rest of your life!"

James laughed maniacally, and for a second Logan was scared. The fear, however, disappeared when James said, "The only reason why I'm furious with you is because you're not seeing what's right in front of you! Logan, you're the smartest person I know and you should be able to realize that none of this is your fault. And the fact that you can't realize that is really making me wonder if the only things that got hurt were your knee and your foot. Did you hit your head, too? Is that why you can't be reasonable?"

Frustrated tears began to fall from Logan's eyes. "I didn't hit my head, James," He told his best friend fiercely. "But maybe you hit yours. Why can't you see that this is all my fault?"

"Maybe because it's not!" James yelled, adopting a quieter tone when Logan flinched. "Logan, did you _see_ that car headed towards me? It was headed straight for me and when I saw those headlights, I thought that was the last thing I was ever going to see. I thought I was going to die, Logan. But you stopped that from happening! You pushed me out of the way. Granted, it didn't turn out exactly how you had planned and things didn't go so great in my favor, but you still saved my life, Logan."

After James was done, both boys fell into silence. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't exactly comfortable, either. They were really just trying to figure out what to say to each other.

But the silence didn't last for long. It was Logan who broke it, whispering two simple words that held so much meaning behind them.

"I'm sorry."

James sighed. "Logan, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for," He told his friend quietly. "If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. And that's because I was too busy yelling at you when I should have been saying 'thank you.'"

"James, don't—"

"I will, Logan," James said, interrupting. "Thank you for saving my life. You're an incredible person for risking your life to save mine."

"But James, you're paralyzed—"

James interrupted him again. "Yeah, I am," He said, and Logan could tell that it was hard for him to accept that fact. But he put on a brave face and continued anyway. "But you know what Logan? I think being paralyzed is better than being road kill, don't you?"

Logan didn't say anything. Instead, he carefully moved so that his legs were dangling over the edge of the bed before pushing himself to his feet. He ignored the surprised look James gave him and the shocked outburst that came along with it and instead focused on steadying himself, using the railing of his hospital bed for support.

Once he had gained his balance, Logan began to slowly limp over to James' bed. The movement irritated his foot and his knee but he ignored the pain and focused more on keeping his balance and not falling flat on his face.

It took a while but Logan eventually made it to James' bed, pushing his friend's useless legs aside a little so that there was room for him to sit down. Once there was a spot, he plopped himself onto James' bed, facing the boy in question.

Still without any words, Logan pulled James into a hug. His friend was surprised to say the least but after getting over it, he returned the hug and wrapped his arms around Logan.

"I'm glad you're not road kill," Logan said into his shoulder, fighting back tears.

James chuckled humorlessly. "Me too, Logan," He said, pulling back from the hug. "And I really do mean it when I say you saved my life. Thank you, Logan."

Even in the dimmed lighting, James could tell that Logan was blushing. "No problem," Logan said. He still felt a little guilty because he was the reason for James' paralysis, but James definitely made him feel better about the situation.

Now he needed to address something from earlier in the day.

"James," He said cautiously, hoping not to make his friend mad.

"Yeah?"

Logan gulped slightly before continuing. "I think you should do the physical therapy."

James was very taken aback at Logan's sudden suggestion. He had no idea that his friend was listening to the conversation but to be honest, he wasn't surprised. Logan always had a good sense of hearing and he was known to eavesdrop on certain situations. James just didn't know that Logan was listening into the first place, and that was where his initial shock came from.

But now the shock had worn off and James figured that he should speak. "Uh," He stammered, not really knowing what to say without being rude. "I appreciate your…concern, but I'm not doing the physical therapy, Logan."

"But why not?" His friend demanded. "James, it can really help you get back on your feet again." Immediately after he said it, Logan clamped his hands over his mouth. He stared at James with wide eyes, regretting what he said. "James, I'm so sorry," He quickly amended. "I didn't mean to say that, it just slipped out!"

James sighed. "Logan, it's okay. I know you didn't mean to," He felt relief when Logan relaxed. "Just continue with what you were going to say."

Logan nodded. "Okay," He said, relieved that James had forgiven him. "Um. Where was I? Oh, I just really think the physical therapy would be good for you. You know, it will help you become independent and you'll learn how to take care of yourself."

"Again, thanks for the advice, Logan," James said, "But I think I'm going to pass on the physical therapy. Having people help you become independent sort of defeats the whole purpose, you know? Me and my dad talked about it and we agreed that I could try getting used to everything on my own and then if things weren't working out, I'll do the physical therapy. I promised him, Logan. And I promise you that I _will_ do it if things don't look good. Okay?"

Smiling, Logan said, "Okay, James."

James sighed again. "Well, I don't know about you," He said, glancing at the clock and seeing that it was past midnight. "But all of this fighting and apologizing and bromance has made me pretty tired. You can stay up if you want but, judging by the bags under your eyes, I'd say you're pretty tired too."

As if to prove James' point, Logan yawned. "Yeah," He said, chuckling lightly. "I guess I am pretty tired."

Logan got up from his spot on James' bed and carefully made his way back to his own, settling into the mattress with a sigh.

"Goodnight, Logan," James said from across the room.

Logan smiled. "Goodnight, James," He replied. And without the guilt eating him alive, Logan finally fell asleep.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE**: I'm more tired than Logan is right now, I guarantee you that. So this chapter should have been up way earlier but I took a nap (and yet I'm still tired?) and then EPICINTHELIBRARY (www. Fanfiction. Net/~epicinthelibrary GO THERE AND READ EVERYTHING SHE POSTED FOR BIG TIME RUSH BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IS SOUTH PARK AND I THINK ONE IS SUITE LIFE. I know I know she's weird but you will LOVE HER) kept emailing me AND DISTRACTING ME so yeah. Next chapter is already written so once I get a little bit of C6 done and some reviews I'll post that shit up.

Oh also sorry for any mistakes I'm too tired and/or lazy to edit right now. They will be fixed if there are any, which I'm sure there are. Kthnxbai


	5. Reality

**OMWGNOTE:** Double update across the sky! Again! Also I don't remember who got the reference right, but it's actually a Big Time Rush thing. There was this guy that posted a video of him finding a double rainbow and then he starts freaking out and crying about how beautiful it is. He also makes orgasmic noises, haha. But anyway, the boys (namely Kendall) imitated the video and Kendall is freaking out and he sounds exactly like the guy who originally did it. Logan is the one making the orgasmic noises (which apparently he's good at because really, listen to him say, "Oh no!" in the second verse of Oh Yeah. Did James stick a hand down Logan's pants or what?) and James is just eating ravioli (CHEF BOYARDEE?) in the background.

Anyway. I don't care if you got it or not, Big Time Rush plushies for all! Shutting up now.

* * *

"_Maybe I'm just wasting my time dreaming in a harsh reality. I don't want to wake up just to find out I've been deceived." –Let It Roll, All Time Low_

After being forced to stay in the hospital for a week and a half and adjusting to the environment there, Logan and James felt weird about going home.

The white walls and beeping machines had become quite familiar to the two boys in the time they stayed at the hospital. They hadn't seen anything but those things for a week and a half, which didn't seem like a long time on paper, but it was in reality.

There were things that Logan and James would and would not miss about being in the hospital. They would miss sharing the too-white room. Logan and James were a lot closer than people gave them credit for being, and they actually enjoyed the time they got to spend together. They would also miss their late night sleep-deprived talks, conversations they would have when Logan couldn't sleep due to the pain in his left leg and James couldn't sleep due to how he just couldn't get comfortable. They would talk about the most random things, their tiredness serving as a dose of temporary insanity for the two boys. Their conversations would range from being about dinosaur shaped chicken to politics.

Something else they would miss would be spending time with their families. A day after James' father and little brother Shane flew down, Logan's parents arrived as well. Both boys were glad to see their families, despite the circumstances that brought their visits, and tried to spend as much time with them as possible. But both the Diamonds and the Mitchells had left early that same morning and already, James and Logan were affected by their absence.

Things they would not miss; the incessant beeping of the two heart monitors in the room and how Kendall and Carlos both thought that they would likely explode with every movement. The other half of their group tended to constantly ask if Logan was okay or if James needed help with anything. Logan and James knew that this hovering was only because the other two boys cared and felt bad about what happened, but it still proved to be annoying after the first day.

Both boys had mixed feelings about going home. For starters, they were afraid of what they're acquired Palm Woods friends would think of them upon their arrival at the apartment complex. Surely Kendall and Carlos told them about the accident and about James' paralysis, and James and Logan were mentally preparing themselves for the large doses of pity and worry they would be getting upon arriving at their home.

Both boys were set to go home in sweat pants and a t-shirt. Logan couldn't wear jeans yet because of the large black brace that stopped just above his knee, and he also couldn't wear a shoe on the same leg due to his broken foot. James could wear both jeans and shoes, but chose sweatpants for the ride home because he needed help getting changed and would rather just go to bed in what he came home in.

James had been introduced to his wheelchair and Logan had quickly become enemies with his crutches a few days before. Logan felt a pang of guilt twist in his chest and make his heart hurt at the sight of seeing James in the wheelchair; if Logan had been quick enough, James wouldn't have to be in that chair. James was going to be in that chair for the rest of his life probably and that was Logan's fault.

But he tried to push these thoughts to the back of his mind. After his conversation with James the other night, Logan learned that James didn't blame him for what happened at all. Even though Logan still heavily blamed himself, he would attempt to accept that it wasn't his fault that James was paralyzed. While Mrs. Knight signed their discharge papers, Logan tried to push these bad feelings aside.

Once they were all ready to go, the boys, Mrs. Knight and Katie made their way out of the hospital. Kendall was pushing James wheelchair and Carlos was hovering by Logan looking rather jumpy, waiting to catch Logan if need be.

When they made it out of the hospital, the last rays of the sun as it set into the horizon attacked both Logan and James at the same time. James lifted his hand to cover his eyes and Logan merely squinted and looked down, needing to use both hands to walk with his crutches.

They soon found themselves at Mrs. Knight's rental mini-van, which was where some of their real problems began.

It was decided that Logan would ride shotgun, no matter how much Katie protested to the idea. It would give him the most room for him to spread out comfortably with his large brace, and it would also be the easiest position for him to get in and out of.

James was to sit on the passenger's side of the car in the back seat, everyone having decided it would be best if he was closest to a door. Kendall and Carlos had to use teamwork and lift James from his wheelchair into the backseat, where he promptly buckled his seatbelt and stared at his legs. Carlos clambered in next to him, followed by Kendall on his other side.

Finally, Katie sat in the back, grumbling but not really upset. She knew that any car ride with the boys from now on would end up like this, with Logan in the front seat and James sitting directly in front of her. Two of her non blood related brothers were injured, one of them possibly beyond repair. Although she desperately wanted to sit in the front, Katie kept quiet and grimaced at James' wheelchair next to her. Because they had to push up all of the seats, there was no room for the wheelchair in the trunk. Now it was sitting harmlessly beside the ten year old, and Katie didn't like it one bit.

It was a silent car ride back to the Palm Woods, a great feat for the four usually rowdy boys. But in retrospect, it made a lot of sense that the boys were unusually quiet. After all, every one of them was off in his own world.

Carlos was fidgeting every few seconds, not really able to sit still for a long time. He kept twiddling his thumbs, studying the movement of the two joints as they slid back and forth. He was wondering if he had to live the rest of his life like this; helping James get into the car, helping James get dressed, helping James bathe. He loved James, he really did; they were brothers to say the least. But he didn't _want_ to help James. Although it was childish, Carlos wished that James would suddenly wake with the ability to walk again. Carlos wished that James would be able to swing his legs out of bed and chase him around the Palm Woods lobby and do his back flips on stage. Carlos realized that James very well may never be able to do any of these things ever again, and with the horrible pain in his chest, Carlos knew it hurt him physically to realize these things.

Kendall honestly just felt like a horrible person. He was a best friend and he was supposed to be the leader. He wasn't supposed to let his friends get hurt. But now one of them had a messed up leg and couldn't do normal things for a long time while the other one was paralyzed, changing everything about their daily lives. Kendall wished he could go back in time and change everything, wish that he had run faster and pulled ahead of Logan and James so that _he _was the one hit by the car. He would rather get hit head on by a car four billion times than watch his friends suffer over something he should have been able to stop.

Although he had tried to push it away before, Logan felt the immense burden of guilt sitting on him again, making his chest tight and his airways constricted. He couldn't help but stare at the atrocious black brace that covered almost his entire leg, the red cast around his foot poking out at the bottom. It hurt. A lot. But that's not what bothered Logan.

He would take this pain a thousand times over if it meant he could have completely pushed James out of the way. He would gladly trade places with his best friend if it meant that he wouldn't have to be guilty anymore. As James had told him the other day, if the car had hit James head on, he would have died. Logan saved James' life. But Logan could already tell that James was already becoming depressed about his condition. This often happened in people who became paralyzed or were amputees; he'd read several stories about such things happening to survivors of World War I. Logan couldn't help but think James would become severely depressed and start having thoughts about suicide. Logan seriously wondered if death was better than not having the ability to move your legs.

As if James read Logan's mind and tried to prove his friend's suspicions correct, the once tall boy wasn't feeling his best. He couldn't stop staring at his legs, the two limbs sitting at what looked to be an uncomfortable angle. James couldn't even feel it.

Ever since they had left the hospital, James had been hit with reality so hard it hurt. He couldn't walk. He couldn't move his legs. He would have to get help with everything he did now. Getting lifted into the car by his best friends had been a nice wake up call. And now he was staring at his legs, becoming more and more depressed by the minute.

_Move!_ He thought angrily, giving his legs a hard glare. Maybe if he tried hard enough his legs would magically regain their lost ability. But his legs stayed still. He decided to try a nicer approach. _Move. Please? I'll donate my next big paycheck to charity, all of it. I'll do community work, I'll volunteer at the library and help little old ladies cross the street like they do in TV shows. I'll go to church every Sunday again, I promise. Just please, _please_ move._ He concentrated again, focusing all his will on the limbs he couldn't even feel. But they remained the same.

He knew what the doctors had told him; how the nerve endings where the car struck him were damaged, completely obscuring any communication his brain could have with his legs. But he thought that maybe he could fix that on his own. Maybe if he asked nicely, all of the other nerve endings would team up and nurse the damaged ones back to health. Then James would be able to walk again and do his amazing back flips on stage and everything in the world would be okay again.

But James knew it didn't work like that. He was going to remain paralyzed for the rest of his life and there was nothing he could do about it.

He directed his gaze out the window, deciding that looking at legs that would never move on their own again was getting too demoralizing to handle. His eyes widened in surprise as he realized that they were pulling into the Palm Woods at that exact moment.

A wave of anxiety passed over James. What would people say when they saw him like this? What would he do when he saw the _pool_? He would never be able to swim again.

James let out a sigh as Mrs. Knight pulled into a parking spot. A lot of things would be changing around the Palm Woods.

Kendall and Carlos immediately hopped out of the car as soon as it was stationary, moving towards the back to get James' wheelchair out of the seat next to Katie. James sat patiently in his seat, unbuckling his seatbelt as he watched Mrs. Knight depart from the car and Logan attempt to climb out of the passenger's seat.

In a matter of seconds Kendall and Carlos were at James' door, sliding it open and ready with the wheelchair. Carlos had temporarily locked the wheelchair into place and he and Kendall were getting ready to grab James from his seat. Carlos took him by the arms and Kendall took his legs, and together they lowered him into the chair. Once sitting, they repositioned James' legs so that it looked like he was sitting normally, and then they were moving forward into the Palm Woods.

James and Logan had expected to be stared at. They didn't know _everyone's_ eyes would be on them.

Most people saw Logan first, the way he was hopping up and down with his crutches very distracting to the rest of the environment of the Palm Woods. People who knew the boys, or had at least seen them before, knew that James had been the tallest member of the boy band.

People saw James next because they wondered where he was after not seeing his tall figure looming over the other boys. And when they looked down to who Carlos was pushing, their faces softened into looks of sympathy.

James loved attention, but not this kind of attention. Logan never liked to be the star in the first place, so when they both felt everyone's eyes on them, they both felt their faces flush crimson at the prospect of everyone's attention on them. Even Mr. Bitters had drawn his attention away from his daily popcorn bag and had focused it on the two boys.

It only took around thirty seconds to get to the elevator, but it seemed like thirty years. James and Logan were both internally grateful that they hadn't bumped into Camille or Jo. Although the two girls were very nice, neither of them thought they could really handle any more attention.

When they got back to the apartment, Carlos held the door open for James and Logan and ended up getting stuck holding it open for everyone. He didn't really mind, though. As long as his disabled friends were in the apartment, he didn't mind waiting a few extra seconds to get in himself.

It was when the boys saw the swirly slide that they remembered what day it was.

Fish Stick Friday.

Mrs. Knight also helped them remember that fact. "I'm going to go start on the fish sticks and tots," She told them. "You five can do…well, whatever."

And maybe they would do whatever, but they could only participate in one of their weekly Friday activities; Battle Blast 4. James was now too short to see and play proper dome hockey, and neither James nor Logan could have any swirly slide action. But instead of dwelling on this, all five gathered around the television and began watching mindless cartoons, a choice agreed on by both Katie and Carlos.

During the midst of their program, they could smell the fish sticks and tots cooking in the oven, thawing out and becoming edible. And when the boys and Katie heard the sounds of chairs moving, all five heads involuntarily shifted to see the source of the noise.

It was Mrs. Knight, something that was a given. But she was currently taking James' normal dinner chair and moving it into the corner.

Kendall, Carlos, and Katie all turned away and directed their attention back to the program. But James' eyes were focused on the empty spot where his chair should be, and Logan's eyes were focused on James.

James' eyes flickered from the chair he was sitting in back to the empty spot where his dinner chair should be. It had slipped his mind that he wouldn't need to use seating like a normal person; he had his own seat all day long. He wasn't even sitting on the couch with the rest of his friends. But seeing the empty spot where he could easily just roll up made everything more real.

He knew Mrs. Knight just made the arrangement to make things easier for James, but the boy still felt tears pricking at his eyes, his throat closing up. He didn't _want_ special arrangements made on his behalf. He wanted to be normal, sit in a dining chair like a normal person. He wanted to participate in normal Fish Stick Friday activities. He wanted to walk again.

But he knew that none of that would ever happen.

"Are you okay?" James turned his attention to Logan, sitting closest to him. James was rolled up right next to the couch and Logan was on the end. Logan had whispered the words and he looked very concerned. James figured it was because he saw the tears.

"Yeah," James said, whispering back. He was glad that Logan had chosen to have a hushed conversation; he didn't exactly trust his voice at the moment. "I'm fine."

Logan still looked uneasy. But before he could respond, Mrs. Knight had called them all to the dinner table.

James was still getting used to maneuvering his chair around. He rolled himself back, and eventually turned so that he was facing the table and all he would have to do is move forward. He ignored the help offerings that Kendall and Carlos gave him, telling them that he needed to learn how to work his chair if he was going to be stuck in it for the rest of his life.

He didn't add the last part on for Logan's sake, because he knew that his friend still felt guilty for his paralysis. But he definitely added it on as an afterthought.

James rolled up to the table carefully, everyone else already seated and waiting for him. His wheelchair was a little lower than his regular dining chair, but James didn't dwell on this fact too much. He figured that he should get used to being short from now on.

They ate their meal in near silence, the only sounds heard being the scrapes of forks against plates and the crunch of a fish stick in someone's mouth.

After they had all finished, Katie departed to go hang out with Tyler. She had recently become much better friends with him after she realized that he deceived his mother almost as much as she deceived every day people. They had quickly formed a bond after that.

Mrs. Knight retired to her room for the night, resorting to finishing one of her latest romance novels.

This left the boys to watch television as they had been before dinner.

James didn't know how long they were watching the Cake Boss marathon. One minute it was seven, and the next minute it was well past nine and he was extremely tired. Katie had already returned and gone to bed, and James was nearly passing out in his chair.

"I'm going to go to bed," James announced. He noticed that none of the other boys looked very tired, most likely because Mrs. Knight had given up on 'bed time' long ago and now they stayed up as late as they wanted. But James was exhausted for reasons unknown to him, and he felt as though he couldn't stay awake another second.

Both Carlos and Kendall moved to get up.

James stopped this immediately, putting his hand out. "It's okay," He told them, waiting until they sat back down to speak again. "I'm not going to die. I already told you that I need to get used to doing things myself. I appreciate the help, but I'm not going to make you give up your time just to help me."

"James," Kendall began. "It's no problem, really. If you need help, all you have to do is ask."

James sighed. "I know, and I will. But I don't need help right now, okay?" The three boys nodded. Bidding their goodnights, James rolled away from his couch and to the room that he and Kendall shared.

Pushing the door open, James began to make his way into the room. But then his front right wheel hit the doorframe, and he was stopped abruptly. He cursed, then backed up and tried again. Luckily, this time he made it through the door without any bumps.

He felt gross for doing so, but James didn't really have the energy to brush his teeth and wash his face. He was too tired for any of it, and he promised himself that if he went to bed now that he would do each thing he neglected twice in the morning.

Approaching his bed, James was very glad he chose to wear sweatpants. It made his life a little bit easier.

Now all he had to do was figure out how to get into his bed.

He rolled his chair right up to the bed, deciding that he could use his upper arm strength and just claw his way onto his mattress. But after five minutes of trying only to slide off each time, he knew he would need help from his friends if he wanted to get to bed.

Sighing, he slid off the bed a final time and landed in his chair surprisingly neatly. With his luck, James expected his butt to bounce right off the arm of the chair and send him smashing to the floor.

Maybe the world didn't hate him as much as he thought.

He maneuvered his way out of his room, his front wheel catching the doorframe again. His teeth clenched, backing up to take another try. But then he hit the doorframe _again_, and he let out another curse. Finally, he made it out of his room and into the main part of their apartment, where his friends were sitting on the couch.

Kendall was the first to notice James was back. He had a ridiculous sense of hearing and could hear the tires of James' chair making little whizzing noises as they turned and propelled James forward.

He turned his head to see James sitting behind the couch, looking a little embarrassed.

"James," Kendall said, and Carlos and Logan turned away from the program they had been watching at their leader's words. "I thought you went to bed."

James looked down. "I did," He said, running a hand nervously through his hair. "But, I, uh, can't get into bed. It's—well, it's too high. And I keep sliding off."

Carlos and Kendall shot up at his words, Logan desperately trying to do the same. James turned around jerkily and began making his way to his room again, knowing that Carlos and Kendall would be close behind. He also knew that once he got up, Logan would be hobbling after all of them.

Soon enough, he heard two pairs of footsteps and the sound of Logan's crutches hitting the floor with a bouncing sound.

And then, of course, James hit the doorframe when he got to his room.

His friends looked at him with sympathy, and James wanted to cry because of it. But he blinked back the tears and eventually made it into the room, only to find that he was faced with the same problem as before. It was good that he had friends, or James would be sleeping upright for the rest of his life. Of course, he could always get rid of his bed frame and just sleep on the mattress, but it didn't matter anyway. James had friends and they were going to help him.

Logan hopped over to James' bed, pulling back the covers and waiting for Carlos and Kendall to pick him up. Like they did when they lifted James out of the car, Carlos grabbed him by his arms and Kendall grabbed him by his legs. He could feel Carlos holding him up, and he knew Kendall was doing the same, but he couldn't exactly feel his friend's strong hold underneath his legs.

Working together, they gently lowered him into his bed, making sure to place him in a comfortable position with his head resting perfectly on the pillow. Logan had leaned his crutches against the wall and was now holding the covers, limping forward a step or two to pull them over James' body and tuck him in.

"Thanks," James mumbled quietly, shutting his eyes and digging the heels of his hands into them. He was trying desperately to stop the tears, to stop the sob that he knew would inevitably come, but he knew that he couldn't. And when he heard the small whimper fill the air that could only be coming from himself, he felt the tears escape and he knew that he had failed.

Kendall, Carlos and Logan didn't say a word. They simply just situated themselves around James and pulled him into a four way hug.

They all knew this wouldn't be easy. But they never realized that it would be this hard.

Soon all four of them were crying, using each other's shirts as tissues and not caring in the slightest.

"I'm sorry."

The words came from Kendall, Carlos and Logan's mouths all at different intervals, each meaning a different thing. Kendall was sorry because he couldn't stop his friends from getting hurt. Carlos was sorry because James didn't deserve this fate. And Logan was sorry because it was his fault that James was in this whole mess in the first place.

James didn't respond. He just cried and cried until he had no more tears left, until the weight of his eyelids became too much to bear and he fell asleep in the arms of his best friends.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **Ow. That was…ow. I'm sorry, I really am. I overdose on angst sometimes, I really do.

FUNFACT: I wrote this chapter two days after I wrote the first one. Which, both were written sometime in late August. So wow, it's November now. How far ahead do _I _plan?


	6. Falling

**OMWGNOTE: **I should stop being so evil all of the time, you know that? And sorry for the delay in update, I was busy finishing my other story. But now it's done and Disabled has all of my attention.

* * *

"_And we both go down together, we'd stay there forever. Just try to get up." –I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About, Mayday Parade_

James woke the next morning feeling groggy and disoriented. His face felt stiff, and after thinking about it, he realized it was because of the tears that had dried there the night before. He turned his head to see his wheelchair sitting innocently next to his bed, and looking behind that Kendall was sleeping soundly, buried in his pillows and blankets.

It only took a moment for James to realize that he was incredibly thirsty. It wasn't a life-threatening situation, but his throat was sore and felt like someone had shoved a wad of sandpaper down it. He didn't know why it felt this way, but it hurt badly enough for him to want to get up and get a drink to sooth the feeling.

James quickly turned his attention to the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table that he and Kendall shared. The glowing numbers informed him that it was a little past six in the morning. It was unusual for James to get up so early and he knew that he had no hope of waking Kendall from his slumber at such an hour. He loved his friend to death, but he had to admit that a quality about Kendall that he hated was the fact that he could sleep through almost anything and, if he didn't get enough sleep, he would be cranky and whiny for the rest of the day.

Sighing, James propped himself on his elbow, eyeing his wheelchair skeptically. The night before he had had so much trouble getting into his bed. James only hoped that his father didn't hear about his difficulties. But after thinking it over for a moment, he realized that getting into his wheelchair from his bed might be much easier. All he would have to do is use his upper arm strength to lower himself into the chair. It was placed in a convenient position and he knew that Kendall or Carlos had locked it the night before.

He tore the covers off his legs and turned his torso, putting his hands on either side of the wheelchair. Taking a deep breath, he lifted himself up and tried to lower himself into the chair, only to fail and bounce of the arm and fall onto the ground.

James let out a huff of frustration as he lay on the floor. What had just happened was exactly what he was afraid of the night before and he should have known that thinking getting out of bed was easy would bite him in the butt.

He laid on the floor for a moment longer before realizing that the fall had caused him to hurt his back. Groaning, James let his head hit the floor with a thud, wincing at the pain in his back the fall had brought with it.

He continued to wallow in his own misery for a moment before he remembers that the doctors had given him a prescription for pills the day before. James remembered that Mrs. Knight headed out to the pharmacy to pick up both he and Logan's prescriptions before picking them both up from the hospital. James knew that his medication was on the kitchen counter, just waiting for him to take it.

Sighing, he pushed himself into a sitting position, dragging himself so that he was sitting with his back to the wheelchair. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his arms to place them on the armrests again and successfully hoisted himself into the wheelchair, not once hurting himself in the process.

James smiled triumphantly as he unlocked his wheelchair and made a beeline for his bedroom door. He stopped right next to it and opened it, then rolled back and went through the doorway. He reached behind him to grab the doorknob and pulled it shut before rolling down the hallway towards the kitchen.

Just as he had suspected, he saw two bags from Walgreens sitting innocently on the counter. He grabbed one of them, making sure it saidhis name on it and placed it in his lap, wheeling over to the fridge to grab the milk gallon.

This was where things got difficult for James. The glasses were kept in the cabinet over the counters, and there was no way that James would be able to reach it from where he was. But if he used his upper arm strength to get out of bed and then get back into his chair this morning, then surely he could use it to hoist himself onto the countertop and grab a glass.

If anyone else were awake, he would just ask them to get a glass for him. But since it was still early in the morning, James had to do things by himself.

He placed the gallon of milk and his pills to the side, sitting on the same countertop he was trying to get on but not in his way of getting onto it. Then he gripped the edge with both hands, pushing himself up so that he was leaning against the counter in a way. Then he turned himself around, sliding onto the countertop with ease.

James smiled again. He hadn't expected getting on the counter to be as easy as it had been, but it wasn't like he was going to try again to see if it was going to be more difficult the second time around.

He ducked his head for a moment, reaching around himself and opening the cabinet to grab a glass. Once he had acquired one, he shut the cabinet again and reached for the milk. He poured himself half a glass, setting the carton and his glass beside him as he grabbed the pills. His eyes skimmed over the warning label, before finding the information he needed and pouring a small, red tablet onto his hand.

He placed the medication on the tip of his tongue and then downed the milk, smiling when he finished. James knew that even without looking, he had a milk moustache. He was about to wipe it away until he realized something, one small, crucial detail that he should have thought of before he got on top of the counter.

James had no way of getting down.

He really should have thought this through much earlier. The counter was much too high for him to get down to his wheelchair by himself. Unless he was asking to be more physically harmed than he already was, James had no way of returning to the safety of his wheelchair unless someone else managed to find him and help him down.

Now James was bored. He had nothing to do and it was still fairly early in the morning, meaning that no one would be awake for a while. He leaned back against the counter, absentmindedly and quietly singing songs from the Broadway production of Wicked.

Just as he was halfway through 'Popular', he heard someone coming down the stairs. He immediately shut up, craning his neck to see who it was.

The large black brace gave Logan away as he hobbled down the steps, gripping the railing tightly. James felt bad that Logan was having difficulty going down the steps, but he didn't feel too bad because he wasn't even able to go upstairs anymore. Besides, Logan's disability was temporary. James may have to deal with his paralysis for the rest of his life.

"May I ask why you're singing songs from Wicked at 6:30 in the morning?" Logan asked as he limped to where James was sitting. "And why do you have a milk moustache?"

"Silly, naïve Logan," James said, speaking in a British accent. It was something the four of them always did when they had milk moustaches. "Wicked is a spectacular musical production. Though I'm rather surprised that you decided to comment on what I was singing instead of where I was sitting."

Logan shook his head, chuckling. "You're even weirder than Carlos sometimes, you know that?" He asked, smiling. "But now I am curious. Why are you up there anyway?"

"You see, my dear friend," James began, still speaking in his British accent. "When I woke up this morning I realized that I was very thirsty. Instead of waking Kendall and facing his potential wrath, I tried to get out of bed by myself. Long story short, I hurt myself in the process of doing so. But I ended up in here and another long story short, I had gotten on top of the counter by myself and took my medication and got a drink before I realized that I couldn't get down on my own. But then you came along and I was wondering if you could possibly help me down, good chap."

Logan resisted the urge to slap James. "Okay," He said. "I'll help you down if you wipe the milk moustache off and quit the British accent."

James sighed. "Fine," He said, dragging his sleeve across his upper lip and resuming his normal tone. "Just help me down, alright?"

Logan didn't need to be told twice. He made sure James' wheelchair was locked into place before he hooked one arm under his friend's knees, his other wrapping around his torso. James hooked his right arm around Logan's neck while his left hand clutched at Logan's shirt. Both of them took deep breaths as Logan lifted James carefully from the counter.

Even if Logan hadn't been crippled, James' weight still would have been too much for him. Logan wasn't weak in any way, but he was still considerably smaller than James and James was larger than the average male. Having an injured knee and adding James' weight on top of it caused Logan's good knee to give out, sending both boys tumbling to the floor.

James' head hit the floor with a loud smack and he groaned at the newfound pain. But he wasn't the only one who was in pain, either. James had fallen on top of Logan and, more importantly, right on his injured knee. Despite the brace protecting it, Logan still felt an intense amount of pain in his kneecap. And not only had the fall hurt it, but James was still putting his weight on it, only increasing the pain.

Logan let out a long string of profanities, pushing James off of him roughly and clawing at his knee. He knew that he had to keep his leg straight and it was taking all of his willpower not to rip his brace off and clutch at his knee.

"Dude, why did you shove me?" James demanded from beside him, and Logan's head turned to find James smashed up against the lower cabinets.

He glared at his friend. "Oh, I don't know," He said sarcastically. "Maybe because you fell on my bad knee?"

"Well, excuse me," James snapped, adopting the same tone as Logan. "But that gives you no right to shove."

"It sort of does when you're all up on my knee, James," Logan retaliated.

James smacked him. "It's not my fault!" He exclaimed. "You were the one who offered to help me down. And besides, it's not like I _meant_ to fall on your knee. It was a total accident!"

Logan still glared at him. "Whatever," He huffed. "I still blame you." Still in pain, Logan rolled as far away from James as the confines of the kitchen would let him, which unfortunately was only a foot or two.

"Yeah, uhuh," James said. "Totally my fault. You're right. Totally right. You're on the Ship of Right and I'm drowning in the Sea of Wrong. Throw me a lifeline, will you?"

"I don't like your sarcastic tone," Logan snipped at him.

James smiled sweetly. "Everything I know about sarcasm I learned from you, Logie."

Logan was about to reply but the sound of someone coming down the hallway drew their attention away from each other. Both boys looked towards the direction of the hallway to find a sleepy Kendall padding towards them, his hair disheveled from sleep and his eyes halfway shut.

"Will you two quit going at it?" He asked irritably. "It's like—it's like an early time in the morning. Kendall doesn't like getting up at early times. Kendall likes nappy time."

Logan chuckled despite the situation. "Does Kendall like talking in third person when he's tired?" He asked, smirking.

Kendall slid onto a bar stool, his head slumping down onto the counter the moment he was seated. "Yes," He mumbled, the response muffled by the countertop.

"Does Kendall mind helping James and Logan up then?" James asked, smiling at his tired friend. Kendall could be absolutely oblivious when he wasn't completely coherent.

At James' words, said blonde looked up, a bit of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. "Oh," He said, wiping the saliva away. "Why are you guys on the floor?"

"It's a long story," Logan said stiffly, glaring at James. "But could you just help us?"

Kendall smiled sleepily. "Mmkay," He mumbled, getting up from the chair. He approached Logan first and bent down, grabbing his friend underneath the arms and pulling him up with almost no effort at all. He kept two hands steadying Logan until the shorter boy had regained his balance and then moved on to James.

To James' relief Kendall seemed more awake now. He didn't want to repeat another episode in which he would have to fall on another one of his friends. Kendall picked him up the same way Logan had tried to but unlike Logan, Kendall's hold was steady and firm as he placed James carefully into his wheelchair.

"Nappy time!" Kendall exclaimed happily, gently shoving Logan towards the stairs and indicating he should go back to bed. Then, still smiling happily and making sure that Logan was beginning his trek upstairs, he began pushing James down the hallway to their room. Once inside, Kendall turned to James. "You should have a nappy time, too. Beauty sleep or something like that, right?"

James smiled. "Right," He assured his sleep-deprived bed. Kendall then helped James into his bed, just like he had the night before. Even in his half-asleep state Kendall didn't forget to lock the wheelchair into place next to James' bed.

Kendall was about to return to his own bed before he seemed to remember something, turning right back around to James with one finger held up in the air. "I have no idea how you got out of bed earlier," He said, his voice a little clearer and more alert than it had been all morning. "But next time, seriously dude, just wake me up, mmkay? I promise not to bite your head off."

James chuckled again. "Alright," He said. "Have a nice nappy time, Kendall."

"I will, James," His friend replied, already collapsing onto the bed. Kendall fell asleep almost immediately, but James remained awake for a few more moments. He would have to apologize to Logan later on for his rudeness. He would also have to apologize to Mrs. Knight, since he was pretty sure that no one had put the gallon of milk away and now she would have to buy a brand new one.

But James pushed these thoughts aside, finally falling back asleep.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE**: No really, I am sorry for the lack of update. But hopefully this chapter made up for it? I don't know. I really like it. But maybe that's because the quote goes so amazingly well with the chapter that I want to dance.

I also want to dance because this chapter was uploaded at a relatively normal time _and_ because of Project Love. Like really, I have no idea how the heck everyone went behind my back and organized that whole thing without me knowing, but it was astounding and made me happy. So thank you to everyone who participated because really, it was amazing and special and fantabulous and other words that should be in the dictionary but aren't.

So anyway. I think the next update will be Sunday. And I think you should review, too. Reviews are lovely.


	7. Friends

**OMWGNOTE: **Thank you for all of the reviews for the last chapter. I have one comment about this chapter: I think James hates me by now. Read on.

And lol All Time Low is going to be a reoccurring band in the quote section of this story.

* * *

"_So take my life, I'll hand it to you. And you can try on my clothes, but you can't fill these shoes." –Poison, All Time Low_

James had never been one to be a heavy sleeper. The smallest sound or slightest movement would cause him to wake from his slumber. If he was lucky, James could make it through one night without waking up once. But more often than not, James found himself waking periodically throughout the evening, whether it be from nightmares or the sound of Kendall shutting the bathroom door after using it at three in the morning. Even with the influence of medication helping his sleep, James woke up for the second time that morning feeling someone's eyes on him.

He opened his eyes slowly and was met with Kendall's curious green stare on him. James arched an eyebrow in confusion, seeing that Kendall was rolled up next to James' bed and sitting in _his _wheelchair, smiling at James as if it were completely normal to be doing such a thing.

"Good morning?" James said, and while he meant to say it as a greeting, it came out as a question instead.

Kendall beamed at him. "Hi," He said, still watching James intently after rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "It's almost breakfast time," He said matter-of-factly.

James nodded. "Okay," He said. "Why are you sitting in my chair?"

"Oh," His friend commented, looking down at James' wheelchair as if he just noticed he were sitting in it. "No one else is awake but my mom so I got bored."

Chuckling, James asked, "So you decided to watch me sleep?"

"Yup," Kendall said, nodding. "It's kind of weird watching you sleep. I mean, your upper body tosses and turns and you move your arms a lot but your legs always stay still. The reason is obvious but it still looks funny."

James pushed himself into a sitting position. "Well," He began, "That's what being paralyzed does to you, I guess." He and Kendall fell into an awkward silence for a moment, neither one of them wanting to dwell on the subject of James' paralysis. "Do you want to help me out of bed?" James asked after an extended period of silence.

In response, Kendall nodded again, getting up out of James' chair and pulling the covers off his friend's legs. Then, like he had earlier that morning, he lifted James from the mattress, cradling his friend in his arms. Kendall stepped back a minimum of two steps and then slowly eased James into his wheelchair, setting him down carefully.

James waited until Kendall unlocked his wheelchair and when he did, James immediately set off. James knew that his friend probably wanted to push him and that's exactly why James made it so he couldn't be pushed. Although the gesture was kind and he appreciated each one of his friends for wanting to help him out, he didn't like the feeling of being pushed. It made him feel like he was a toddler in a stroller and was incapable of doing anything himself.

Kendall and James both arrived at the kitchen area to find Mrs. Knight searching around in the kitchen.

"Hey Mom," Kendall greeted, walking up to his mother and planting a kiss on her cheek. "Whatcha making?"

She sighed. "Well, I was going to make pancakes, but someone left the milk out and now it's gone bad. I'll have to go get a new gallon if I want to make anything."

James blushed. "Sorry, Mrs. Knight," He called from next to the table. "That was me. I went to take some medication this morning and, long story short, I ended up falling of the counter on top of Logan and then me and Logan and Kendall never put the milk away."

Mrs. Knight turned to her son's friend, giving him a small smile. "It's alright, sweetie," She said, grabbing her purse of the counter. "But you're the one that gets to break it to Carlos that his breakfast won't be here until I get back."

Laughing, James agreed to his best friend's mother's conditions and with a kiss to Kendall's cheek, Mrs. Knight was off in search of the nearest convenience store to buy a gallon of milk.

Kendall went to sit at one of the bar stools and expected James to do the same. But when he realized there was no way James would be able to join him at the kitchen island, he quickly changed his destination to the table, plopping down in his normal dinner chair. James followed his example and rolled up to the empty seat next to him, leaning forward and resting his chin on his arms.

"I hate this," James grumbled, all traces of cheeriness from before suddenly gone.

Kendall watched his friend in concern, wondering where his happy, carefree best friend went. He assumed that part of James was damaged along with the nerve endings in his back. "What do you hate?" He asked softly, even though he knew fully well what James was talking about.

James glanced at him from the corner of his eye, giving Kendall a half glare. "Being paralyzed," He explained. "I have to get help with everything. I can't even get in or out of bed without you or Carlos helping me."

"I think that's why they wanted you to do the physical therapy, James," Kendall informed him with a sigh. "It'll help you be independent again and then one day, you won't need anyone's help. You'll be able to do all of these things on your own, just like you used to be able to."

James sighed, turning to look at Kendall with teary eyes. "One day," He mused sadly. "I don't want to be like this forever, Kendall."

"I'm sorry, James," Kendall said with sincerity. "If there was anything I could do about it, I would. But there's no cure for paralysis, and it kills me to say that. As much as we all hate it, you the most, chances are you're going to be stuck like that for the rest of your life."

James buried his head into his arms again. "Your pep-talks have gotten horrible, Kendall," He mumbled, trying to hold back the tears.

Kendall pulled James into a one-armed hug. "I know," He said. "But I don't give good pep talks when I'm scared."

"You're scared?" James asked, disbelief in his voice as he lifted his head to peer at his friend. Kendall was many things: a leader, a great friend, a wonderful brother. But while James knew that everyone got scared, he just couldn't fathom the possibility of Kendall ever being scared.

Kendall nodded. "Terrified, really," He said, his voice unashamed.

James was still confused. "But why would you be scared?"

"Terrified," Kendall corrected him. "I've been terrified ever since that night. When the car was headed for you, when Logan went to save you, especially when you got hit. When you were screaming like that, James…I thought you were dying.

"Thank God you didn't die," Kendall breathed, turning away from James for a moment to collect himself. But then he turned back, looking James straight in the eye. "I was terrified when you said your back hurt. I was terrified when your doctor told us that you were paralyzed. And then all I could think about was History Freshman year. Remember when we learned about World War I and the aftermath of being in the war? We watched that video. What was it called?"

James racked his brain to try to remember. "Um," He said, knowing exactly what Kendall was talking about but not quite remembering the name. "_All Quiet on the Western Front_," He suddenly remembered, grinning when Kendall gave him a grin of his own and nodded.

"Yeah," Kendall said. "That movie. All I could remember was the boy who got hurt in one of the battles and had to get his leg amputated. Remember him?"

"Mhmm," James said, nodding his head. It was hard to forget him; their teacher had used him as an example and then proceeded to go on a tangent about how many survivors of both World Wars I and II who were also amputees were often depressed after losing one of their limbs.

Kendall turned away from James. "I mean, I know it's different in a way…" He trailed off, looking out the window. "But I was afraid—and I still am—that you were going to react the same way he did when he lost his leg. He was so depressed. I remember that he and the main character were best friends and the main character just had to watch his best friend spiral into depression right before his eyes." He turned to James then. "Being paralyzed is just as bad, if not worse. I don't want to see you become depressed, James. It would kill me to see that."

The boy in the wheelchair had no response to his friend's words. There was no way that James could reassure Kendall that he wouldn't become depressed; He had only been paralyzed for around a week and a half and already, he was feeling his spirits being pulled down with the realization that he may never be able to walk again. There was no telling whether or not James' condition would become worse in the future. However, he could guarantee Kendall one thing.

"I promise that if I ever do become depressed," He started, "You'll be the first to know, okay? If I'm ever feeling truly horrible I'll make sure to go to you or Carlos or Logan before I do anything drastic, okay?" James brought up this point because he knew that Kendall might remember another movie they watched in history, _Swing Kids_, in which a crippled boy killed himself because he was frowned upon for being different.

Kendall nodded. "Alright," He finally said. "Just please stick to your word, James. I wouldn't be able to watch you suffer like that."

"I promise, Kendall," James swore, and that was a promise that he intended to keep.

* * *

Mrs. Knight returned with the new gallon of milk around ten minutes after James and Kendall finished their heartfelt conversation. Soon after the only adult resident of 2J started making pancakes, the smell drifted throughout the entire apartment and woke the other three inhabitants.

The minute Logan stepped foot into the kitchen, James apologized for that morning, as far as falling on top of his friend and hurting him and then making it worse by getting into a fight. To James' relief, Logan forgave him and also apologized for being a bit snippy. By the time breakfast was over, the bad blood that had briefly been formed between Logan and James was gone.

After breakfast, James excused himself to he and Kendall's room and pulled out the laptop his father had bought for him a while ago. He opened it and pressed the power button, waiting for the computer to turn on.

While waiting, James drummed his fingers on the armrest of his wheelchair. His discussion with Kendall had sparked curiosity within him; was there a cure for paralysis?

The topic hadn't come up once within their conversation, but talking about depression had gotten James thinking. He knew that, eventually, if he stayed like this, he would become depressed at some point. The fact that he couldn't walk anymore brought overwhelming sadness to him as he awoke each morning, and James knew that it was only a matter of time before he went off the deep end. But if there was a cure for his condition…then he could be happy and Kendall wouldn't have to worry about him.

Finally, his screen illuminated with life and after a few seconds, he moved his mouse to click on the Internet Explorer icon at the top of the screen. He waited for only a few moments before his homepage popped up, making him aware of that day's news and the current weather in Los Angeles.

He ignored both of these and typed Google into the web address bar, hitting enter and then seeing the search engine appear before him. He began to type in "spinal cord injury repair" when the suggested search came on. It said exactly what he had typed, but the words "stem cell" were added onto it. Curious, James clicked on the option and was met with thousands of results in a few seconds.

James scrolled down and picked one of the first few options, waiting for the page to load. Once it did, he was greeted by several words he didn't know but, for the most part, he could understand what the article was trying to tell him.

"_A new study has found that transplantation of stem cells from the lining of the spinal cord, called ependymal stem cells, reverses paralysis associated with spinal cord injuries in laboratory tests…" _He read. Suddenly, James felt excitement fill him to the brim and he continued reading.

"_When these cells were transplanted into animals with spinal cord injury, they regenerated ten times faster while in the transplant subject than similar cells derived from healthy control animals." _Regenerated…did that mean that the cells were reformed? James felt a smile grace his features as he continued to read. _"In many spinal injuries, the cord is not actually severed, and at least some of the signal-carrying nerve cells remain intact. However, the surviving nerve cells may no longer carry messages because oligodendrocytes, which comprise the insulating sheath of the spinal cord, are lost."_

His eyes skipped over a huge paragraph including words he didn't understand until he came across the third to last paragraph. _"__Currently, there are no effective therapies to reverse this disabling condition in humans. However, the presence of these stem cells in the adult human spinal cords suggests that stem cell-associated mechanisms might be exploited to repair human spinal cord injuries."_

James felt his heart drop into his stomach. So paralyzed animals were able to reform damaged cells and walk again, but he wasn't? He went back to the Google response page and clicked his way through a few other sites regarding the topic. Most of them talked about the huge breakthrough with stem cells, which had been making healthy paralyzed rats able to regain limited movement in their hind legs. Even if it was limited, James would kill to have any movement in his legs at all.

Even though he hadn't been paralyzed nearly as long as other people had, he still continued to search. One site told him that in the near future, ten human volunteers would be subjected to the stem cell treatment to see if they could regain movement in the disabled part of their body.

James was going to make sure he was one of those people. He wouldn't be able to do this for the rest of his life; always seek help from his friends or someone else, have every day be a struggle. It wasn't how James Diamond worked.

He was independent and he always had been. And he would be damned if he let his disability get in his way.

Suddenly the door opened, revealing Carlos with a smile on his face. James quickly shut out of his window, closing his laptop without even turning it off first.

"Hey," Carlos said, leaning against the doorframe. "What're you doing?"

James shrugged. "Just looking up some things," He said, setting the laptop on his bed. Before Carlos could comment, James asked, "Is there a reason why you're in here?"

Carlos seemed to think hard for a moment before finally remembering his purpose for being in James' room. "Oh yeah!" He said, his face lighting up. "Me and Kendall and Logan wanted to know if you up to playing Battle Blast 4. 'Cause we kind of didn't get to play it last night and it's always best with four players." He smiled brightly, willing James to join them.

"Sure," James said, giving Carlos a smile in return. Carlos' smile only widened and he held the door open for James, motioning for his friend to exit the room. James wheeled himself forward, careful not to hit the doorway on his way out.

As he and Carlos made their way into the living room, James wasn't feeling as excited as he normally would be. Usually Battle Blast 4 was one of his favorite activities, especially when playing it with his friends. But as he saw all of his best friends seated on the couch and knowing he couldn't sit there with them made James feel a twinge of jealousy and sadness. He was jealous that his friends were able to sit on the couch, yet he felt upset because he knew that he couldn't join them.

But instead of showing how he truly felt, James plastered a smile on his face, just like he always had when things weren't going his way. He just hoped that sometime in the near future, things would go his way and he wouldn't have to hide things from his friends anymore.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **afaskldfjalk this chapter was supposed to turn out much better. But every time I look up stem cell research, the results change. From once source a few weeks ago it said that human testing was currently occurring and yet on another it said that stem cell was much too risky to use on humans. Either way, this chapter was originally intended to be a lot more angsty.

Sorry for the lack in update, by the way. I've been working on this story that's going to be posted as a Christmas present for Miss Fenway and it's halfway done and just broke 14,000 words. So that's been pretty time consuming. But I just turned in this giant thesis paper today so I'll probably have a lot more free time now.

Anyway. Sorry for this crap chapter. I promise the next one will be better. Review?


	8. Special

**OMWGNOTE: **I think that everyone should team up and get to 100 reviews by next chapter. Even though that won't happen. Oh well. Anyway, thanks for the reviews on the last chapter because they rocked and yeah. I love reviews.

I'm really sorry for the chapter delay. I'll try to get on top of things again. So much for finishing this story any time soon.

* * *

"_I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect, but neither have you." –Leave Out All The Rest, Linkin Park_

"You brought me in here to fire me, didn't you?" James asked bluntly as Gustavo shut the door. Monday had come around again and the boys had been called back to work due to the fact that both Logan and James had recovered well enough. Almost immediately upon their arrival at Rocque Records, Gustavo had called James into his office for a private meeting.

Gustavo waited until he reached his desk chair and got settled before speaking. "I can see why you would assume that, James," Gustavo said. "And I'm not going to lie to you when I say that Griffin definitely doesn't approve of you being in the band anymore."

James nodded, feeling tears form in his eyes. "Well, fine," He said. "But if you send me back to Minnesota, don't expect that Kendall, Carlos and Logan will stay here. If I go back, we all go back."

"I never said I was sending you back to Minnesota," Gustavo said. James was confused. Then why would he have been called into Gustavo's office?

"Griffin wants you out of the band. There's no denying that," Gustavo explained. "But when Griffin dropped Big Time Rush the first time, I had to buy you back for 2 million dollars. That was the amount of money Griffin had invested in the band. And just think, James; that was _before_ your album was released.

"Now that you've got an album out and you've been on tour and on national television, you four are worth more than you could ever imagine. Over 4 million. With your condition, we don't have to worry about album sales dropping because people don't hate paraplegics. People feel _bad_ for paraplegics. If anything, album sales will rise because of you."

James was shocked. "But," He protested. "Even if all of that's true, if Griffin doesn't want me in the band, then he'll just drop us from the label, won't he?"

Gustavo shook his head. "That's true, but also not true at the same time," He said. "Griffin's company isn't the only company willing to sponsor Big Time Rush. We have several different companies willing to adopt Rocque Records if Griffin drops us. We have nothing to worry about, James."

James couldn't believe what he was hearing. _Gustavo_, the man who he had once thought kept his heart in his media room fridge, was completely backing him up on his condition. He was willing to disobey Griffin and the record company just for him.

"Thank you, Gustavo," James said sincerely. "I mean—this really means a lot to me."

Gustavo blushed, looking away. "Yeah, well you dogs have done a lot for me," He said hastily. "It was the least I could do." They fell into silence for a few moments before Gustavo spoke up again. "Now go back to the booth. Kelly and I have a surprise for you."

James didn't say anything, Instead, he turned and maneuvered his way out of the room with little difficulty. He was becoming quite good at getting around in his wheelchair, a fact that he was proud of. He knew that he could get around by himself without help from anyone else.

He passed Kendall, Carlos and Logan, who were all giving him curious glances. Instead, he wheeled right up to Kelly, silently asking her to take him wherever his surprise was. She smiled at him and took position at the handles of his chair, pushing him into the room where all of their songs were recorded.

Once in there, James couldn't believe his eyes. Before the accident, the room only had one booth with one microphone in it that all of the boys would usually share. Now, there was another room directly adjacent to the first booth, and it had one microphone in it. This microphone was much closer to the ground than the one he was used to singing into, and James knew why.

He couldn't speak. Tears burned at the back of his eyes and made his throat feel thick. When he tried to speak, all that came out was a choked sound.

Kelly smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It was the least we could do," She said quietly. "It cost some money, but you're worth it."

Despite James' efforts to hold them back, one tear escaped from the corner of his eye. "Thank you," He whispered, a small smile forming on his face.

"It was no problem," Kelly assured him. "And like I said before, you're worth it, James. The only thing that's going to change is that you have to record at different times than the rest of the boys. But it's better than being fired, right?"

James nodded. "Definitely," He answered. He looked up at Kelly and gave her a smile. "Again, thank you so much. I don't think you understand how grateful I am."

"Don't mention it," Gustavo said from behind him, causing Kelly to turn the wheelchair so James could look at his boss. "And I mean it, don't mention it. Griffin doesn't need to know we spent the money we did on this. He'll find out eventually, but I'd prefer that to be later. More like never, but he'll know. Griffin knows everything."

Again, James nodded. He didn't even know what to say. This was easily the nicest thing that Gustavo had done for him in his entire stay in Los Angeles. Although the circumstances weren't completely excellent, James greatly appreciated everything the man who he had once thought was heartless had done for him.

* * *

James was feeling exhausted. Although they had barely done anything in the studio that day other than make a few minor changes to one of their songs, he felt like they had done so much more. He figured that his lack of energy was due to the insomnia that plagued him all night. Well into the early morning hours, he had been worried that going to the studio meant that he would be fired and these thought claimed sleep from him. Now that he had nothing to worry about, he was sure he would get a better night's rest but until then, he was practically a dead weight.

He thought he had been concealing his tiredness well until Carlos spoke up. "Are you feeling okay, James?" He asked. "You look really tired."

James nodded. "Yeah," He said, and the exhaustion was even evident in his voice. "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"Maybe you should take a nap when we get home," Logan said, realizing that they were almost back at the Palm Woods. They were currently in the limousine coming from Rocque Records after Gustavo gave them the rest of the day off. "It's not good to lose a lot of sleep."

"I'll be fine, Logan," He insisted. "Really, I'll just make up for it tonight."

That's what he was planning on doing anyway. But one of the main reasons why he didn't want to take a nap that day was because it would just be another circumstance where he would have to be helped into bed and then helped out of it when he woke up. He knew that that was what the physical therapy was for, to help him do those things, but he was still stubborn. He was determined to walk again. Why take physical therapy if he was going to walk again?

But a small part of him reminded his more stubborn part that this was unlikely to happen. The stem cell was out of the question and there was only a small chance that he would just wake up one morning and be able to walk again. If he was being realistic, James knew that he may very well never be able to walk again.

Logan's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "If you're sure," He said, his voice uncertain and giving James a skeptical look. But James simply ignored him as they pulled into the parking lot of the Palm Woods. Kendall and Carlos helped James' wheelchair to the ground and James waited for one of them to push him.

"Don't you want to push yourself?" Kendall asked. James had been insistent on doing everything he could by himself and movement was no different.

But James shook his head. "No," He said. "My hands are starting to hurt." He turned his hands over to reveal his palms. They were red and shiny, no doubt from the friction generated between his hands and the rubber of his wheelchair.

"That looks like it hurts," Carlos said. "Maybe you should let me and Kendall push you around for a few days until you can get gloves or something like that.

James nodded as Carlos took position behind his chair, pushing him into the lobby. Although James had been downstairs several times since he first arrived at the Palm Woods, people kept staring. It was like they simply couldn't accept the fact that James was paralyzed.

He tried to avoid everyone's stairs as they moved to the elevators but it was hard when he _knew_ that everyone's eyes were on him. He loved attention but not the kind he was getting. He wanted people to stare at him because he was singing or dancing or doing something cool, not because they thought he was some freak show for being in a wheelchair.

Just as they reached the elevator, Camille passed them. They hadn't spoken since before James' accident, and since Logan and Camille were no longer together there was no reason for her to come to the apartment anymore. Instead of saying anything, she smiled at the boys as she walked by. But James could see the sympathy in her eyes, the way that they filled with tears at the mere sight of him. He didn't like being treated like this. He wanted things to go back to normal.

The light above the elevator turned on and a _ding_ signified the elevator's arrival. Carlos pushed James into the elevator, Kendall walking in after and holding the door for Logan, who was still on his crutches. The ride to the second floor was absolutely silent, but James didn't think he could talk even if he wanted to. He was much too busy trying to hold back the tears that Camille had brought to his eyes. He didn't know when he had become such a cry baby but he wanted it to stop.

The elevator dinged again, and Carlos let Logan and Kendall out before pushing James out as well. They arrived at the door to 2J shortly, Kendall fumbling with the keys for a few moments before opening the door and letting everyone in.

There was a note on the table from Mrs. Knight explaining that she was at the grocery store and that she would be back soon. All of the boys just assumed that Katie was down by the pool, so none of them were worrying as they gravitated towards the couch.

Kendall, Carlos and Logan all plopped down on the seats with ease while James rolled up to the end of the couch like he had the other day. While Carlos was flipping through channels, James found himself struggling more and more with keeping his tears at bay.

He hated how his life had changed so much. While he appreciated all of the help his friends and family had been giving him, he wished that it wasn't necessary. James didn't like the fact that he couldn't go through the lobby without getting sympathetic looks from everyone around him. Although it was easily the highlight of his day, James hated the fact that Gustavo and Kelly had to dig into funds to build a special microphone just for him. He hated how Kendall had to help him in and out of bed every night, how he couldn't bathe or change or go to the bathroom by himself, how he always found himself in sticky situations. Even the simple fact of not being able to sit on the couch or in his dinner chair bothered James immensely.

James didn't understand why this had to happen to him. His grandmother had died on his birthday two years ago and he had lost his mother only a few short months later. Gustavo picked Kendall over him, Griffin dropped Big Time Rush, his friends tried to replace him; granted, all of these things were okay now, but it still bothered James to know that each of them happened.

James knew that Logan thought the whole situation was his fault but James begged to differ. If it weren't for James, Carlos and Kendall pestering Logan to let them race home, then James and Logan wouldn't have been racing to beat each other and James wouldn't have gone past where they were supposed to stop and Logan wouldn't have had to save him. In retrospect, most of it was his fault. He wished that he could go back in time and change it, but he knew better than anyone that things didn't work that way.

"James, are you okay?" Carlos asked. James' eyes darted to Carlos and gave his friend a questioning glance.

Logan returned James' confused look with one of his own. "You're crying," He stated, not only confusion but concern lacing his brown eyes. James lifted a hand to his face in surprise, pulling it back to reveal moisture on his fingertips. He wasn't as good as suppressing his tears as he thought he was.

He shook his head. "I'm fine," He said. "Just thinking."

"About what?" Kendall asked. James silently cursed his friend for being so curious. Then again, he should have known that he couldn't say that he was _just thinking_ and not expect Kendall or any one of his friends to question it.

He forced a smile onto his face. "I'm fine, really," He lied. "I was just thinking about the new microphone in the studio. It was really nice of Gustavo and Kelly to install it for me. They're happy tears, not sad tears." There were times where he could lie to his friends and get away with it. He prayed with what little hope he had that this was one of those times.

Fortunately it was. "Oh," Carlos said. "Okay. You'd tell us if something was wrong though, right?" He asked expectantly, knowing exactly what the answer should be.

James knew what the answer should be too. He knew that he should be honest with his friends and tell them how he was really feeling, but every time he brought up these kind of things his friends—especially Logan—became very upset and James didn't like being the source of his friends sadness. He also didn't want to burden them with all of his problems, which was something he had been doing a lot lately.

Instead of answering truthfully, James kept his fake smile plastered onto his face as he said, "Of course."

And so the lying had begun.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **I'm not too fond of this chapter and I'm incredibly sorry for the delay. Things have been so busy lately because softball has started and akldja and also just school work and vacations. But finals are coming soon and I'll be less busy because of the new semester. Forgive me please. I'll be uploading regularly soon.

Review?


	9. Logan

**OMWGNOTE: **I'm pretty sure we can get one hundred reviews now. We only need seven more! Today I watched my favorite scenes of How To Train Your Dragon. I say it's a successful day thus far.

Oh, yeah. There's angst ahead.

* * *

"_I'm now at the end of my eternity. I fall asleep to have the darkest dreams; this just won't seem right to me. I close my eyes and beg for peace." –Jersey, Mayday Parade_

The shrill ring of Logan's cell phone on his bedside table caused the boy to wake up. With a groan, Logan extended his left hand to hit the surface and fumbled around for a few moments, his eyes still closed as his fingers gripped the small square object that was his cell phone.

He didn't even bother to look at caller ID as he answered the phone, mumbling a sleepy, "Hello?" into the receiver.

"Logan!" Kendall's voice said from the other line, startling Logan with the loud volume. "Where are you? I've been trying to reach you for hours!"

Logan rolled over in his bed, opening his eyes to stare at the dark ceiling. "What?" He asked. "Why?"

He heard a crash on the other side that made him sit up in bed. "We're at the hospital. Just get here, alright?" The line went dead immediately after.

Logan pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it in confusion as the home screen popped up, signifying his call with Kendall had ended. If everyone really _was_ at the hospital, then why hadn't they bothered to wake him when they left? His question was still unanswered when he looked to the other side of the room, revealing Carlos' empty bed.

Still confused, Logan pulled back the covers and got out of bed. He stumbled to the door, wrenching it open and stepping into the quiet hallway. Making his way down the stairs, Logan noticed that the apartment was completely empty just as Kendall had said. He was still confused, however, as to why no one had woken him in the first place.

Shaking his head, he grabbed his keys off of the counter before and left the apartment, choosing to go down the stairs instead of the elevator. When he arrived in the lobby, its emptiness surprised him. He had only seen the lobby empty a handful of times, and that was when his friends were under the impression that the Palm Woods was haunted. Then Logan realized that it was around the same time of night that it was when he had gone ghost hunting, and put the thought out of his mind as he headed outside.

He didn't have to search the parking lot to find the BTR mobile. Logan didn't even notice that the entire lot was empty as he got into the driver's seat, hastily sticking the keys into the ignition before driving off in a hurry.

As he drove down the unusually empty and quiet streets of Los Angeles, he wondered what could be so horrible that one of his friends was in the hospital. Without even thinking about it, he assumed that it was James, for his friend was already injured and had possibly run into a complication. There could be another reason as to why James would be in the hospital, but that was something Logan didn't want to think about.

Logan arrived at the hospital much sooner than he had anticipated and nearly jumped out of his car once it was stationary. He rushed through the sliding doors to be met with a completely empty waiting area. Granted, it was three in the morning, but he had never seen a hospital empty even at such a time.

Somehow he didn't need direction to know where his friends were. Although he had only been to the hospital once it felt like he had been countless times as he navigated through the hallways to reach his destination. The hospital was still eerily empty as he passed through it, not a doctor, nurse, or even patient in sight.

Finally he came to a closed door, so much like the others. But this door Logan felt a connection to. He knew that this was the door that his friends were behind. Taking a deep breath, Logan opened the door and stepped inside the small room. He immediately recognized Kendall and Carlos' backs to him. Even if they didn't, he would have known who they were in mere seconds judging by the fact that they turned at the sound of the door opening.

They both looked horrible. Carlos had always been one to be sensitive, so obviously Logan had seen him cry before. Being at the hospital only evoked such a reaction in Carlos and although Logan was worried for his friend, the red blotches on his face and puffy eyes were nothing new to him. However, Kendall looked exactly the same, and Logan didn't think he'd ever seen Kendall cry. It was a rarity to find their oh so fearless leader broken down like he was right now. Both of them were looking at him with expressions of sadness, but something else was interlaced in their sad eyes that Logan couldn't understand.

"I—what's wrong?" Logan forced himself to spit out. Obviously something was very wrong if he was standing in a hospital room and both of his friends were crying. Suddenly, he noticed the absence of his third friend. "Kendall? Where's James?"

Kendall didn't answer him. In a desperate search for an answer, Logan turned to his other friend. "Carlos?" He asked shakily. But Carlos didn't respond either.

It took several moments for either of them to respond. "He's right here," Carlos said finally. His voice was monotonous, dead-sounding and hollow. It didn't sound like Carlos. In fact, the boy before him didn't even look like Carlos. Now Logan picked up on the fact that not only did Carlos look eternally sad, he looked like a zombie. Kendall, too. They looked as though their minds were somewhere else.

But Logan couldn't see James. For the first time, however, Logan noticed Kendall and Carlos were standing in front of something—what, he didn't know. But somehow, he knew that they were standing in front of James. Guarding him, almost as if they were trying to protect him from Logan.

His eyebrows furrowing, Logan craned his neck to try to see past Kendall or Carlos, but found that he wouldn't be able to see behind them unless he actually moved his body. Sending a wary glance at his friends, he began to edge past Kendall to get to what they were guarding. Logan sort of expected that Kendall would lunge on him, given his current zombie-like state, but nothing happened. Kendall let him pass without even moving an inch.

When Logan got past Kendall, he wished that he could just go back and pretend like none of this had ever happened. But it was too late now.

The sight he was greeted with was both disturbing, sickening and upsetting all at the same time. James lay completely still on the cot, the sheets pulled up just a few inches below the point where his neck and shoulders connected. Even without the flat line of a machine, it was obvious to Logan that James was dead. James' skin was paler than he had ever seen it and the natural rosy hue to his cheeks was completely gone. It was strange seeing James like this, unmoving. Part of Logan expected James to sit up and laugh everything off, telling Logan that this was all just a scam as the color and life returned to his skin.

But that wasn't happening. James was still dead before him. He wasn't even James anymore. He was just a body, representing the person that Logan's friend once was.

Before he could even shed one tear after his initial shock, a tap on his shoulder directed his attention away from the body on the cot and towards his friends. They were both staring at him with those dead expressions, sadness and something Logan still couldn't place in their features. Kendall was holding a piece of paper out to him, and after the initial confusion disappeared, Logan realized that Kendall wanted him to take the note.

With a hand that he didn't even know was shaking, Logan took the note from Kendall. He could feel Zombie Carlos and Zombie Kendall's eyes on him, but he tried to ignore the feeling and opened the note.

Logan immediately recognized James' messy scrawl as he opened the note, the ink of his letters smudged in several places due to the fact that James was left handed.

_I can't do this anymore_, it read. _Paralysis has ruined my life and I can't live another day knowing that I'll never be able to walk again. Maybe if I had been saved in time, things wouldn't have had to end like this…_

It was short and simple, but to Logan it said everything. It told him that it was _his_ fault that James committed suicide. Logan looked up at Kendall and Carlos then, and finally, he was able to place the emotion he couldn't understand before; blame, betrayal, anger. They all had different definitions but to Logan, they were synonymous.

Logan focused his attention back on James, where he noticed something he hadn't before. Purple blotches encompassed what Logan could see of James' neck, light red marks around them, and Logan just _knew_ that these marks were from a rope. He felt all the breath leave his lungs as he realized that James had hanged himself.

Before he can even be truly upset about the action, James' eyes snapped open to reveal nothing but white. Logan gasped and began to back away, only to be stopped by Kendall and Carlos. He looked between his two friends, about to beg them to let him go, but their eyes were white too and their grips were like iron on his upper arms. Unable to look at them anymore, he directed his attention back to James, fear rising in his chest.

James still wasn't breathing but he was slowly rising off of the table, using his arms to push himself up. The sheet that was resting on his chest pooled around his waist as he got into a complete upright position. He moved to pull back the sheets, revealing that James was only in his underwear. In any other circumstance, it would be extremely awkward for Logan to watch, but fear was overwhelming the awkwardness.

Once he was free of the sheets, James swung his legs to the edge of the cot. Logan didn't have time to wonder how James could move his legs due to being paralyzed because just then, James directed his empty stare towards Logan.

"Logan," He said, his voice so gruff and un-James like. He pushed himself out of the bed and began walking towards Logan, who was now struggling against Kendall and Carlos. But they wouldn't let go and James only edged closer and closer until he was all up in Logan's face, staring into Logan's terrified eyes with his white ones.

"You ruined my life," He said angrily. "You should have done a better job of saving me, but you didn't. I'm dead thanks to you. But you're not going to get away with it." Without another word, James reached his hands forward and wrapped them around Logan's neck.

The stark contrast of Logan's warm skin to James' cold fingers caused Logan to gasp, but that was the last breath he was able to take before James began squeezing. His thumbs pressed harshly against Logan's windpipe, like his only goal was to crush it completely. Logan started making sounds, these choked gasps as he struggled to breathe, but James only pressed harder and soon, Logan couldn't even make those sounds. He felt himself becoming more and more lightheaded as James literally squeezed the life out of him, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to last much longer—

Logan's eyes snapped open and he literally jumped in his bed, breathing heavily. He was covered in sweat, his clothes clinging to his frame uncomfortably. He sat up in bed, touching his neck with one of his hands. It was almost as if he could feel James' cold fingers still wrapped around it, pressing harder and harder. Although the sensation wasn't there, it was still extremely difficult for Logan to breathe.

He pushed his covers off of him in a desperate attempt to become cooler. He knew what he had just experienced was only a dream, but somehow he was finding this fact hard to accept. Logan immediately looked to the other side of the room, where Carlos was sleeping peacefully, but even this wasn't enough to reassure him that the past few minutes' events were all in his head. He knew that the only way to assure that everything was a dream was to go check on Kendall and James.

So that's exactly what he did. Logan slowly got out of bed, careful not to agitate his injured knee and foot, and began limping his way towards the door. He knew that he was supposed to be using his crutches, but he didn't particularly like them and he was only making a trip downstairs; he didn't see what harm it would cause him if he was going back upstairs directly afterwards.

Logan pulled his door open quietly, slipping through the small crack he had created and taking extra time to close it to make sure he didn't make any noise. After he was satisfied, he hobbled the short distance to the stairs, where his hand tightly gripped the railing as he carefully descended the steps.

His breathing had returned to normal by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs and for that he was glad. He was afraid that his hyperventilating would wake Kendall or James upon entering their room.

He finally reached his friends' room and he turned the doorknob slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. It took a few moments for Logan's eyes to adjust to the darkness but once they had, he saw that everything was as it should be. Both Kendall and James were fast asleep, their chests rising and slowly falling in steady rhythms.

Although he should be satisfied, it didn't change the fact that he _wasn't. _He carefully shut the door and then began the trek back to his own room. His knee and foot were killing him, so he stopped in the kitchen to take his medication with a glass of water. It only took a minute, and then he was taking his time going up the stairs.

By the time Logan had reached the top, he was inhaling deeper and deeper. For some reason, he just couldn't get enough air into his lungs. He tried to quiet it as he entered his shared room with Carlos, but it was impossible and Carlos was a heavy sleeper anyway.

Soon he was back in his bed, and his breathing had escalated to the point where he was almost hyperventilating. Each breath he took just wasn't enough, and even when he tried to close his eyes and sleep it off, sleep wouldn't take him.

Logan knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was having a mild anxiety attack. He was shaking uncontrollably and he was even shedding tears. He was absolutely sure that his nightmare had brought it on, but it was the guilt that kept it going.

James had assured him in the hospital that he didn't blame Logan at all for his paralysis, but Logan knows very well that James could have been lying to him for his sake. James had never liked seeing people upset and perhaps he had lied to Logan just to get him to feel better. Maybe Logan's nightmare was a way of telling him that James really _did _blame Logan for his paralysis.

Breathing became even more difficult for Logan, if possible, as he contemplated this fact. James had never been one to lie often but Logan and the boys had caught him in one here and there. What if James had been lying to Logan about the accident? What if James really did hate Logan for being paralyzed nad blamed him for the whole thing? What if James came into Logan's room at night and tried to kill him? What if—

Logan shook his head to clear all the unwelcome pestering questions that were invading his mind. Of course James didn't hate him, and of course James wasn't lying to Logan about something as serious as their situation was. James wouldn't do that. Would he?

He chuckled quietly. What was he thinking? Of course James wouldn't lie to him about that. It would only hurt both of them in the long run and surely that wasn't what James wanted.

It took an hour and a half for Logan to calm his breathing and stop his body from shaking. The flow of tears finally ceased sometime around two-thirty in the morning, leaving Logan's eyes feeling tired and heavy. He reassured himself one last time that James didn't hate him and didn't blame him for what happened, and he was finally able to sleep.

But the seed of doubt was still there, implanted into the back of Logan's mind. It was only a matter of time until it engulfed everything that Logan knew, and everything blew up in his face.

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**OMWGNOTE: **I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS CHAPTER. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. No really, the dream was my favorite. I'm sure you all caught on that it was a dream when James opened his eyes and they were all creepy and white, but you could have totally caught on before that if you noticed that Logan's knee/foot wasn't hurt. Not only was he not limping, but he was able to drive, and its Logan's RIGHT leg that's injured. Obviously he can't drive then. Mwahaha. But anyway. Wooo angst of the Logan variety. So fun. Review?


	10. James

**OMWGNOTE: **This is me being stunned because you guys blew away my expectations with twenty reviews for last chapter. If I knew that all I had to do was freak you guys out then I would have done it a long time ago. But anyway, thank you so much and I think that we should stick to that number for this chapter. It makes me happy and more motivated to update.

This chapter isn't as freaky as the last one was (maybe) but the next two chapters after this will be going along with a whole dreaming theme. I'd say that C20 is where the _real_ angst begins, in case you thought that all of the previous chapters were angst. No, they're not. That's like…nothing compared to what's ahead. Just so you know.

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"_Now there's an aching in my back, a stabbing pain that says I lack the common sense and confidence to bring an end to promises that I make in times of desperate conversation, hoping my night will be better than theirs in the end." –Jasey Rae, All Time Low_

_It wasn't hard to tell that he was dreaming._

_Not only was there snow on the ground and he was currently standing in front of a funeral home, standing was the key word. James was able to stand, and if he really wanted to, he was almost positive he would be able to take a step forward and then another and another and keep walking until he reached the door. And then, he was sure that he could get up and do it again whenever he wanted. But for now, he was just standing._

_There was something eerie about the funeral home in front of him. There was the fact that the sky was dark and the parking lot was empty, something he had never seen before. As he tried to blink away the flakes of snow clinging stubbornly to his eyelashes, he noticed that the funeral home was the same place his grandmother's funeral was held in._

_Obviously he was here to mourn a death. But from the looks of his apparel, which was not funeral appropriate, and his surroundings, no one else was here and James couldn't possibly think of anyone who had died recently. Because he knew it was a dream, everything could possibly be a flashback and he could be revisiting his grandmother's wake. Against his better judgment, James began to walk forward._

_Although he knew it was a dream, everything felt real. The snow, the chilly air biting at his nose and cheeks and making them flush with the cold, and even the sensation of walking. James had only been paralyzed for a few weeks at this point, but he had forgotten how much easier it was. He didn't truly realize how difficult his life as a paraplegic was until now._

_He finally reached the door and gripped the doorknob, flinching at the sensation of the cold metal. Now in a hurry to get inside, James quickly slipped through the entrance and shut the door behind him. He welcomed the warm air that immediately greeted him, warming his face and getting rid of the numb feeling that it had adopted._

_A man nodded at James, smiling sadly, before motioning his head to the stairs to James' right. James nodded and thanked the man, before heading up the steps. The old, carpeted wood creaked under his weight with each one, and as he got further up he realized that it was getting much colder. Despite this fact, it was still warm compared to outside's conditions and James welcomed this._

_There were several rooms on the second floor but somehow James knew which one was which. To his left was a hallway that held a sitting area and a bathroom, and to his right was the room where they held the bodies for viewing._

_If there was one thing James remembered about his grandmother's wake, it was the room being entirely too cold. James was almost sure it had something to do with the fact that there was a dead body in the room, but it was still an unpleasant experience. He also remembered horrible music playing quietly in the room, only making it that much worse to be in. But the worst part, by far, was always the body._

_There was something about seeing a loved one—or any person, really—dead that plays tricks on your mind. For starters, it almost always looks like the person is made out of wax because there is no way that the person in that coffin could look so fake and still. But after the initial shock, tears blind your eyes and then you have to keep convincing yourself that no, the person did not just breathe, it's just a mind trick. _

_And even in this horrible category, there was always the worst part about the body; touching it, him, her. The skin was cold to touch and rock hard and so different from what normal human contact is like. It's chilling, disturbing, and bound to keep you up at night._

_If James was being honest, he expected to walk into the room and see his grandmother in the casket. The whole dream was a sense of déjà vu to him, and he knew that the dream wouldn't be able to predict the future or anything seeing as he was up and walking. But when he saw who was in the coffin, he nearly had a heart attack._

_James could sense a few other people in the room with him but all he could focus on was the fact that he was looking at himself in the coffin. Seeing dead people at wakes was creepy enough, but himself? It almost made him pee his pants._

_It was then James noticed how weird this must look to other people in the room. He was standing here, but he was also in a casket. He turned to assure the other people in the room that this was just a dream, that it wasn't real, but he realized only three other people were in the room with him. Those three people were none other than Kendall, Carlos and Logan._

"_You lied," Kendall said immediately, his voice monotonous. "We could have helped you." His eyes flickered between James and the dead body in the coffin. James immediately noticed that Kendall's irises were not their normal green; they were black._

_James opened his mouth to say something, but Logan cut him off. "Why did you lie?" Logan asked, his tone lacking emotion just like Kendall's. "You could have been honest. You could have kept your promise."_

"_Why don't you keep your promises, James?" Carlos asked, and he noticed they were all edging towards him. "Why do you have to lie through your teeth? Why can't you be a good friend?"_

_James didn't answer them. He couldn't answer them. He didn't mean to lie to his friends. It just happened. He didn't want them to worry, didn't want more attention focused on him than there already was. James had always liked attention but the attention he had been receiving lately was not the kind he liked. Everyone stared at him like he was some pour soul and for reasons unknown to him, Camille and some of his other Palm Woods friends wouldn't even talk to him._

_But maybe this dream was a sign. Maybe, if he kept the lying up, this is how things would turn out. But a voice in the back of James' mind told him that he was being stupid. No matter how bad things got, James vowed he would never resort to self-harm. It would prove that he was weak. James didn't want that. He wasn't stupid, either. He knew it wasn't the right way to go about things. Obviously he would go to his friends if things got really bad but until then, James was fine with being quiet._

_He was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't even notice that Kendall, Carlos and Logan were all practically on top of him, only a few inches from his face. Their cold black eyes were beginning to scare him, but they weren't making any moves to attack. It didn't stop him from flinching when Logan moved behind him to flip open the bottom half of the casket._

_Carlos and Kendall started advancing on James, causing the boy in question to back away from them. Their eyes still stared the crap out of him, and the word soulless popped into his mind. But he shook that thought away. Carlos and Kendall were his best friends; Logan, too. He shouldn't have to be afraid of them._

_That thought was discarded as they cornered him, making his hip bump into the coffin. He lost his balance for a moment, almost falling in, before righting himself. He glanced behind him to see the dead body of himself still in the coffin, still as ever._

_It was this moment that Kendall, Carlos, and Logan took the opportunity to push James into the casket. He fell right on top of the body, screaming at the cold and hard sensation that was underneath him. He desperately tried to push himself up, off of the dead body that was himself, but Kendall and Carlos held him down. Logan shut the bottom half of the casket, effectively pinning his legs inside._

_James only struggled more as Logan moved to shut the top half of the coffin, trying to get his legs free. "Please," He begged. "Don't do this. I'm sorry!"_

_But they didn't listen to him. Instead, Kendall smiled at him, an eerie smile that Kendall should never wear. "Goodbye, James," He said, helping Logan shut the lid._

"_No!" James screamed as his friends trapped him in the casket. He heard a click from outside, and he knew that now he was locked inside. James began to hyperventilate, banging on the confines of the wooden box. "Let me out! Please! I'm sorry, I'll never do it again!" But there was no response from outside._

_Although it was an effort in vain, James began to struggle more. He tired to ignore the dead body he was laying on top of as he thrashed around, kicking and punching every surface he came into contact with. At this point, he was sobbing, frustrated and scared tears rapidly making their way down his cheeks._

_James choked on a sob. "Please," He cried, "Let me go." To his dismay, no one answered him._

_He was beginning to get claustrophobic, which probably had to do with the fact he was in a tight enclosed space next on top of his own dead body. He hastily reminded himself that it was a dream, that he would be able to wake up, but obviously his mind was torturing him. If he could wake up, why didn't he? Why was he trapped in this horrible nightmare?_

_Suddenly he felt like something was pulling him downward, and he stilled and stopped breathing. Something was pulling at his legs from underneath him, like it was trying to bring him to the bottom of the coffin. But the body was in the way. That was impossible…_

_Two red lights illuminated the small area, and James noticed with a pang of fear that the source was the eyes of the dead body. It didn't say anything; instead, James felt the pulling feeling becoming stronger, spreading to encompass his entire body._

_James only began struggling again, realizing what was happening. He was going to become one with the other body in the coffin, and he knew that if this happened he would die. "Kendall!" He screamed, hitting the coffin again. "Carlos! Logan!" The terror was evident in his voice, and he hoped his zombie-like friends noticed this and at least held an ounce of care for him. "Help me! Let me out!"_

_But the coffin never opened, and James could feel the power getting stronger. Before long, he couldn't feel anything anymore, and he began sobbing louder. "Help!" He tried again, desperate to get out of that casket and breathe again and be free. But the help never came. It only took a few more seconds before James was gone._

* * *

James' eyes snapped open, taking a moment to adjust before realizing that he was back in his room. His breathing was a bit ragged, and he could feel his hair sticking to his forehead due to the sweat that had accumulated on his face. He let out a shuddering breath, closing his eyes and trying to calm himself and ignore the aching in his lower back that he had gotten used to lately.

Although he knew the entire time that he was dreaming, everything had been so real. The fear, the darkness, the _cold_. It was hands down the freakiest dream James ever had, and he felt a little unsettled and knew that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep easily.

He couldn't help but think his subconscious was trying to tell him something, and that was that he shouldn't be lying to his best friends. But in his defense, he didn't even consider himself _depressed_. Of course he was upset that he was paralyzed and probably would never walk again. It was a fact that he had accepted, though it took a while to do so. He had just been feeling down lately, paralysis and the fact that there was no cure being the reason behind it. It wasn't like he wanted to kill himself or anything. The slight dip in his mood lately was completely justified, and he didn't need to inform his friends of what he already knew.

James knew that when he seriously got depressed, he would tell his friends. If it got as bad as wanting to kill himself, he would get help. He was going to keep his promise to Kendall. He didn't like breaking promises.

He sneaked a glance at the blonde boy in question. He twitched a bit in his sleep every now and then, his face distraught like _he _was having a nightmare as well. James frowned, the blue numbers of their alarm clock illuminating his friend's face. The glow brought his attention to the clock, which signified to him that it was well past midnight.

James' frown was replaced with a smile. He closed his eyes and turned his head to face the wall, now eager to fall asleep. He wanted to make the next day absolutely fantastic, and that wouldn't happen if he was too freaked out over his dream and couldn't sleep.

Kendall deserved to have a nice seventeenth birthday.

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**OMWGNOTE: **Yes. It's Kendall's birthday after the next two chapters. So C13? Yeah. Um, right now I'm listening to The Backstreet Boys, and before you snicker at my expense, don't, because

A). You KNOW you listened to them when you were younger, and

B). You just read a fanfiction about a boy band. Enough said.

Um anyway who thought this dream was creepier than the last? Because I don't like the whole "trapped in the coffin" theme but I thought Logan's dream was a bit creepier. Anyway. Thank you again for all of the reviews last chapter! Let's try to reach 20 again!


	11. Carlos

**OMWGNOTE: **Not as many reviews as last time, but I'm still really happy about the turn-out, so thank you. You should believe me when I say that this chapter really isn't creepy at all. It's Carlos. He's precious, not creepy. I'm not even lying, I swear. Just read the chapter.

Also I'm really sorry about the long time without an update. I've recently started a new semester and the classes I have now come with a much heavier workload. And yeah. I hate school.

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"_I'll look out for you 'til I die, 'til I rot." –I Want To Know Your Plans, Say Anything_

Carlos woke up much later than he usually did, which was really saying something. He never got up before eleven if he didn't have to, and on those days he usually slept until noon. But when Carlos finally opened his tired eyes and waited for the blur that came with sleep to disappear, the alarm clock that he and Logan shared told him it was past one.

He sat up slowly, wiping at his eyes to help his vision. Once it was cleared, he looked around his room. Logan was obviously already out of bed, his side of the room neat and his bed already made. However, several clothes strewn across the floor and a black hockey helmet lying by the door gave evidence that Carlos lived there as well.

Yawning, Carlos pulled the covers off his legs and stood up, stretching a bit before heading towards his door. He thrust it open, not even flinching at the sound it made as it collided with the door. He walked the few short feet down the hallway and without even thinking about it, dove head-first down the swirly slide.

He wasn't surprised to find the apartment empty. His friends were always out, and he never really knew what Mrs. Knight and Katie were up to. He was about to push himself off the ground to go fix himself a bowl of cereal, but he found a pair of oddly familiar bright green eyes staring him down that ceased his movements.

The creature meowed at him, swiping one of its paws at him. Carlos lay completely still, not sure whether or not he should believe what he was seeing. Because right now, he was freaking out on the inside. He was positive he wouldn't be able to contain it for much longer, his love for kitten was too strong—

"_Kitten_!" Carlos exclaimed happily, sitting up on his knees and grabbing at the kitten. The kitten meowed again in protest, its bright green eyes narrowed. Carlos ruffled the cat's golden fur before bringing it up to his face, cooing at it and making baby faces.

His affection didn't last for long. The kitten didn't seem to like Carlos very much, as he proved when he wriggled his way out of Carlos' hold and scattered away from him, jumping up on the orange couch and laying down.

Carlos pouted at the small animal. "Hey!" He whined, getting up and heading towards the kitten. He plopped himself on the couch next to the cat, causing the creature to look up and glare at him with those big, green eyes. Despite the cat's obvious resentment towards him, Carlos simply picked him up again and began stroking his fur.

"I'm going to name you…" Carlos trailed off, trying to find an appropriate name for the purring cat that seemed to like him now. "Simba. Because your fur is pretty and golden and _The Lion King_ is an awesome movie."

The kitten meowed at him again, turning around in Carlos' lap and standing on his hind legs to rest his front paws on Carlos' chest. It was then that Carlos noticed the collar around the kitten's neck, the shiny silver tag hanging just below Simba's chin.

Carlos held the tag between two fingers, squinting and trying to read the name engraved onto the metal. "Kendall," He read aloud. "Huh, that's funny, my best friend's name is Kend-_Oh my God_!" He grabbed Kendall and held the poor kitten in front of his face. "How did you get turned into a cat?" He demanded, staring into the eyes that he now recognized. Kendall only meowed in return. "I don't speak kitten! I speak _Carlos_!"

Kendall only wormed his way out of Carlos' grasp again, hopping off the couch and strutting over to the bottom of the swirly slide. He walked in a circle for a moment before curling up right next to the plastic, burying his face in his paws and shutting his eyes.

Carlos was definitely about to go and bother Kendall, because _no_ kitten walked away from him, best friend or not, but a flash of dark brown caught his eye and he was distracted.

Another meow was heard from behind him, and since Carlos could clearly see Kendall being lazy in front of him, he knew there was another kitten in the room. The smile that had disappeared when Kendall left him made its way back onto Carlos' face as he spotted another kitten sitting on the table.

In contrast to the golden color of Kendall's fur, this kitten's fur was such a dark brown that one could mistake it for black. It was also much smaller than Kendall, obviously the runt of the litter. Before Carlos could wrongly name the kitten after a character from one of his favorite Disney movies, he spotted the silver tag that must have the cat's name on it.

Innocent brown eyes stared up at him as he edged towards the cat, kneeling down in front of it and gripping the name tag in his fingers. _Logan_, it read. Carlos looked from the name tag to Logan, who had his nose scrunched as he stared back at Carlos.

"Why are you guys kittens?" Carlos demanded, honestly expecting to get an answer from Logan. Logan was the smart one. Surely he would be able how to talk like a human even in his cat-form. But to Carlos' disappointment, Logan only meowed at him before jumping off the coffee table and running past Carlos.

Carlos let out a frustrated sigh, throwing his hands up into the air. "I'm so confused!" He screamed to no one in particular, giving up on Kendall the kitten and Logan the kitten and walking into the kitchen. He took out a bowl and reached into the cabinet to get some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Just as he was pouring the small sugary squares into his bowl, he heard a growl from behind him.

He rolled his eyes, assuming Kendall and Logan were having a cat fight—literally. But when he turned, Logan was on top of the counter next to him, and Kendall was messing with a new kitten that Carlos hadn't seen before. But judging by the light brown fur and hazel eyes…

"James?" He asked, abandoning his bowl and walking to where Kendall was laying on top of their new arrival. In response, the new kitten meowed at him, which Carlos took as a confirmation. He sighed again. How and why were his friends cats?

Then it hit him—obviously this was a dream. He didn't know how or why his fetish for cats had been translated into dreaming about his best friends being cats, but he'd take it. He would never admit it out loud, but his friends made some pretty damn cute kittens.

"Kendall, get off of James," Carlos demanded softly, crouching down in front of where Kendall was laying on top of James. When Kendall didn't listen to him and instead tried to use James as a bed, Carlos picked Kendall up, trying to ignore the way Kendall was clawing at his arms and how it _hurt,_ and placed him down on the ground next to James.

"C'mere, buddy," Carlos said. James pushed himself up into a sitting position, meowing again. But he wouldn't move forward. "James, come _on_," Carlos whined, sitting on the back of his legs.

James hissed at him, glaring. Carlos realized then that James was just as pissy as a cat as he was when he was human.

Sighing, Carlos got up, deciding to go back to his cereal. He figured that if James wanted to play with him, he would come on his own. Despite how adorable they were as cats, Carlos was beginning to grow annoyed with his cat-friends. Logan couldn't seem to sit still, Kendall hated him and James, and James just didn't want to _move_.

Carlos grabbed the milk from the fridge, mumbling something about mean kittens as he poured it on his cereal and then returned it to his place. Angrily sticking his spoon inside his bowl, Carlos began to devour the sugary goodness that was inside.

He paid no mind to his feline friends as he finished his breakfast and dumped the remains of his sugary milk into the sink, filling his bowl with water afterward. He was still set out on ignoring his kitten friends and was going to watch television, but an outburst of meows and growls and hisses caught his attention.

Kendall and James were having another cat fight, but it wasn't a two party even seeing as James wasn't even fighting back. Kendall looked to be clawing at James' face, almost like he was trying to take an eye out, and James was just sitting there, meowing as if he were calling out for help.

Carlos sighed again, this time in frustration, before pulling Kendall off of James. He held the squirming cat in his hands for a moment, trying to ignore the fact that Kendall was trying to claw his arm off as he searched for a place to put him. He spotted a laundry basket in the corner and smiled. He nearly ran over to it, knowing that by now his arm was bleeding from the way Kendall scratched it every millisecond, and lifted the basket off of the ground for a moment before shoving Kendall underneath, effectively trapping him in the jail-like confines of the basket.

Kendall hissed at him, obviously unhappy with this new arrangement, but Carlos ignored him. "Come on, James," He said, making at motion with his fingers. "Let's asse—assi—look at your booboos." James meowed, sort of nodding with his head, and Carlos turned and began to head towards the bathroom, assuming James was following him.

Once in the bathroom, Carlos grabbed the Transformer bandages from the medicine cabinet. He grabbed a tissue and wiped the blood from his wounds, not caring about disinfecting the cuts, before opening three band-aids and covering his wounds with them. After smiling at his band-aids, excited because he got two Bumblebees and one Optimus Prime, he faced the doorway and expected James to be there. But he wasn't.

"James?" Carlos called out, exiting the bathroom and walking into the kitchen. He looked around for a moment before his eyes landed on the kitten in question, and when they did, his heart nearly broke into two.

His dream couldn't be _this_ realistic, could it? He was dreaming about his friends being cats, for crying out loud. Everything that was going on in reality shouldn't be happening in his dream world. Dreams were a place where you could escape from all of the bad things happening in reality. But this, as Carlos noted, was too real.

James was literally dragging himself across the floor, seemingly only able to use his front paws to do so. Carlos could hear Kendall meowing like crazy from the confines of the laundry basket, and Logan was still hoping around like he didn't have a care in the world, but cat James—he was _paralyzed_. It shouldn't be a surprise to Carlos. In reality, James was also paralyzed.

But that didn't change the fact that it literally _hurt_ his heart to see James trying to claw his way across the floor.

Suddenly a flash of blonde shot its way over to where James was struggling, and before Carlos could even begin to wonder how the hell Kendall got free from his personal jail cell, he was already standing next to James. Carlos was about to pull Kendall away, sure that the blonde would try to hurt James again, but what he saw surprised him for the second time.

Slowly but surely, Kendall wedged his way under James' belly, still continuing to do so until James was on his back. For the first time Carlos noticed that Kendall was quite bigger than James, obviously the most matured of the three of them and well on his way to being fully-grown. Carlos could only watch on in awe as Kendall stood with James still on his back, walking him over to where Carlos was standing before depositing James at Carlos' feet.

Kendall was about to turn, presumably to curl up into a ball somewhere and nap, but he stopped to rub his face against James' for a moment. Carlos translated this as a hug in kitten land. His heart stopped hurting only to swell at how _adorable_ that was.

Carlos plopped down in front of James, sitting Indian style before the kitten. James dragged himself the last few centimeters to where Carlos was sitting, propping himself up on Carlos' legs. Then, without hesitation, he bit Carlos' leg.

Before Carlos could respond, he was whisked away from James the kitten and when his eyes snapped open, he was in his room with Logan. Sitting up, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and glanced at the clock. It was only a quarter past three, meaning he still had a few hours to sleep.

Falling back into his pillows, Carlos came to the conclusion that he didn't particularly like cats anymore.

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**OMWGNOTE:** This was even more fun to write than C9. Seriously.

GO RADIO'S NEW ALBUM IS COMING OUT SUPER SOON GUYS I'M GOING TO EXPLODE INTO RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES AND LOVE.

If you didn't know, the next chapter goes to the birthday boy.


	12. Kendall

**OMWGNOTE: **Thank you for the reviews. Sorry that this took a while to update. I think that this chapter was weird and sort of gave me writer's block. Hopefully I can get the next chapters out sooner. I've decided not to do softball this year so I should definitely have more time over the next few months. I really just want to get this story done by summer because I have a big story planned for summertime and I want to be done with this when I write it. I'm rambling, aren't I? Oh well, not many people read these author's notes, anyway.

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"_Strange maze, what is this place? I hear voices over my shoulder. Nothing's making sense at all." –Painting Flowers, All Time Low_

Kendall didn't exactly know where he was.

Obviously it was a place he had never been before, or else he would know where he was. He was good at remembering faces and places, but Kendall could never recall being in a place filled with so many trees and vines. There was green all around him, vines winding up and creating walls around him. Kendall could tell by how narrow the room was that this was some sort of maze, and he knew that he would have to go through it. But he had only ever been in corn mazes, unless the haunted house he, Carlos, Logan and James had been to last Halloween counted as a maze.

He figured that he was supposed to walk forward and navigate through the labyrinth. Going purely on instinct, he began to walk forward and approach the end of the pathway. When he reached the end, his only option was to go left. He continued to work his way through the strange maze, though he wasn't sure he could call it a maze because it was pretty much just a forest with a clear path telling him where to go.

After walking for what felt like hours, Kendall began to notice that the vines and trees were beginning to clear, the spaces that they didn't occupy becoming bland, grey walls. At that point, Kendall had realized everything he was experiencing was a dream, for he had no idea how he got there or what his purpose was for being there in the first place.

Finally he reached the end of the maze, or what he thought to be the end. The vegetation had completely eradicated by now, and he was surrounded by the bleak walls in a dimly lit corridor. At the end of the hall, there was a door, staring him down and beckoning to come forth and open it.

Kendall didn't want to go through the door, though. He knew that if he did, he would be faced with his worst nightmare or his greatest dream. He had once chastised Logan for not taking risks, but when it came to himself, Kendall didn't like taking risks. Especially if it was his dream world and he could experience horrible images that he would never be able to see in reality. It terrified him, if he was being honest. Still, Kendall figured that if he ignored the door and just sat down in the middle of the hallway, he would never wake up. Somehow he knew that he had to go through the door to get out of his dream, despite the fact that he had a horrible feeling about doing so.

Sighing, Kendall made his way towards the door, having the feeling that once he opened it he would regret it. But it didn't stop him from gripping the handle and opening the door anyway.

To his surprise, he wasn't attacked by anything like he figured he would. In fact, the door opened to reveal another dimly lit room. Kendall wondered who it was that was in charge of lighting his dreams, because whoever that person was obviously was not doing a good job. Kendall wished he had a flashlight or something because he didn't like how dark it was.

Because it was so dark, Kendall didn't initially notice the other figure in the room with him. But suddenly a small burst of light illuminated the face of his best friend. James looked eerie in the flickering light casted by the small flame resting in his palms. As far as Kendall could see, the flame was literally coming out of James' hand; there was no lighter or match anywhere in sight.

"James?" Kendall asked, his voice hesitant. It probably shouldn't have been so weird considering he _knew_ this was a dream, but none of his friends had ever developed a special ability like this before.

James looked up at the sound of his name, and he looked like he noticed for the first time that Kendall was in the room. He stared back at Kendall, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Kendall felt his heart constrict painfully at the sight. Why was James upset?

"James, are you alright?" Kendall asked, ignoring the flame for a moment and instead focusing on the fact that his best friend was obviously upset. James whispered something Kendall didn't hear. "What?" He took a step closer to his friend.

Before James could answer, the flame grew larger and began to quickly spread up his arms, burning everything in sight. "Kendall!" He screamed, flailing his arms desperately as if it would get rid of the flames. "Kendall, help me!"

The flames continued to spread, traveling all the way up to James' shoulder and then beginning to spread up his neck and down his chest. "Kendall!" He exclaimed again. Kendall snapped out of his frozen shock, desperately looking around the room for something to put the flames out. But he and James were the only ones in the room. Even the door that Kendall had gone through to get to the room had disappeared.

"Please!" James screamed again, making Kendall much more desperate in his search for something to put out the flames. They were completely encompassing James' entire body now, licking at his skin and burning it away in the process. James was sobbing, screeching Kendall's name and cries for help over and over again.

Kendall didn't know what to do. He was watching his best friend die, James' screams echoing in the room and haunting Kendall. Just as he was about to give up and suffer through James's screams, a bucket of water appeared before him.

"Okay James, I'm going to help!" Kendall said quickly, trying to ignore the way his best friend was screaming and crying and making horrible noises he should never have to make. Kendall grabbed for the water, picking up the bucket and wasting no time in pouring the liquid all over his best friend.

But instead of putting out the fire, it was as good as throwing a bucket of gasoline on James because the fire only increased in size. The smell of burning flesh hit Kendall like a tidal wave, and he knew that he would only be able to watch helplessly as the fire at way at James' skin.

It didn't take long. James was beginning to deteriorate at a rapid pace, black ashes filling places where his limbs used to be. Most of his body was flames now, his torso and head the only things still intact. But even then, the flames began eating away and he was quickly being eradicated by the flames.

James' tortured eyes were focused on Kendall and the blonde boy couldn't bear to look at them anymore. He dropped to his knees, not even slightly ashamed as the tears began to flow from his eyes. His best friend was dying, being _tortured_ right in front of him and he had only made James' situation worse than it had been to begin with. He could still feel James' eyes on him and still hear his friend's horrible screams and Kendall knew that even though this was only a dream, it was going to haunt him for quite some time.

The screams came to an abrupt stop, and when Kendall looked up he was met with a pile of ashes sitting in James' chair where his best friend once was. Slowly rising to his feet, Kendall walked the few steps to James' wheelchair, squatting down before him. Reaching out with a shaky hand, he went to touch the ashes, but just as he was about to, they began to fly past him, being carried away by a random gush of wind.

"_It's your fault_."

Kendall distinctly heard the words whispered as James' ashes flew by him, separating at his face and going over his shoulders. But not only did he hear the words, he could tell that it was in James' voice. It was _James_. James was telling Kendall that it was his fault that James just turned into a pile of ashes in front of him.

Kendall wanted to scream. He wanted to pull out his hair until there was none left and scream and cry. He'd been responsible for his best friend's death, and the fact that it was only a dream completely disappeared from Kendall's mind. _He was to blame for what happened to James_.

Before he could do any of the horrible things he wanted to do to himself, the sound of someone screaming hit his ears and he immediately looked up, half-expecting the source to be coming from the very room he was in. But only James' empty wheelchair was there, and looking behind him, all he could see were black ashes clinging to the wall.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he looked back forward and was surprised to find a door in his vision, the screams obviously coming from whatever was behind it. Part of Kendall didn't want to go through the door, because part of him knew that he would be faced with a horrible nightmare like he had just experienced with James. But after reminding himself that if he didn't face his fears he wouldn't be able to wake up, Kendall slowly rose to his feet and walked as slowly as he possibly could to the door in front of him.

He opened the door with a shaking hand, greeted with a sight of Logan withering in pain on the floor and Carlos sitting with his back turned towards Logan. Ignoring Carlos' apparent hostility for the moment, Kendall rushed over to Logan and dropped to his knees by his suffering friend.

"Logan?" He meant to sound like the fearless leader that his friends had come to known him as, but instead he sounded like the terrified little boy that he really was. "Logie, what's wrong? Talk to me buddy."

Logan screamed in response. "It hurts," He sobbed, burying his face into the floor and screaming louder, the floor acting as a mute on his screams. "It's too heavy, I can't take it!"

Kendall placed a hand on Logan's shoulder, though immediately retracted it when Logan only screamed louder at the small weight. "Logan, you have to calm down!" The fear was clearly evident in Kendall's voice, causing his words to shake. "Please, Logan. If you don't calm down I won't know what's wrong!"

"It's too heavy," Logan repeated in a broken sob. "I can't—it _hurts_!" He sobbed more, his breathing become labored from the exertion of his heavy crying.

Kendall couldn't stand seeing another one of his friends in pain and not doing anything about it. But he didn't know what he _could_ do about it. Logan's pain was obviously intangible, but if Kendall looked hard enough, he could tell that something was pinning the brunette to the floor. But when Kendall tried to wave his hand over Logan's body to see if he would run into something, he was met with nothing but empty air.

A choked sob made its way past Kendall's lips. "Logan, I'm sorry," He whispered. "I'm so sorry that I can't help you."

But instead of responding to Kendall or even acknowledging that Kendall said anything at all, Logan only cried harder. It was then that Kendall remembered that he and Logan weren't the only two in the room. He looked up to see Carlos' back still to them, sitting cross-legged and facing the wall.

Kendall rose to his feet and quickly made his way over to his friend. "Carlos," Kendall said, dropping to his knees beside the other boy. "Carlos, we need to help Logan!"

When Carlos turned to look at him, Kendall regretted asking for his help. Carlos wore an expression that Kendall had never seen on him before. His best friend's face was twisted into a mask of anger, his eyes cold and unwelcoming. Kendall literally backed away a few inches, as if being farther away from Carlos would somehow be a defense mechanism against Carlos' unforgiving gaze.

Fortunately Carlos wasn't too interested with Kendall and turned back to what he was doing. Kendall peered his head a little to see what Carlos was doing, only to reveal the boy clenching and unclenching his fists repeatedly, like he desperately wanted to punch something. Kendall didn't know what had gotten into Carlos but it was unlike his friend to be so angry and then blatantly ignore his friends' cries for help.

Suddenly, Logan's screaming came to an abrupt stop and when Kendall turned to see why, he discovered Logan was no longer there. Feeling panic rise into his chest, he turned back to see Carlos gone as well. The room began to waver around him, the walls disappearing and being replaced by mirrors on all sides.

Confusion taking place of the panic for a moment, Kendall rose to his feet and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked as shaken as he felt but there was something off about his reflection. After a few more moments, Kendall began to realize what it was that was so strange about his image.

The Kendall in the mirror was not him anymore. Slowly but surely, it was morphing into something Kendall could only describe as a monster, a _beast_. His hands were replaced by claws, fur growing out of all of his limbs. His reflection nearly doubled in size and Kendall's face grew harrier and sharp teeth began to grow from his mouth.

The panic was back and Kendall had to look down at himself to make sure he wasn't _really_ turning into a monster. To his immense relief, his hands were still normal and not claw-like. But that didn't change the fact that his reflection told him otherwise.

And then his reflection darted to the right, making Kendall turn to the next wall to see where it was going. James was sitting in his wheelchair in this mirror, but then Kendall's monster form passed by James and suddenly he was gone, wheelchair and all.

The beast ran to the next wall, making Kendall spin to face it again. This time Logan was staring back at him, but when the beast passed his friend, he too disappeared. The same situation happened again when the monster bounded to the next wall, capturing Carlos as well.

And then, Kendall's monster divided into four, and they separated until one was occupying each mirrored wall. Familiar green eyes stared back at him in all four reflections, the same green eyes that Kendall looked at every time he looked into a mirror. But instead of seeing himself, there was this monster before him, covered in the blood of his best friends.

Kendall dropped to his knees, James' words from earlier coming back to him: _It's all your fault_. The walls began closing in on him, his demons coming closer and closer to him. He was going to be suffocated by the beasts.

"No!" He screamed, lashing out with all of his might. His leg struck one of the mirrors, putting a crack in it and getting rid of the beast's image. Kendall struck another mirror with his fist, the same thing happening to that beast that happened to the first beast. He extended another leg, effectively getting rid of the third monster.

But the walls were still closing in on him, and now it was too late. Kendall had no time to defeat the fourth monster for it separated from the mirror and pounced on him, merging with his body. Kendall could feel it taking over, and then—

He woke up with a start, his labored breathing filling the quiet room. Soft rays of sunlight streamed through the window, indicating that it was the early hours of the morning. Glancing at the digital clock he and James kept in his room, Kendall noted it was a little after half past seven.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Kendall raised his hands to his eyes, trying to rub the sleep out of them. The nightmare he just had was one of the most vivid he'd ever experienced, and although he knew it was a dream the entire time, there were parts that felt so real that all Kendall wanted to do in the moment was cry.

But he wouldn't cry. It was just a dream. It wasn't real, and it didn't mean anything. Still, he knew that he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. Kicking off his covers, Kendall quietly got out of bed, trying not to disturb a sleeping James. He peeled off his sweaty shirt and disposed of it on the floor, grabbing a fresh one from his drawer and then quietly opening the door, shutting it behind him softly.

The sound of rustling in the kitchen let Kendall know he wasn't the only one awake. Padding through the small hallway, he arrived in the main area of their apartment, running a hand through his hair and yawning softly, spotting his mother in the kitchen.

His yawn gave him away because his mother turned around then, acknowledging his presence. She nearly ran over to him with a big smile on her face, her arms extended. Kendall barely had time to blink before his mother was enveloping him in a bone-crushing hug, nearly squeezing the life out of him.

"Happy birthday!" She exclaimed softly, trying to keep her voice down because of the sleeping residents in their apartment. She pulled back and examined him closely, searching his tired face. "Finally seventeen! Though it's a little early to be up on your birthday, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Kendall said softly. "I guess I was just too excited to sleep."

Oh, right. It was his birthday.

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**OMWGNOTE:** I'm going to go see Glee in concert. I shall be breathing the same air as Darren Criss. Secretly I hope he bursts out into songs from A Very Potter Musical.

Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of the nominations and votes in the 2011 BTR Fanfic Awards. Nine out of eleven stories of mine were nominated and five won and is this real life. IS THIS REAL LIFE. THANK YOU. I don't even care that this story didn't win just THANK YOUUU

On another note…I truly hope you paid attention to this chapter.


	13. Surprise

**OMWGNOTE: **Sorry sorry sorry again for the long period without an update but next week I have it off so I'm going to do an updating spree and C27 is going to be uploaded on April 25th so there happy birthday David haha. Anyway I'm excited to get to C17 because that's where the real angst begins.

Oh. You thought all 12 chapters before this was angst? Haha, very funny.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews, though there was a definite drop in numbers. KENDALL'S BIRTHDAY WOO!

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"_I'm just a face for every picture, a smile for your scrapbooks and a story to be told." –This Is How We Do, All Time Low_

Kendall had been awake for thirty minutes at most, laying face down on the couch. He wished that he could go back to sleep, for sleep was pulling at his eyes, but the terrifying nightmare he had experienced kept his eyes stubbornly open. Every time he let them fall shut for longer than a moment, the image of James bursting into flames or Logan withering in pain or even Carlos' fists clenching and unclenching would work their way to the front of his mind and cause his eyes to snap open.

But none of those images, despite how horrible they were in their own ways, could compare to the image of Kendall himself as a murderous beast. Morphing into the monster in the mirror has easily been the most confusing and terrifying part of his dream. Although he knew it wasn't real and he shouldn't be dwelling on it, Kendall couldn't help the feeling of uneasiness that washed over him every time the image of the beast popped into his mind. And once it did, he felt the urge to wash his hands, scrub them free of the blood that coated them.

No matter how hard he tried to clear his mind he couldn't seem to get back to sleep. He could only hope he wouldn't be faced with the same problem tonight.

Before his tired mind could fully register what was happening, a small body plopped on top of his back, like he was the comfiest seat in the world.

"Happy birthday, big brother," Katie said happily from his back, making no indication that she was going to move off her brother any time soon. Kendall groaned in response, his reply muffled by the pillow.

"Whatever," Katie said, deciding that Kendall was boring and getting off of him in search of someone who was worth paying attention to. "Hi, James." Kendall heard his little sister address his best friend, but even that didn't give him the energy to sit up.

Luckily he didn't have to. James bid Katie a good morning and wheeled over to where Kendall was laying, and if James was being honest his best friend looked dead. Reminded of his horrible nightmare, he shook the thought out of his head and put on a smile. "Happy birthday," He said cheerily, patting Kendall on the back.

Kendall mumbled something in response but his voice was muffled by the couch cushion. James only laughed at his friend and instead of making an attempt to talk to him, he rolled away to find something more interesting to do. Normally Kendall might be insulted that James didn't want to hang out with him on his birthday, but with the combination of his tiredness and how freaked out he was over his dream, it didn't really bother him.

"_Keeendall!"_

Upon hearing Carlos and Logan sing his name from the top of the stairs Kendall's eyes snapped open and he shot straight up. He knew that when Carlos and Logan were together, anything they did wouldn't be good. Especially since for his sixteenth birthday they took the birthday cake his mother had made for him and made sure it had gotten all over his face.

Yeah, Kendall had learned to be cautious around Logan and Carlos. But that didn't change the fact that when put together, Logan and Carlos were hardly ever careful.

Kendall watched as his two friends hurried down the stairs, Carlos in front and holding something behind his back. Carlos was obviously quicker than Logan due to the fact that Logan was crippled and he wasn't, but Logan was showing remarkable speed for someone who had their leg in a brace. In fact, Logan seemed to be going dangerously fast down the stairs with his condition, acting like he wasn't crippled at all.

Of course, this would come back to bite Logan in the butt. He wasn't being careful of where he was stepping so it was no surprise when he lost his footing, falling on his backside. To his relief his butt seemed to take most of the fall, and his left leg bent under his body but it was alright as long as his right leg was protected.

He continued to slide down the stairs unceremoniously, and he was certain that the leg folded under him would have several bruises by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs. He could feel everyone's eyes on him as he fell and his cheeks flushed in embarrassment because he never liked to be the center of attention, especially when he was making a fool out of himself.

Finally he stopped sliding a few steps from the bottom and he straightened his leg out, wincing at the pain. "Ow," He said, laughing afterwards to let everyone know that he wasn't hurt badly. However, the fact that his bad knee was jostled while he fell down the stairs caused the dull, burning ache that was constantly there to flare a bit, but for the sake of drawing less attention to himself, he decided not to mention it.

Carlos was the first one to break the silence, laughing loudly at Logan's predicament. "Klutz," He said, still laughing and now pointing at Logan. He reached out a hand to help his fallen friend up. "You okay, buddy?"

Logan shoved him playfully. "I'm fine," He said, trying to ignore the pain in his knee. "It could have been worse."

"You're right," Carlos said. "It would have been _much_ funnier if you had fallen on your face."

Mrs. Knight rolled her eyes. "Alright, break it up you two," She said, turning her back for a moment to give them a stern glare before going back to making pancakes.

"Fine," Carlos said. He turned his attention back to Kendall, who had moved from the couch at Logan's fall and was now standing next to James, who was eyeing Logan carefully. "Kendallia, Logie and I have a present for you!"

Kendall nodded. "Makes sense," He said. "It is my birthday."

"Oh yeah," Logan said. "We forgot! We need to sing to the birthday boy."

His friend got a mischievous glint in his eyes and Kendall immediately glared. "No, I refuse to let you sing that god forsak—"

Kendall was cut off by three voices bursting out into a chorus of 'Happy Birthday,' and his face heated with blush as he glared at the three of them. He could hear his mother and Katie join in from behind him and now all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. He absolutely hated his birthday. Of course he didn't mind the cake and the presents, but he hated the fact that all the attention was centered on him. It was embarrassing.

He cut them off in the middle of the last line. "Okay," He said irritably. "I get it. Happy birthday to me. Can we have food now?"

"Pancakes will be ready in five minutes, grumpy," Mrs. Knight said cheerfully, earning a glare that she ignored from her son.

"Logie and I have a present for you!" Kendall stopped glaring at his mother and turned back to Carlos, who was quite obviously hiding something behind his back. One of the only things Kendall _didn't_ hate about his birthday was presents. He was pretty shallow for it, but if the rest of the day was filled with humiliation and annoyance, Kendall figured he deserved gifts to make up for it.

He liked spending time with his friends, too. Even if they were annoying. At least he wasn't completely shallow.

Logan laughed. "And when Carlos says that we got you a present from the both of us, he means that he came up to me a week ago saying that he didn't have any money and to please let him share a present with me," He said, playfully punching his shorter friend in the arm.

"Whatever," Kendall said. "It's the thought that counts."

"Well lucky for you, we think like _geniuses,_" Carlos said. He pulled the present out from behind his back, revealing a DVD or video game case wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. "Happy birthday!" Carlos and Logan said simultaneously.

Kendall took the gift from Carlos' hands with an amused expression on his face. "Christmas is two months away," He said, gesturing to the paper covered in reindeer.

"More like a month and a half," Logan pointed out. "But I don't think that matters. Just open the present already!"

The blonde chuckled at his friend's antics and tore at the wrapping paper, revealing what seemed to be a hockey DVD. But upon closer inspection, he noted that the title read, _Best Plays of Minnesota Wild_ at the top. "You know me too well," He said, flipping it over and reading some of the information on the back. "Thanks."

"Told you it was genius!" Carlos said proudly. Kendall was about to respond before a thump on the back of his head brought his attention elsewhere.

"Ow," He said, but the chuckle afterwards told James that it only hurt for a moment. "May I ask why you hit me in the head with a hockey stick?" Kendall asked James.

James shrugged, holding out a sleek black hockey stick with a red bow attached. "Cause Carlos and Logan gave you your birthday present from them so I thought now would be a good time to give you mine," He explained. "And it's a hockey stick because last Christmas I broke the one Jo gave you with the elevator mistletoe incident." He visibly shuddered, obviously having an unpleasant reaction to the memory.

Kendall chuckled again. "Fine with me," He said. "Jo's cool and all, but she doesn't pick out hockey gear well. At least you know what you're doing."

"Well I do hope so," James said, laughing as well. "It'd be nice to know that all those years of hockey didn't go to waste."

Before Kendall could respond, Katie's voice rung out from the kitchen. "Okay, we get it, you guys play hockey," She said. "But there are pancakes and I won't hesitate to eat them all!"

"You know Kendall," Logan said, hobbling over to the kitchen table with his other friends. "I didn't know your little sister had such an appetite."

Katie walked up behind Logan and smacked him on the back of the head before reaching up and slipping a purple beanie over Kendall's head. He looked at her questioningly, and she responded with, "Oh come on. You have every color of the rainbow except for purple. Plus, Mom got you a purple plaid shirt to match."

"Did you really?" Kendall asked, looking up at his mother.

She nodded excitedly. "You need a birthday outfit!" She exclaimed. Kendall didn't _want_ a birthday outfit. A purple beanie and a purple plaid shirt certainly did add to his massive collection of beanies and plaid, and definitely added some variety, but he didn't want it to be assigned to him as an outfit designated for his birthday.

But Kendall bit back his remark in hopes of making his mother happy and finished his pancakes along with his friends. His mother gave him the plaid shirt and he thanked her, returning into his room for a moment to put on the shirt and a pair of jeans. When he emerged, he found his girlfriend talking to James by the door.

He stopped dead in his tracks. "But—" They both turned to look at him. "I was gone for two minutes," He looked back at his room, as if it would add emphasis to his statement. "How did you get here so quickly?"

"She knocked on the door the minute you went to get changed," James explained.

Jo smiled at him. "This is true," She said. She walked over to Kendall and leaned up, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Happy birthday!"

"What, is that all I get?" Kendall asked, smirking.

"Nope," She replied. "The rest of your present is in my apartment—"

"Use protection!" James called out from his relocated position at the couch, earning a fist bump from Logan for his comment.

Jo and Kendall blushed. "You know that's not what I meant, James!" She said to him, thankful that Mrs. Knight had retreated to her room to get ready for the day. However, Kendall was still looking at her skeptically, a certain glint in his eye. "Seriously, Kendall. That's not your present. I mean—you just—it was too big for me to carry over here! Let's go, pervert." She began to drag on his arm, pulling him out of the apartment.

"But I don't want to leave," He whined, Jo literally dragging him down the hall to her apartment. "I want to stay in my apartment, where people don't bombard me with birthday wishes and make me all embarrassed."

Jo turned back and smiled at him. "I like how the oh-so-brave Kendall Knight is afraid of nothing but his own birthday," She said, laughing as she finally reached her apartment door.

"I'm not _afraid_," He said as she opened the door, putting a hand over his eyes as she led him into the apartment. "I just don't like people saying happy birthday to me." She took her hand away from his eyes, but he was still ranting. "I mean, I hate being the center of attention and—oh my _god_."

She had had to grab his chin and turn his head away from her so that he looked at his present but when he did, his reaction was worth it. Sitting before him was an almost life-size stuffed Spiderman. _Spiderman_.

He turned back to Jo. "I—how did you know I loved Spiderman?" He asked, trying to refrain from jumping up and down and running to embrace his new favorite item ever.

"Three members of a certain boy band might have told me about your Spiderman pajamas," She said. Kendall made a mental note to kill James, Carlos and Logan later. "I do hope you've stopped having dirty thoughts about your present now."

Kendall shook his head. "Nope," He said. "The things I would do to this…"

"That's a little too much information," Jo said, cutting him off. "Especially in front of your girlfriend. I'll help you carry him back to the apartment as long as you don't cop a feel."

Kendall laughed again. "Alright, deal."

The Spiderman doll was pretty big and it did take Kendall and Jo at least ten minutes to get it out of her apartment and down the hall. As they opened the door to apartment 2J with much difficulty, Kendall wondered how Jo even got the toy into her apartment in the first place.

The lights were off when they opened the door, and he found that strange because they were only gone for twenty-five minutes and it probably would have taken a while for everyone to leave the apartment. He flicked the switch on, about to call out for his family and friends, when those exact people plus fifteen more jumped out from various hiding places and assaulted him with a chorus of, "Happy birthday!"

He stood there in shock for a moment, not knowing what to do. A _surprise_ party. He hated surprises and his birthday. He figured his family and friends would have known that. But still, he supposed that it was the thought that counted.

That didn't mean he wasn't quick to protest. "But—but there are no parties allowed at the Palm Woods!"

Bitters raised one of his hands, a bowl of chips in the other. "Making an exception just for today," He said, his mouth full.

Kelly rolled her eyes. "I paid him," She explained. "A lot."

"So you better appreciate it," Gustavo threatened.

"Okay, fine," Kendall said. "_Thanks_. There you go. Can I leave now?"

Carlos and Logan came out of nowhere, grabbing both of his arms and leading him to the table where James was lighting the candles on a Spiderman cake. "What's with the Spiderman theme?" Kendall asked. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Obviously you're not complaining, seeing as you have a fetish for Spiderman," James said. "Let's skip him the humiliation of singing the birthday song again and let him blow out the candles. We don't want him whining any more than he's already going to!"

Kendall glared at his friend but agreed with him, along with everyone else in the room. He leaned down and blew out the candles, not bothering to make a wish. As much as he hated to admit it, he had all that he wanted where he was, even if his friends could be annoying at times.

Logan was quick to pull out the candles after Kendall blew them out, tossing them aside and not really caring where they landed.

"I say the first piece goes to the birthday boy," Logan said cheerfully. "What do you think, Carlitos?"

Carlos smiled. "I couldn't agree more, Logie."

Kendall should have seen it coming. But he didn't, and that's why he was _extremely_ angry when his face met the cake for the second year in a row, thanks to a certain Carlos who slammed his face into it.

He straightened slowly, wiping the cake out of his eyes. "I'm going to _kill_ you two!" He said, turning on Logan and Carlos.

Logan held up a finger. "I'm a cripple!" He said. "You don't want to beat up a cripple. It makes you look like a jerk."

"Fine," Kendall said. "But I can still end Carlos' life."

Carlos gave Logan and James a scared expression. "I should probably run now, shouldn't I?" They both nodded in response to his question.

By the end of the party, no one had eaten the cake due to the fact that Kendall and Carlos were covered in it. But despite the fact that Mrs. Knight had yelled at them and told them to clean it up, Kendall couldn't deny that it was one of the best birthdays he had ever had.

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**OMWGNOTE: **Derp herp derp. Expect the next chapter in a few days. Again, sorry for the long ass time without an update.

Also I have no idea if Logan and Carlos' present to Kendall actually exists or Jo's for that matter, but I had to incorporate Kendall Knight's love of hockey and Kendall Schmidt's obsession with Spiderman.

Okay I'm going to bed now byeeee –heart-


	14. Reconnect

**OMWGNOTE**: The number of reviews has really been dropping, but that's okay. It did take me a while to update for the last two chapters and I know that they'll skyrocket soon with all of the angst.

Also, it will be a while until he gets to this chapter, but thank you Fish Stick Friday for all the wonderful and fantastic reviews you've been leaving me. I'm planning on replying to them soon. –heart-

Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to David because Monday was his birthday! Yay! I'm super late on getting this out but still, HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!

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"_And if I swear, swear to make it better, will you stick around? I know that it will never be the way it was, but maybe we could make this right." –Living Proof, The Downtown Fiction_

Kendall's birthday had really only been the only eventful thing to happen for all of October, and that was both good and bad. It was good because nothing horrible happened, like any mishaps with James or Logan. But it was also bad at the same time because it was incredibly boring.

It was Halloween night now, and James' birthday was exactly two weeks away. However, while his friends were all dressing up and planned to stroll around the Palm Woods, James decided to just stay in for the night. His friends had obviously protested to leaving him in the apartment all by himself, seeing as Mrs. Knight and Katie were participating in the complex-wide trick-or-treating, but he told them that they shouldn't give up a night of fun just because he wanted to stay in. After much convincing on his part, the guys finally left and he was given some alone time.

James absolutely hated lying but he found himself doing it more and more lately. He had always liked being the center of attention but he didn't like it when that attention was for something bad.

He had been feeling more and more depressed as the days wore on, and the façade he wore was wearing thin. From when he woke up to when he went to bed, it felt like his heart was sitting low in his chest, plagued by the only thing that seemed to be on his mind nowadays, which was the fact that he couldn't walk.

James didn't know why such bad things always had to happen to him. His mother had been diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia two months after the death of his grandmother, who had died on James' fifteenth birthday. James never realized how much he had appreciated his mother and everything she did until all she could do was stare at a wall all day and she couldn't do those things anymore.

It was a similar, if not the same, situation with losing his ability to walk. James never realized what a big part of his life walking was before he became paralyzed. It had obviously been a big part of his life since he was one or two and to have it ripped away from him in one foul swoop was still a change he was adapting to.

James had long ago accepted the fact that he very well might not be able to walk again. He was in no way happy with it, but he was certainly pretending like it didn't bother him. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his depression or anything, but he just didn't want to be a burden to anyone by revealing his feelings.

There was also the fact that he actually didn't like getting comfort from other people, or at least in the form of words. Sometimes when he was upset he liked to have someone just be there with him, because then he felt less alone. But usually when he needed comfort people would mess it up by telling him they were sorry.

He remembered the day he lost his mother perfectly. It was January 13th, and it was cold and snowy outside. He and Shane were walking home from the bus stop and were both excited to get inside. They knew that their father wouldn't be home because he was at work, but their mother had been taking several days off here and there from her job to try and deal with her depression.

James remembered how worried he was about his mother. She had become very distant since James' grandmother died two months before, and sometimes she would stare into space and it would take someone several minutes of calling her name before she responded to them. Part of James wished that she had gone to work that day so that she would at least be focused on her work. But James rarely got what he wished for and when he and Shane had approached the house that day, their mother's car in the driveway a telltale sign that she was home.

They entered through the front door after Shane unlocked it and toed off their shoes by the door. Their mother didn't like it when they tracked dirt through the house so it was a general rule that they had become accustomed to.

Upon entering the house, James called out his mother's name, but she didn't respond. He had tried again, but again was left with silence. He had exchanged a look with Shane and both boys set off to find their mother.

She was in the living room, spacing out again. Although it had been happening a lot lately, James still got a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach, like something bad was about to happen. It turned out he was right.

He and Shane weren't able to bring their mother back down to earth. Instead, she was going to be tapped in the depths of her own mind for the rest of her life.

It was just as bad as having her die. James remembered how upset he was, how he was stony and distant until his friends finally got him to crack. They kept saying they were sorry, and James blew up on them and screamed and yelled until eventually, he broke into tears. His friends had wrapped him in a tight hug and didn't say anything. _That_ was when he felt comforted. People saying they were sorry only made things worse.

And so James preferred to stay in tonight because he didn't want to be around people who would give him sympathy. The Palm Woods friends he used to have were all awkward around him now. Camille wouldn't talk to him or even look him in the eye, Tyler avoided him when trying to hide from his mother, and even Guitar Dude had been keeping his distance lately. James didn't like it one bit. He didn't understand how being paralyzed changed him as a person.

Sighing, James wandered out of his room into the living room, though it wasn't smooth sailing seeing as he yet again hit his wheel against the doorframe. He thought he would be getting better at maneuvering his wheelchair around and although he was for the most part, the same wheel always smacked against the doorframe time after time. It was beginning to get on James' nerves.

He didn't know what he was supposed to do for the entire night by himself. He would watch TV, but no good shows were going to be on due to the fact it was Halloween night and everyone else on the planet had plans but him.

James decided that, since he had nothing better to do and he was being lonely anyway, he would start playing video games. He and the guys loved their new gaming systems but the one that was never unplugged was their old Gamecube. Between Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan they had at least fifty classic games that the games nowadays couldn't compete with.

He popped in Super Smash Brothers Melee and went into single player mode, clicking on Adventure even though he had beat it what felt like thousands of times. Though it may seem tedious to some people, James would never get tired of the game. He chose his favorite character, who, although he would never admit it, was Princess Peach.

Around fifteen minutes into his rather intense gaming, there was a knock on the door. James paused the game and sat straight up in his chair, wondering who it could be. Part of him hoped it was one of his friends, coming back to hang out with him. But then he remembered that they probably would have already had the key, or would have known that the door was already open.

"Um," James called out. "It's open!" He still wasn't excellent at opening doors and often hit himself while doing so, so he wasn't going to go through the trouble of opening the door himself. However, he did set his controller down and wheeled towards the door to greet whoever knocked.

The door opened hesitantly and a certain brunette poked her head in, smiling softly when she spotted James. "Hey James," She said quietly. "Can I come in?" She asked, awkwardly standing half in and half out of the apartment.

James nodded. "Uh, sure," He said, running a hand through his hair. She smiled wider and entered the apartment fully, shutting the door behind her. "So what's up?" He asked.

If James was being honest, he didn't know why Camille was showing up after almost a month of not talking to him or sparing him a glance. He was hurt by all of his Palm Woods friends suddenly ignoring him but Camille's distance was one of the ones that hit him harder. He had always thought that he and Camille were kind of close and he sort of had expected her to stick with him. He was wrong, apparently.

"Can I sit down?" She asked, gesturing to one of the dining chairs and completely ignoring James' question. James nodded, resisting the urge to sigh. She took a seat and turned it towards James, and James wheeled up close enough to her so they could have a proper conversation.

He looked at his lap for a moment before looking back up, biting his lip. "No offense, Camille," He began. "But why are you here? You haven't talked to me in a month, let alone sent a glance in my way. Why would you come back now?"

Camille sighed. "I know," She said. "And I'm really sorry about that. But I saw the guys tonight and you weren't there and I asked where you were and they said you were still in the apartment. So I decided to come talk to you, which is what I should have been doing anyway."

"Well, why did you ignore me in the first place?" James asked. "There has to be a reason."

She nodded. "There is," She said. "It's probably not a good reason, but it's a reason. I don't like seeing you like this, James. Of all the people I know, there are four people that deserve this the least. And you're one of them."

He didn't know what to say. "Oh," He said lamely, running his hand through his hair again. "I—I really don't know what to say right now."

"You don't have to say anything," She said. "I really owed you an explanation as to why I've been ignoring you. I mean, you guys weren't the only ones affected by the accident that night. Where you and Logan got…hit by that car, it was only a block away from the Palm Woods. Most of us heard the sirens and you know how accidents are. People are drawn to them."

James nodded, signaling for Camille to continue. "A lot of us ran out there, despite the fact that it was pouring. James, I'm almost positive that you didn't see us. When we got there, Logan had already been taken away in the ambulance. But most of us saw you on the ground, and you were crying so hard and it was absolutely _terrifying_ seeing you in that much pain.

"I couldn't sleep that night," She said. "I called Kendall and told him to give me updates on you and Kendall. And, well, you know Kendall better than I do, so you obviously know that he sticks to his word. And you know, he called me pretty late and told me what was up with the both of you. I couldn't even believe it, James. I said it before and I'll say it again. You don't deserve this _at all_. No one does, but especially you."

"Well there's nothing I can do about it," James said quietly, not meeting her eye. "I've accepted that I'm probably never going to walk again. I'm fine with it." The last part was a lie, which was becoming a habit for James, but he couldn't help it. He still didn't like being a burden.

Unfortunately, Camille caught onto his lie and he could see her cross her arms in his peripheral vision. "You may have accepted it, James," She said. "But you and I both know that you aren't okay with it."

James opened his mouth to protest but then snapped it shut again. There was no use in lying if Camille was just going to call him on it again. "Okay, maybe I'm not okay with it," He said. "But I will be one day, Camille. Sure, it's hard now, but…it's going to get easier, right?"

Even though the question was rhetorical, James desperately wanted Camille know the answer it. He wanted to know if he was going to look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up every day for the rest of his life. He wanted to know if he could ever smile genuinely or not have to put up an act for his friends.

But Camille didn't have those answers for him, and James couldn't think of one person who did.

"I hope so," Camille said, snapping James out of his thoughts. "But from now on, I want you to know that I'm going to be here for you. So if you ever have problems you can't talk to the guys about or something, you can come to me. My door is always open, okay?" Without warning, she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight hug.

She pulled back, giving him a teary smile. "Thanks, Camille." He told her. "That means a lot to me." And it did, because it was good to know that Camille was still his friend. It was good to know that he wasn't totally different.

And it was good to know that he wasn't alone.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE**: Wow hi you can kill me for that ending there. Herp derp.


	15. Denied

**OMWGNOTE: **Guys, I'm really sorry for the long periods between updates. School has been hitting me really hard and the free time I have is spent drawing in an attempt to get rid of my stress, but that's really no excuse. Thank you to the (eight?) people who reviewed. I promise that this story and Inhuman are going to start being my priorities again, because I'm planning on cutting the next chapter (just adding it to this one, really) so that I can jump right to James' birthday after posting this. Yes, I know that things are sort of jumping around right now, but they'll be slowing down time wise over the next few chapters. I should have no problem getting the next fifteen or so chapters up because I've been writing a few of them for a while now.

I'm really going to try and get these updates out as quickly as I can, because I'm leaving the country on June 22nd and won't be able to update. I plan on sending Laura (Miss Fenway) pre-written chapters so that my stories won't go without updates while I'm gone. I don't plan on being done with Inhuman, but I hope to have Laura upload the last or some of the last few chapters of this story while I'm gone. Two new stories of mine will be posted on July 7th, one of which will be completely pre-written while the other has some serious progress. I'll probably still be finishing up Inhuman at that point, but if I get it going again like I want to, it should be wrapping up around that time anyway. Plus, it's summer so I will have time to write.

I'm so sorry that this author's note is so long but you guys deserved to know why this story isn't updated much anymore. Fortunately, my panic attacks have died down recently and the next few chapters should be easy to write. Thank you for giving time to review because I know that I don't have time to do the same to other stories too often and that makes me feel bad. Anyway, I'll be shutting up now. Thanks for reading this if you did.

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_"Figure it out, boy. You're tripping, so pull yourself together or you'll wash up like the rest. This ship is sinking, I'm thinking I'm done for. I'll watch as the sails disappear underwater, 'cause I'm no captain yet." –Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night), All Time Low_

Although James' mood had improved since Camille came back into his life, he still felt as though he was wearing a façade around everyone he knew. Camille's return seemed to provoke his other Palm Woods friends to talk to him, and he now was receiving the greetings from people like Tyler and Guitar Dude that he had been missing for the past month.

He should have been happy. His life had almost restored itself to the way it was before the accident. But it was the changes that stood out to James the most, and no matter how hard he tried, he wasn't able to put his mind past them.

Even though he had promised Kendall he would tell someone if he was feeling like this, he couldn't bring himself to do so. Sitting at the Palm Woods pool with all of his friends now, he could tell that they were finally getting over the accident. They were all cracking jokes and all seemed to be wearing genuine smiles. He wondered if they could tell the smile he was forcing was completely fake. He wanted one of them to notice but at the same time he didn't. James didn't want to rip his friends' happiness away from them, even if that meant he would silently suffer in the process.

Besides, James was determined he could fix this on his own. All he had to do was stop thinking about his paralysis every waking moment of the day. But it was easier said than done and James was torn between being worried about himself and not wanting to be a burden to his friends.

James was actually beginning to scare himself with his thoughts, and he hadn't yet realized the severity of the situation. For about a week he had been thinking morbidly. When his back was sore and he went to take his pain medication, he kept staring at his prescription bottle a little too long and wondering what would happen if he took all the pills instead of just one. He had been going up to the Palm Woods roof to think and kept thinking about the consequences of him just pushing himself out of his chair and over the edge of the building. Even looking at the pool now gave him the strong desire to just roll himself in and face the consequences.

But he knew that he couldn't do that. It would destroy his friends. Not only would they be torn up over his death, but they would feel like it was their fault, when, in reality, it would be his for not telling them about his depression.

James knew that he needed to go to _someone_ about this. It would only end up biting him in the butt if he didn't. But with the combination of not wanting to upset his friends and being almost unable to accept comfort from anyone, James found himself not knowing what to do.

It seemed that he was spacing out, for one of his friends brought it to his attention.

"Are you okay, James?" Carlos asked him. James blinked and then looked at his friend, who seemed to be the only one who noticed he was spacing out. Though at his words, Kendall and Logan stopped talking and turned to James as well.

_Tell them. Tell them. Tell the _—"Yeah, I'm fine," He said, smiling. "I was just spacing out."

Logan nodded. "You do look pretty tired," He said, fixing his doctor-like gaze on the bags under James' eyes. "Have you been sleeping well? Maybe you should go up to the apartment and take a nap."

"Yeah, I just don't think I got a good sleep last night," James said, which was actually true. His bad thoughts had kept him up for a good majority of the night. He was lucky that they had the day off from work that day. "I think taking a nap sounds like a good idea."

"Alright," Kendall told him. "Do you want us to go up there with you?"

James shook his head. "That's kind of pointless," He said. "I mean, I'm going to be sleeping. You guys can stay down here if you want."

Kendall shrugged. "If you're sure," He responded. "Have a nice nap, then. You won't have trouble getting into bed?"

"No," James lied. "If I do, I can always sleep on the couch. It's lower down than my bed is."

"Okay," Kendall said, waving to James. Carlos and Logan did the same and then the three of them resumed their conversation.

Sighing, James turned and headed back through the lobby, ignoring the stares of the people who weren't his friends. Although he had been paralyzed for over a month, those who didn't know him still tended to stare at him. It made James self-conscious at first, but now he was used to it so it didn't bother him as much.

As he was about to approach the elevator, the sound of his name being called out caused him to stop. Guitar Dude strode up to him, guitar on his back as usual. A smile was plastered on his face and his eyes were hidden by his signature pair of sunglasses. He waved when James noticed him, smiling even wider and stopping in front of his friend.

"Hey man," Guitar Dude said in his usual lethargic drawl, "Isn't your birthday today or something?"

James shook his head. "No," He said. "It's in a few days. Why?"

Guitar Dude shrugged and said, "Well I thought it was today, so I got you a present." He held out his hand and resting on his palm is a small stick-like item bearing the Dallas Cowboys star on it. Upon closer inspection, James saw that what Guitar Dude got him for his birthday was a _lighter_. A lighter for a football team that he's not even a fan of.

"Uh, Guitar Dude," James said, picking up the lighter from Guitar Dude's hand and turning it over in his fingers. "This is a lighter. I don't smoke. And I don't even watch football, so I don't know what made you think I was a Cowboys fan."

Even though James just practically shot down the idea of Guitar Dude's present, his friend smiled anyway. "I didn't know it was for the Cowboys, man," He said. "I just saw the star and thought of you because you always want to be famous, and they call famous people stars, you know? And I know you don't smoke, but I got you the lighter 'cause you told me about how your boss picked Kendall instead of you because you didn't have the fire or something. But now you have the fire!"

James couldn't deny that Guitar Dude's strange logic did make sense to him, or at least sort of. It was nice of Guitar Dude to get James a present in the first place, and maybe he could use the lighter to light candles or something.

"Oh," He said, closing his fingers around the lighter. "Well, thanks Guitar Dude. That was really, uh, thoughtful of you."

Guitar Dude nodded and smiled. "Any time, man," He responded. "Happy early birthday!"

"Yeah," James said, slipping the lighter into his pocket. "Thanks."

* * *

Now James was sitting alone in the room he shared with Kendall, clicking on almost every link that came up in his google search result and opening them in a new tab. He only clicked on articles that were fairly recent, the farthest back being something in late 2009.

He was again researching cures for paralysis, even though his results from last time didn't end very well. But he just couldn't take it anymore. He didn't like being depressed all the time. He didn't like lying to his friends. He wanted to be normal again, and he would be damned if he couldn't figure out a way to do that.

Some of his research resulted in websites telling him that sometimes paralysis reversed itself on its own, so long as the spinal cord was not completely broken. But the site also said that it could take days to months to _years _for a damaged spinal cord to repair itself, and while James knew that his spinal cord was damaged as opposed to being broken, he also knew that he wasn't going to be able to wait that long.

Instead, he directed his search towards stem cell research again, seeing as the last time he had researched it had been about a week and a half after the accident and there could be new information on it. His eyes skimmed through articles about rats recovering the ability to walk, and after closing several tabs and getting very frustrated with every one of his results, he stumbled on a page that gave him hope.

The title read something about stem cell research being morally wrong, making James thing it was a blog. He was about to click the back button before he saw the word, "Doctor."

It read, _"__Dr. Donald Leslie, medical director at the Shepherd Center in Atlanta, has high hopes [for fixing paralysis]._

'_We want to cure paralysis,' He said. 'We want to stop spinal cord injury. How incredible would that be?'_

_Leslie's mission has begun with T.J. Atchinson, the first step in research that he believes could lead to many steps for those who were told they would never walk again. Atchinson, 21, was the first human with a spinal cord injury to undergo embryonic stem cell therapy."_

James felt himself smiling a genuine smile for the first time in what felt like weeks. He didn't even bother reading the rest of the post, which was against what he found so incredible and amazing. This surgery could give him the opportunity to walk again. He could _walk_ again.

He could barely even describe what he was feeling at the moment. It was a sort of hope and elation that he hadn't felt in months, and it was good to feel that way again. He imagined feeling his legs again and being able to walk and being honest with his friends and that was a wonderful feeling.

Apparently James had lost track of time while researching because before he could even comprehend it, Mrs. Knight was calling him into dinner. Biting his lip to hide his over-eager smile, James shut his iPod and wheeled himself out of the room, his right wheel catching the doorframe as it always did. It didn't really surprise him at this point, and instead of getting angry like he normally would, now nothing could put a damper on his good mood.

When he got to the kitchen Katie, Kendall, Carlos and Logan all entered through the apartment door, obviously all just coming up from the pool. James assumed that Mrs. Knight had sent Katie down to get his friends as he wheeled up to the empty spot at the table that was meant for him.

Dinner started with small talk about what everyone did that day in between bites of that night's meal. James wasn't really paying attention, because his mind was mostly focused on the excitement over his research. Were he not paralyzed, his leg would be bouncing up and down with this excited. He only focused his attention on Mrs. Knight when she called his name.

"So James," She said, smiling as always. "Your birthday is in a few days and you haven't given anyone an idea of what you might want."

This was his chance. "Well," He said, pausing for a moment to swallow what he was chewing. "I did some research today—"

"James, I don't care how much research you've done," Kendall said. "I really don't think you should try out 'Cuda man spray again."

"I didn't research that," James said, trying to keep all traces of annoyance out of his voice and expression. "I researched something different."

Logan seemed interested about this, seeing as the only time James researched something was if it was for school or related to his appearance. "Then what did you research?" He asked.

James took a deep breath. "There's this surgery using stem cells," He said quickly. "And it's not like I know the procedure or anything, but I know that it's reversed paralysis in rats and this guy who's 21 was the first human to have the surgery, and so what I want for my birthday is to get this because if it can reverse my paralysis then I'm all for it."

It was silent for a few moments, but to James, it was unbearably loud. He tried to gauge the other's reactions by reading their faces but the table seemed to be divided between looking confused and being emotionless, which scared James.

Finally, Logan broke the silence. "James," He said in a tone that James knew was his lecturing one, "I don't think you did enough research on this. Did you find out what happened to the guy who got the surgery?"

"Well—" Everyone at the table was looking at him expectantly. "No, but—"

"So you don't even know if his paralysis was reversed?" Logan asked.

James shook his head. "No, it didn't say—"

"So you don't even know if this works," Logan stated. "You don't know the risks of this procedure. You don't know whether or not you'll live through the surgery, or if you'll be altered in ways beyond repair—James, you don't even know if you're _qualified_."

James rolled his eyes, but he was growing more worried with each passing second. "Well that's what doctors are for!" He exclaimed. "When I go in to get the surgery—"

"James," This time it was Mrs. Knight who cut in. "Honey, Logan has a point. If you've only found evidence of one human undergoing the surgery and you don't even have the results of what happened to that person, I don't think this is a practical idea for a present."

That was when James lost it. "How is it not practical?" He demanded, looking between Logan and Mrs. Knight. "This is a surgery that can return my life to normal! Why wouldn't I jump on that chance? Why would you even question that?"

"Because we hardly know anything about this surgery, James," Logan retaliated. "Maybe it reversed paralysis on rats, but last time I checked, rats and humans are two different things. You have no idea what this could do to you."

James gave up on Logan and shot a desperate look at Mrs. Knight, who looked away before answering, "James, I agree with Logan. This is too risky and I'm not letting you do it."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He thought that they were going to be happy for him and jump on the band wagon with him, but it looked like he was horribly wrong. He tried looking at Kendall and Carlos to see if they would agree with him, but the way that both of them averted their gazes from him told him all that he needed to know.

He looked down at his half-eaten dinner and asked, "May I be excused?" Without waiting for an answer, James wheeled away from the table and retreated back into his room with his jaw clenched. Once inside, he made sure to slam the door as best as he could.

James grabbed his cell phone from off the dresser and dialed his home phone number, praying that it was his dad and not Shane who would pick up. Luckily, his prayers were answered for the first time that night because after the second ring, his father's voice rang out over the receiver.

"Dad?" James said tentatively. "Dad, I need to talk to you."

"About what?" His father asked.

James took a deep breath before saying, "My birthday present."

Obviously his father wasn't expecting it to be such big news because James could hear the smile in his voice as he responded. "Did you finally decide what you wanted?"

"Yeah," James responded. "I did. But uh, no one here is too happy about it, which is why I have to ask you."

He heard his father sigh on the other line. "James," He said, "You know I don't like to hear that. If Emily doesn't approve of it—hell, if Kendall, Carlos, and Logan don't approve of it, I'm not sure I want to know what you have in mind."

For a reason unknown to him, James felt tears spring to his eyes. A lump was forming in his throat as he said, "Please, just hear out."

Kurt sighed again. "Alright. Shoot."

"There's this surgery," James said. "And I did a bit of research on it—it uses stem cells. And they injected some of the cells into paralyzed rats and then the rats could walk again. And now they're doing it on humans, and this 21 year old was the first guy to get it, and I want to get it, too."

There was silence on the other line for a moment and James was afraid of getting shot down again. "This guy that you're talking about," Kurt began. "Was he able to walk again after he got the surgery?"

"Uhm," James said. "I don't know. The website I looked on didn't say. I can google his name or something if you want—"

His father interrupted him. "James, I'm not so sure about this," He said, and James' heart dropped into his stomach. "This whole thing seems pretty vague to me—I mean, you don't know the side effects or what health you have to be in or even if it works."

"But Dad—"

"Until you get more information," Kurt said, interrupting his son again. "My answer is no. I'm sorry, James."

But now James laughed at him. "Yeah, okay," He said bitterly. "You're sorry. You're also not the one paralyzed!" Without letting his father get another word in, James hung up the phone and nearly slammed it on the desk next to him after turning it off.

Anger was boiling in his veins as he rested his chin on his arms, supporting his weight on the desk in front of him. He had been so excited when he found out the information on the surgery and thought everyone would be on board with him. But he was horribly, horribly wrong and that was making him angry. Didn't they want him to walk again? Didn't they want him to be happy?

Apparently not. Before he could stop them, hot tears were streaming down his cheeks and wetting the sleeves of his shirt but he paid no mind to it. He could hear the land line ringing throughout the apartment and although he knew it was probably his father calling to yell at him for hanging up on him, James made no move to answer the phone.

It turned out that he was right. Around a minute after the ringing stopped, Mrs. Knight knocked on his door and opened it without waiting for his answer. She held out the phone for him to take and told him, "It's your father."

James nodded and took the phone from her, still not meeting her eyes. However, he could feel her gaze on him and knew that she was looking at the tears drying on his face. He lifted the phone to his ear right when she left.

"What?" He asked, sounding like a whining child.

Kurt seemed to think the same. "Just because you don't get what you want doesn't mean you get to hang up on me," He scolded. "I'm not going to talk about this right now. Shane has two days left of school and a four day weekend. When we get to California you and I will discuss this, alright?"

"Fine," James said. "Can I go now?"

"Yes," Kurt responded. "Bye, James. I'll see you in a few days."

James didn't even bother saying anything back before hanging up the phone and setting it down next to him. He didn't think it was possible, but he felt more depressed than he ever had now. He had the opportunity to walk him down and everyone who he loved shot that idea down. It was almost like they didn't want him to be happy anymore.

And if that's what they wanted, well, James would have no problem filling their desires, because he didn't think he _could_ be happy again now.

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**OMWGNOTE: **I'm not even going to say sorry for the long period of no update again, buttttt I will have you know that the next chapter is coming later tonight, and it's where things start to get bad. Please review if you can.


	16. Seventeen

**OMWGNOTE: **In the last author's note at the end of C15 I forgot to tell you guys that I saw Big Time Rush in concert and it was amazing and I loved every minute of it. Also, I don't know if you've seen the speedo pictures yet, but uh, if you have, I'm glad you survived.

Well. I honestly don't know what to say about this chapter. I can say that it was written back in August along with the first chapter and the original draft of C5. I just want to say that this is incredibly angsty and I have an angst overdose just reading it over again. Read on.

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"_I'm stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second hand pick-me-up and I'm over getting older. If I could just find the time, then I would never let another day go by. I'm over getting old." –Weightless, All Time Low_

James was feeling more depressed than ever in the course of the few days until his birthday, and it was obviously due to the aftermath of everyone denying him what he really wanted. The suicidal thoughts were occurring more often and with more intensity, and even seeing his brother and father after they flew in from Minnesota didn't take them away.

He was just extremely tired right now, both emotionally and physically. He had been rudely awoken that morning by Carlos practically jumping on him, and then when he was finally awake, he was assaulted by everyone in his room singing happy birthday to him. His friends could carry a tune and even harmonized, but he couldn't say the same for the rest of his family.

He wouldn't have been able to sleep after that, even if his family and friends _hadn't_ insisted that he get his butt out of bed. Today was the day he turned seventeen, and he was the last of his friends to do so. He was supposed to be all happy and excited, but with the combination of him knowing he wouldn't get what he wanted and it being the two year anniversary of his grandmother's death, the only thing he was looking forward to was this day being over.

James had been sent out of the house at ten with Kendall, the latter apparently having an entire list of fun things for them to do without the others. James played along with it, but he also sort of knew that Kendall was just assisting in getting him out of the house so that everyone could set up a surprise party for him. Kendall was doing exactly what Jo did for Kendall's birthday and James was smart enough to see that. He would have to put on yet another show for everyone and pretend like he was surprised and happy when he was greeted with his party going back to 2J.

They didn't really do anything super fun for the entire day, but they did stay out until five, and that was a _long_ time. They got breakfast and then Kendall took James to the farthest mall he could think of, giving him a spending limit and buying James whatever he wanted. After spending a few hours going store through store and only ending up with a few shirts and a new video games, Kendall and James got lunch and ice cream afterwards.

They ended up doing a little more shopping and then hit up an arcade that was inside of the mall, playing for at least two hours. By the time three o'clock rolled around, Kendall deemed it necessary to leave, seeing as the mall he chose was an hour away from the Palm Woods. He helped James into the front seat and folded his wheelchair and put it in the back before beginning the drive back to their home.

"So how is your birthday so far?" Kendall asked as he pulled onto the highway, a smug grin on his face. If it wasn't obvious that he was getting a surprise party before, it was really obvious to James now. Kendall always had that stupid smug on his face when he knew something someone else didn't.

James shrugged. "It could be better," He said. "I mean, I have been stuck with _you_ all day."

"You can wa—" Kendall stopped himself, biting his tongue at his stupid almost-mistake. He prayed that James wouldn't notice. "You can find your own way home, buddy. I can pull over at any time, you know."

"You wouldn't," James said, smirking. "That would ruin the _surprise_."

Kendall bit his lip. "What surprise?" He asked. "There's no surprise."

"So you're telling me," James said, laughing. "That it's a coincidence that you and I have been out of the apartment for hours on end and that you, Logan, and Carlos all had surprise birthday parties for your seventeenth birthdays?"

"Mhmm," Kendall said, getting off an exit. "Total coincky-dink."

"Kendall Donald Knight, you are a dirty, dirty liar," James told him, crossing his arms over his chest.

"And last time I checked, you are not my mother," Kendall retaliated. As he pulled off the final exit that would take them to the Palm Woods, he turned and gave James a serious face. "Just act surprised, okay? They're all totally convinced that this will be a _real_ surprise to you. Well, maybe except for Katie, but she's skeptical of everything, so I don't think she really counts."

"True," James said. "But I already had suspicion this morning and was planning on acting surprised anyway, so I beat you there."

"You are a competitive little fuc—"

"Woah there, buddy," James interrupted as Kendall pulled into the parking lot of the Palm Woods. "No need to swear, bro."

Kendall rolled his eyes, mumbling a quick, "Whatever," before parking the car and hopping out of the driver's seat. He moved to the back of the car and grabbed James' wheelchair, unfolding it without the normal care he would have. A smile eased his way onto his face as he remembered James' birthday present from him and the guys—James wouldn't need this crappy, already-falling-apart wheelchair after tonight.

He moved the wheelchair to James' door and then opened it and helped his friend in. With all of the lifting Kendall had to do recently, since he was apparently the only one big enough to do so, he was getting pretty strong and James was practically light in his arms now.

"Remember," Kendall said as he began to wheel James through the lobby. Normally, James would protest to his friend pushing him around, but his hands had really been hurting lately and besides, it was his birthday. He deserved to be carted around. "Act surprised when we get there." Kendall hit the button for the elevator and then waited for it to arrive.

The entire way back to the apartment, James was practicing his best surprised faces. When Kendall stopped at the door to pull out his keys and moved around James to the door handle, he saw one of James' surprised faces and chuckled before thumping James in the back of the head.

"Excuse me," James whispered fiercely as Kendall stuck his key in the lock. "But birthday boys don't get to be thumped in the head! That's against the birthday rules!"

"Birthday rules," Kendall mumbled to himself as he opened the door and pushed James inside the dark apartment. "There are no such things as birthday rules—" He flicked the light on and all was still.

"Oh," James said, looking around the apartment. It wasn't even decorated, which was _weird_, considering this was a surprise party and all. "Well then, that's cool. Now I'm stuck alone with you even longer."

Kendall glared at him. "James Diamond, you are _rude_."

"At least I have normal eyebrows," James sang, earning another glare and a thump on the head from Kendall.

"I declare this domestic abuse. _Domestic abuuuu_—"

Suddenly Mrs. Knight, Katie, Logan, Carlos, Shane, and his father all seemed to materialize around him and all yelled, "Happy birthday!" at the same time. James screamed and put a hand to his chest, as if it would help him recover from the minor heart attack he was sure just occurred. He could feel his heart pulsing madly under his palm and knew that he wouldn't have to use those faces he had been practicing in the hallway because he actually _had_ been surprised.

"I hate," James said between breaths. "You all. Especially_ you_." He turned to give a glare at Kendall, who was nearly doubled over with his laughter.

"Would you feel better if we let you open your presents now?" Mrs. Knight asked him.

James nodded, smiling. He felt a small flicker of hope within him, even though he knew that what he was hoping to receive was completely farfetched. "I do enjoy the prospect of presents," He said casually, smiling even wider.

Surprisingly, this day as bad as he thought it was going to be. He hadn't had any horribly depressing thoughts since that morning and he was getting close to being genuinely happy.

"Who's present should he open first?" Mr. Diamond asked, but before anyone else could respond, Carlos cut in.

"_Obviously ours_!" He screamed, practically shoving everyone out of the way to get to the back of James' chair. He began running, obviously pushing James with him.

"Woah!" James exclaimed. "Carlos, slow down!" Everyone else watched as they disappeared down the hallway. "Seriously, Carlos! We're going to crash into somethi—I'm legitimately afraid for my life!" A loud crash sounded and James shouted again. "Dude, I just turned seventeen! I'd like to live a lot longer than this!"

Kendall and Logan took this as their cue to go to Carlos and James. Everyone else knew not to follow them because they were given strict orders by the boys to not be there when James received his present. Of course they all knew what it was, but if the boys wanted to give James his present alone, they knew better than to deny the three hockey players their wish.

When Logan and Kendall found James and Carlos in the hallway, James' right front wheel was rammed into the doorframe of his and Kendall's room and Carlos standing sheepishly beside him. The two boys laughed at their friends antics and Kendall righted James so that he was ready to enter the room.

"Close your eyes, James," Logan said excitedly. "You have to be surprised."

The smile made its way back onto James face and he nodded, closing his eyes. He felt himself being pushed into the room and then his vision behind his eyelids got a little red, signifying that the light in the room had been turned on.

"Okay, James," Logan said after he heard his friends moving around for a few seconds. "You can open your eyes now."

And so he did, finding his friends all standing around his present with huge grins on their faces.

When he saw what the present was, James felt the smile drop from his face immediately.

Sitting in front of him was a brand new wheelchair. It looked really nice; the wheels had a nice design, and it had accents of green, his favorite color. It was sleek and new and looked like it would maneuver a lot easier than his current wheelchair. It also looked studier, unlike the one he had now that was on the brink of falling apart. He liked it, he really did. It must have cost his friends a fortune, a wheelchair as nice as that, but James still found himself frowning.

He had been asking for something completely the opposite, and his friends turned around and provided him with this. It had to be a joke.

"I—" James began, but he had to pause because he truly couldn't find words. Finally, he blurted, "Is this a joke?"

Each of their wide grins lost their intensity. "Um," Kendall said. "No, it's not a joke."

"Oh," He finally let out, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. But it was still very apparent, and it didn't help that James was staring at the present in disgust. "This is—well, this is…unexpected." And it was, in a way. Of course his friends weren't going to give him stem cell treatment for his birthday. They had made it clear several times that the procedure was far too risky and that he didn't have enough information on it. But James still had that shred of hope, even though he knew it would be crushed.

But he didn't expect them to be so _stupid_.

Upon seeing James' reaction, the three boys felt their grins fade completely, twisting into looks of confusion.

"You don't like it."

It wasn't a question. Carlos stated this with hurt and confusion in his eyes and James immediately felt bad.

He shook his head. "No," He said, rolling up closer to the wheelchair to study it. "I do. It's just—you know. I asked for stem cell and then I get something that reminds me I can't walk." He tried to keep the bitterness out of his tone but failed miserably.

Logan shook his head. "James," He began. "You can't keep dwelling on the stem cell treatment. Carlos, Kendall and I put a _lot_ of money into getting you this wheelchair because we knew it was something you would use every day."

James laughed bitterly. "Exactly my point," He said. "I don't want to use that every day. I want to walk again. I don't want to be stuck in a stupid chair for the rest of my life."

"You know what, James?" Judging by the tone of voice he was using, James could tell that Kendall wasn't very pleased with him, and it wasn't the fake disappointment that he had been using earlier in the day. James could tell that everything Kendall was feeling now was _real_. "Logan wasn't lying when he said that we put a lot of money into this wheelchair for you, and quite frankly, you're being pretty ungrateful about it."

"Ungrateful?" James laughed without humor. He was becoming angry now. "You think I should be grateful that you bought me a wheelchair? That's like asking me to be grateful that I'm paralyzed! Do you really think that I should be _grateful_ that I'm depressed all the time? Do you think I should be thankful for the fact that I can't go a day without having these—these depressing and disturbing thoughts?"

The color drained from his three friends' faces. "What?" Logan shakily demanded after several moments of silence, the words sounding choked. "You—what thoughts?"

"I just," James whispered, the anger fading but still present. "I keep having bad thoughts. Like, you know. Like how I want to kill myself sometimes, stuff like that."

The tears started to fall before Carlos could stop them. "But why? Why would you want to do that?"

James shook his head. "You wouldn't understand," He said.

"James, if you told us, maybe we would."

Kendall's words were encouraging, but they only made James' anger flare up again. "But that's the thing, Kendall," He said, annoyance laced in his voice. "You wouldn't understand. You _can't_ understand. You don't know what it's like to not be able to move your legs. You don't need help to get dressed or go to the bathroom or bathe. You don't have to have a special microphone in Rocque Records just so you can sing." James knew he was ranting now, but he couldn't stop. Part of him was glad that his friends had taken him into another room to give him his present. He didn't want anyone else to see him like this.

"Tell me, Kendall. Enlighten me," James continued. "Do you ever look at a bottle of pills and wonder what it would be like if you took more than the recommended dose? Do you ever look at the pool and think about just rolling in and sinking to the bottom? Do you ever look at your pillow and think about smothering yourself? Look at a razor and think about slitting your wrists?"

James had a thousand more ideas, but Logan's voice silenced them. "Stop," He begged, tears in his eyes. "Please, just stop."

He knew that what he was going to say next was out of line, but he couldn't stop the words. "You know, back in the hospital I told you that I was glad you had saved me," James said, staring at Logan. "And I think you're a good person for risking your life like you did. But Kendall was right, Logan. I am ungrateful. I wish you had never saved me that day. I wish that car had killed me then, because being dead would be better than being like this."

James turned away then, not looking back as he maneuvered his way out of the room. As always, his front wheel hit the doorframe. Not that he expected anything less.

Logan couldn't speak. James had stolen that ability from him. It was like his friend's words had turned into blades, hurtling at Logan and not leaving one part of him unscathed. He felt like a horrible friend. It _was_ his fault that James was paralyzed. He backed up and sunk onto Kendall's bed, staring unseeingly ahead as James' words played through his head.

"_Being dead would be better than being like this._"

When James appeared and immediately made a beeline for the door, Mrs. Knight spoke up. "James, honey, where are you going?" She was hopelessly confused; he looked emotionally drained. It was his seventeenth birthday, for crying out loud, and she thought he would be excited about the present he had just recieved. He was supposed to be happy, not looking like he just had all of the happiness sucked out of him.

"For a walk—" He cut himself off, realizing he couldn't say that without lying. He didn't have the ability to walk. "I mean, for a roll," He mended angrily. "I'm going for a roll."

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**OMWGNOTE: **When did my heart go missing? I think it was around the time I posted this story. If any of you happen to find my heart, please give it back to me? Thanks.


	17. Anger

**OMWGNOTE: **Someone should take angst away from me.

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"_Every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass, and I will keep you company on those days so long and black." –Bowl of Oranges, Bright Eyes_

After James made his exit, all was eerily quiet for one moment. Kendall and Carlos could only stand there dumbstruck as they heard the front door shut a little harder than necessary from the other room. Kendall risked a glance at Logan, whose eyes were shining with tears. His best friend seemed to be dead to the world and he looked utterly dejected.

Kendall felt anger swell in his chest before he even knew what was happening. He hated seeing anyone of his friends get hurt, and he never hesitated to beat someone up for causing his friends to feel pain. But Logan was upset because _James_ had been mean to him. James, their fellow friend. Kendall had never expected an attack within the walls of their four-way friendship, but seeing as that was now the case, his blood boiled.

Kendall could handle someone attacking from the outside. Sure, they didn't know his friends as well as he did and had no right to be mean to them, but the fact that James was their best friend and _knew_ that Logan was already feeling guilty about James being paralyzed made the blow James delivered ten times worse.

He exchanged a small glance with Carlos, silently telling him to take care of Logan, before storming out of the room after James, intent on giving his so-called best friend a piece of his mind.

Carlos watched as his friend left without a word, and then turned to his other friend. Logan was sitting on the bed, his bad leg outstretched and his eyebrows furrowed. Carlos could tell his friend was trying to keep the tears at bay but it wasn't working because a few were rolling down his cheeks at a slow and steady pace.

"Logie?" Carlos asked, kneeling down next to his friend. He wasn't exactly eye level with Logan but he wanted to be as close to him as possible. But Logan didn't respond to him, still staring unseeingly ahead. Carlos placed his hand on Logan's shoulder and gently shook him, repeating his name again.

"Logan," He said again. "Logan, answer me." But Logan still didn't respond to him, or at least Carlos's questions. The tears that Logan was desperately trying to keep at bay began falling down his cheeks, and his mask void of emotion twisted as he began to cry.

Carlos' heart broke in two at the sight of Logan crying. He hadn't seen his best friend cry since the night of the accident, and that had been two months before. But Logan was shaking with sobs now, and it was exactly like that night all over again. But before it had been an accident that brought Logan to tears. Carlos was sure that what James said wasn't an accident.

Part of Carlos wanted to feel bad for James. It was obvious that he was depressed and upset about everything that had happened. In hindsight, it probably wasn't as good as an idea as they had thought it was to get him a wheelchair for his birthday. But what prevented Carlos from feeling bad for James was the fact that he only said those things to Logan to make someone else hurt besides him, and the sobbing boy in front of him didn't deserve any of that.

He brought Logan into his arms, to which Logan responded by wrapping his arms tightly around Carlos' neck. Logan was clinging so tightly to Carlos that the height difference caused Logan to be literally dragged off of the bed, landing on the floor next to Carlos. But instead of being fazed by the movement, he only buried his head into Carlos' shoulder as he continued to cry.

"I ruined his life," Logan choked out, and Carlos could barely understand the words between his friend's sobs. He ran a smoothing hand up and down Logan's shaking back, trying to soothe him to no avail.

He shook his head, unsure if Logan could feel the movement or not. "No you didn't, Logie," He said softly. "James didn't mean anything he said. He was just upset."

Now it was Logan who was shaking his head, the movement erratic against Carlos' shoulder. "No," Logan sobbed. "He meant e-everything he said," His voice broke on the last word. "I-if I hadn't saved him, he would be dead, but at least he would be h-happy."

If Carlos' heart had broken before, he was sure it was in pieces by now.

"You're wrong, Logie," He pulled Logan impossibly closer to him, burying his own face into Logan's shaking shoulder. "He loves you. We all love you. He didn't mean what he said, okay? He loves you." He was repeating himself, he knew, but Carlos felt like repetition was the only way Logan would believe him.

But no matter how true his words were, they were just another failed attempt to calm Logan. His best friend continued to cry into his shoulder, soaking his shirt with tears, but Carlos didn't care.

At some point he began to ignore Logan's constant chant that he ruined James' life. Although he knew it wasn't true, Carlos didn't even bother to tell Logan otherwise. All he could feel now was the anger building up in his chest, flowing hot through his veins and consuming every other emotion he could have possibly felt. Logan was wrong, he repeated in his head. Logan was dead wrong. He hadn't ruined James' life. In fact, Carlos believed it to be the other way around.

James had ruined Logan's life. The sobbing boy in his arms was the only evidence he needed.

Carlos had never hated one of his best friends before, not really, anyway. But the feelings he felt towards James were feelings he shouldn't have for his friends. They were feelings he would have for an enemy.

And as he held an inconsolable Logan in his arms, going on and on about how much he hated himself, Carlos didn't even feel bad about his realization.

* * *

"_Take me home, I'd rather die than be with you. Take me home, you have a problem with the truth. Take me home, because this happens every time and I knew it would. I knew it would." –If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask, Mayday Parade_

Kendall stormed out of the apartment after James, knowing exactly where his friend was headed. They all went to the same place when they needed to cool off, and that was the roof of the Palm Woods. Back in Minnesota, they would sometimes camp out on Kendall's roof when it wasn't below freezing, just enjoying the night air. Fresh air was something that almost always calmed them all down, but Kendall didn't think he would be calm for a good while due to what James said.

As he practically threw open the door to the roof, revealing the stairs that would lead him to the top of his apartment building, he became even angrier. James may be paralyzed, but that didn't give him the right to say whatever he wanted. It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago, Kendall and James were having fun, and now all Kendall wanted to do was rip James' throat out.

After clomping up the stairs, putting more force on each step than necessary, he yet again yanked open the door too hard, but didn't even flinch when it hit the wall. He saw James already sitting near the edge of the roof, obviously having used the elevator to the roof.

Kendall nearly exploded as he walked up to where James was sitting. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you?" He demanded angrily, stopping next to James and crossing his arms over his chest.

James shook his head. He didn't exactly know, either.

"You do know that you just destroyed Logan, right?" Kendall asked. "I mean, you knew he already felt guilty! You saw him crying in the hospital, James! I don't care how much you didn't like our present. You had _no_ right to say that to Logan."

James glared then but didn't turn to look at Kendall. He was afraid to see how angry his friend really was. "Yeah, blame everything on me," He said coldly. "You're the one who bought a wheelchair for the boy that asked for a surgery that would reverse his paralysis."

"That still gives you no right to say what you said, James," Kendall stated angrily.

"Then why don't you try putting yourself in my situation?" He didn't sound angry; just tired. "How would you react if you were paralyzed and you got a wheelchair for your birthday? It's like a blow to the stomach."

Kendall bit the inside of his lip. "Well what the hell did you expect, James?" Kendall demanded. "You didn't honestly believe you were going to get that surgery, did you? You're going to be stuck in that chair for the rest of your life. Everyone else has accepted it. You should, too."

He shouldn't have said that. But he did and now it was in the past, and to be honest, Kendall didn't really care about James right now.

James felt tears spring to his eyes but he refused to let them fall. "I said it before and I'll say it again, Kendall," He said quietly. "You don't understand what it is to be like this, and you _never_ will."

"And you'll never understand that just because you're paralyzed," Kendall began, "Doesn't give you the right to be a jerk to everyone. You're going to be paralyzed for the rest of your life. I get that. But Logan is never going to forget what you said. He's going to live with that guilt for the rest of his life!"

James only shook his head again. Kendall wasn't understanding anything about what he was saying, so he wasn't going to bother wasting his breath.

"You really are the most ungrateful person I've ever met," Kendall mused. "Why don't you consider yourself lucky to be alive instead of giving Logan shit for saving your life?"

James still didn't answer.

Kendall inhaled sharply. "You know what, James?" He asked. "You're right. You're totally right. I wish Logan hadn't saved you that day either. You know why?" He waited for James to answer him, but the boy beside him remained silent. "Because people like you don't even deserve to live. You don't even see how fortunate you are, you ass. I can't even look at you right now." Without another word, he turned on his heel and stormed away.

James blinked and to his dismay, tears started streaming down his cheeks. Never in all his life had Kendall talked to him that way, nor had he seen Kendall talk to _anyone_ that way. Kendall was supposed to be his best friend, and he basically just wished death upon James.

He reached up and hastily wiped at them with his sleeve, but it was no use because more kept coming. It was hard for him to keep a smile on his face and a positive outlook on life when he felt like the entire world was against him.

He knew he shouldn't have said what he did to Logan, but he couldn't help the anger that was exploding out of him at that moment in time. He was mad at all of his friends and took it out on Logan, but that didn't mean that Logan deserved what James said to him.

Kendall was right. He didn't deserve to live.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **So this is really short but I don't really care at this point. We'll get another update tomorrow morning and then another later in the day and that will happen and yeah. Bye.


	18. Waterworks

**OMWGNOTE: **My heart has still not been recovered. In addition, I think I've lost my soul too. It might be rotting in the fiery pits of hell. I think that's the place you should look first. Read on.

* * *

"_They'll try to convince you and tell you that they're right. They'll break you and beat you and steal away your life. They'll tell you that you're nothing, and you'll never get it right." –Where Dreams Go To Die, The Downtown Fiction _

James left the roof five minutes after Kendall had left him and decided to go down to the pool area, seeing as the apartment was the last place he wanted to be or was wanted.

He rolled quietly around the perimeter of the pool, trying to ignore his desires of just wheeling himself into the water and letting his life end. Even if Kendall hated him right now, he knew Logan would only feel guiltier. James felt bad enough about what he said to Logan without Kendall's help and he didn't want his friend to go through more pain than he already had.

Many people who weren't invited to James' birthday 'get together' had wished James a happy birthday. He received birthday wishes from Guitar Dude, Tyler, and even Mr. Bitters. James had thanked them but inside he knew that their words meant nothing. He was having the worst birthday of all time and no one's words were going to change that.

As James continued to wander aimlessly around the pool area he felt his anger with his friends rise again. Sure, he had been a jerk to Logan, but it was his so-called friends who had made the first attack. He had been wanting the stem cell treatment for several months now and then Kendall, Carlos and Logan thought it would be a good idea to get James a wheelchair. Even though he had just discovered that he wasn't even qualified for the treatment and his current wheelchair wasn't really working all that well, James was still angry about the present he had received.

He had been asking for the ability to walk again. Getting a wheelchair was just a painful reminder that his wishes would never come true.

James had been so deep in his thoughts that he hadn't really noticed that he almost ran over the toe of one of the Jennifers.

"Hey, watch where you're—" The blonde Jennifer began, but when she looked down and saw it was James, she stopped herself. "Oh, hi James."

James was confused. The Jennifers had never been nice to him, not even after he had first been paralyzed. In fact, the blonde Jennifer hadn't even tried to be nice to him. The other two Jennifers had been a little more lenient on their cruelty towards him, and now James was more surprised than ever. The blonde Jennifer was being nice to him _and_ the other Jennifers were nowhere in sight.

"Sorry Jennifer," James said. "I didn't see you there."

Jennifer smiled sweetly at him, but the gesture looked far from genuine. "It's okay," She told him kindly. "I've been meaning to ask you something, anyway. Now that we've bumped into each other I guess it just makes my job of finding you much easier."

"Okay," James said, a little uneasy. He had no idea what Jennifer wanted to ask him but he was a little afraid. She didn't have a reputation for being a nice person. "What's your question?"

Again, Jennifer smiled. The sick feeling in James' stomach only intensified as she began to speak. "Well, you've been in that wheelchair for quite some time now. Around two months, right?" James nodded, not liking where this was going. "I just wanted to know when you were going to give up the act."

James gave her a confused look and asked, "What act?" He racked his brain to try and see if he could come up with a reason as to why Jennifer would ask him such a question, but he kept drawing blank.

Jennifer laughed. "The wheelchair act, obviously," She said, placing a hand on her hip and giving him a look that said _you haven't fooled me._ "I mean, I've seen publicity stunts carry on for a while but never _this_ long."

"Jennifer, this isn't a publicity stunt!" James shouted, causing heads to turn as he looked at the blonde with disbelief. "I really am paralyzed!"

James became angry as Jennifer rolled her eyes, scoffing at him. "Oh really? Prove it."

He opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it. He shouldn't have to meet the demands of some blonde bully who thought she was the best thing to ever grace the earth. "I don't need to prove anything to you, Jennifer," He nearly spat, beginning to back away from her. "So you can just take your pretty little—"

But he never got to finish his sentence.

James was suddenly aware that he was falling backwards. He seemed to have forgotten that his wheelchair was so close to the edge of the pool, but as his wheelchair tipped back and finally broke the surface of the water, James knew that was something he definitely should have remembered.

As he sunk lower and lower into the watery depths of the famous swimming pool, James realized that this was a very bad thing. His wheelchair wasn't something that could float and James wasn't going to be able to swim. Sure, he could use his arms, but his legs were a dead weight and he wouldn't be able to stay afloat for long.

That's when James realized he was going to die at the bottom of the pool.

But instead of becoming scared, or maybe even sad about it, James found himself feeling relief. Kendall and Carlos and Logan wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. He wouldn't have to deal with his depression anymore. Gustavo wouldn't have to fight Griffin to keep him in the band, his friends wouldn't have to waste their time and money on him…it was honestly better for everyone.

His lungs were burning and he was beginning to feel lightheaded from the lack of oxygen he wasn't receiving. His brain was screaming at him to at least try and break the surface, but James' limbs stubbornly remained stationary. His wheelchair finally hit the floor of the pool and James closed his eyes, beginning to inhale and ready to leave everything he knew behind him.

But then he felt a strong pair of arms hook under his armpits and they began pulling him up. James knew that if his legs could move, they would be thrashing and kicking and trying to get his savior to just let him die. Instead he found himself breaking the surface of the water, coughing and sputtering. His lungs were grateful for the newfound oxygen as he was pushed out of the pool, whoever saved him coming out right after.

James opened his eyes and after his vision cleared, he saw Buddha Bob hovering over him. The hairy man helped James sit up and began thumping on his back, trying to get the water out of James' system. James felt his body convulse several times as the water left his lungs, and after it was all out, he was still left coughing on the ground, trying to breathe in as much air as he could.

Of course Buddha Bob would come save him. James hardly ever saw the maintenance man around the Palm Woods, and he was actually kind of mad that he had _conveniently_ been by the pool while James had been drowning.

"That was a close one," Buddha Bob said in that guttural voice of his. "Hold on, I'll go get your chair."

As James watched the man go back into the pool, he wanted to cry. Couldn't Buddha Bob see that James didn't want to live? Wasn't it obvious that James didn't even _deserve_ to live?

Soon Buddha Bob resurfaced carrying James' chair. James tried to ignore the way that everyone's eyes were on them as the man put the chair on the pavement and them clambered out of the water right after it.

"Uh," Buddha Bob said, looking at James' chair with a confused look on his face. "I don't think you're going to be able to use that anymore."

James' attention turned to the wheelchair in question and he felt his heart plummet into his stomach. One of the wheels was dangerously close to falling right off the chair, and with an unwelcome sense of dread James recognized it as the wheel he constantly rammed into the doorframe with. James knew that if he even tried to sit in the chair, it would collapse under his weight.

"That's just freaking great," James muttered under his breath. It looked like he would be putting Carlos, Kendall and Logan's present to good use then, though first he needed to figure out a way to even get back to his apartment.

As if he read James' mind, Buddha Bob spoke up then. "I could carry you back up to your apartment," He suggested, putting his arms out.

James sighed. If falling into the pool hadn't drawn the attention of everyone in the Palm Woods, then getting carried back to his apartment by a giant-esque maintenance man would surely do the trick. But despite how badly James wanted everyone's attention to be focused elsewhere, it was either Buddha Bob carrying him or James spending the rest of the night dragging himself back to 2J.

Sighing again, James nodded. Buddha Bob smiled kindly and without further ado, picked James up off the ground and held him like he was an infant. James blushed at the position and the fact that absolutely everyone currently inhabiting the pool area was watching him. James' wheelchair sat forgotten as Buddha Bob began to carry James away, walking through the doors of the lobby where they were only granted with more unwanted attention.

After what seemed like forever, James and Buddha Bob were in the safe confines of the elevator and had a short journey to the second floor. As he stepped out of the elevator, Buddha Bob began humming a happy melody that clashed harshly with James' sour mood. But thankfully, 2J wasn't far from the elevators and soon they had arrive at his apartment door. Buddha Bob kicked the door twice instead of knocking because his hands were quite busy at the moment, and then they waited.

It only took a few moments for Mrs. Knight to open the door, and then it didn't even take a full second for the worried expression she wore to be replaced with one of shock.

She took in both Buddha Bob and James' wet appearances and the fact that Buddha Bob was carrying James and she could barely form the words to speak, but somehow she did. "What happened?" She asked, immediately stepping aside to let Buddha Bob enter the apartment. "And where's your wheelchair?"

James answered almost instantaneously. "I wasn't being careful," He explained. "And I fell into the pool, but Buddha Bob saved me. He didn't save my chair, though. It's broken." He tried to make the last part sound grateful, even if he temporarily hated the man who saved him for doing such.

"James," Mrs. Knight said seriously, following behind Buddha Bob as he placed James on the couch. "You have to watch where you're going! You could have drowned if it weren't for Buddha Bob."

"I know," James said tiredly. _I know and that's what makes me mad._

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Well, Buddha Bob," She said. "Thank you for saving James."

Buddha Bob nodded curtly. "Do you want me to bring the chair up here?"

"You said it was broken?" Mrs. Knight asked, running a hand through her hair. When Buddha Bob nodded again, she said, "Then just throw it away. We have another one here for him to use."

Buddha Bob smiled. "Alright. Well then, see you later James!" He waved for a few seconds before turning around and leaving the apartment, leaving Mrs. Knight and James alone.

Kendall's mother turned to James. "I'm going to go get you some fresh clothes and your new wheelchair. Then I'm going to call your father and let him know that you're okay. He left a few minutes ago because it's getting a bit late and he and Shane have a pretty early flight back home tomorrow."

James nodded, sinking into the couch cushions as Mrs. Knight disappeared into the hallway. He had been so _close_ to getting everything he wanted, only to have it ripped away from his grip. This same situation had been repeating itself so many times since James first discovered he was paralyzed and he was absolutely sick of it.

Mrs. Knight's raised voice caught James' attention and he stole a glance into the hallway behind him to see Mrs. Knight standing at Kendall and his bedroom door. He turned away quickly when he saw Mrs. Knight glance in his direction but soon heard the click of something being unlocked and then the sound of a door opening. James stole a look back into the hallway to find that Mrs. Knight had disappeared into he and Kendall's shared room.

Not even a minute later he heard the door shut and lock again and the sound of a wheelchair being pushed down the hallway. Mrs. Knight reappeared next to him with his brand new wheelchair and a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

Mrs. Knight had to help James change out of his wet jeans and into the pair of sweat pants. She had spared him a new pair of underwear and felt bad about making him sleep in wet ones, but that was going too far for her. Usually the boys would help James get changed but now that they had all gone missing in action, Mrs. Knight was forced to help her son's best friend with the awkward task.

After James was, for the most part, in dry clothes, Mrs. Knight helped him into his new wheelchair. "Why don't you go to bed?" She suggested, smiling.

James nodded. He _was_ pretty tired. "Good night, Mrs. K," He said sleepily, turning his chair around and going toward his room. He was pleased with how well his new chair maneuvered but he still preferred walking over it, no matter how nice it was.

"Good night, James," Mrs. Knight said from behind him. "Happy birthday." She waited until James reached his door before heading up the stairs to her own bedroom.

James reached his door but when he went to turn the doorknob, he found it to be locked. "Kendall?" He asked, knocking on the door. There was no answer.

"Kendall? Come on, dude. Open the door," He said, but still, Kendall didn't respond to him. James leaned back a little bit to see light coming out beneath the creak of the door. James sighed. "Kendall, I know you're awake. The light is on!"

Moments after he said this, the sliver of light disappeared.

Well. Kendall certainly still wasn't happy with him.

"Fine," James said. "I'll go sleep on the couch. Damn, Kendall. Best birthday present _ever_." And if Kendall responded, he didn't hear it, because James angrily wheeled away from his door then and back into the living room.

Thankfully James didn't need any assistance to get onto the couch. It was low enough to where he could use his upper body strength and get himself onto the cushions safely without sliding off like he did on his bed. It took him several minutes to get comfortable and when he finally did, sleep wouldn't take him.

When James was younger he used to think all of his teenage birthdays would be amazing. He would get his permit on his fifteenth birthday, his license on his sixteenth, a car on his seventeenth, and whatever he wanted on his eighteenth. So far nothing had gone according to plan. His grandmother had died on his fifteenth birthday and his mother became dead to the world only a few months later. James failed his driver's test on his sixteenth birthday and on his seventeenth, he had gotten into a fight with his best friends, almost drowned, and had gotten a new wheelchair and several other accessories to remind him of the fact he couldn't walk.

James had always thought birthdays were supposed to be happy things. Days devoted to celebrating the fact that _you_ were born. But his last three birthdays had been far from celebratory.

And looking back on his childhood, James never expected he would cry on almost every birthday he ever had.

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**OMWGNOTE: **Again, I would greatly appreciate assistance in searching for my missing heart and soul. This story might be happier if I had them back.


	19. Guilt

**OMWGNOTE: **This is the last chapter that I will upload for a while. I'm sending the next nine chapters to my best friend Laura to upload. They will all have my own authors notes on them and everything, but she might add whatever she wants. When I get back from my vacation, it would be lovely to have a lot of reviews filling up my inbox!

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"_When I go to sleep for good, will I be forgiven?" –I Want To Know Your Plans, Say Anything_

James had always loved dancing, especially in the rain. Even though he claimed to hate the rain for messing up his hair, which sometimes he did, dancing in it was much more fun. There was something about the way the rain felt against his skin as he danced.

He had just won their race, which wasn't a surprise. Logan was pretty fast, but it was James' long legs that always let him win in the end. He had passed the place where he was supposed to stop, but it didn't really matter to him. Right now, he was much too busy doing a victory dance and shaking his ass in front of his friends so that they would be well aware that he won their race.

He wasn't paying much attention, though. He had his eyes closed to prevent rain from getting in them, but it wasn't like he needed his vision right now anyway. His friends, maybe with the exception of Logan, were all too far behind to really see his victory dance, and when he deemed they were close enough he would open his eyes so that he could see their jealous faces in action.

James heard a few cars pass by but thought nothing of it. He was on the sidewalk, not in danger of getting hit by any cars.

Or so he thought.

Suddenly he heard a frantic scream from somewhere behind him. _"James_!" He heard Logan call, and James stopped his victory dance mid butt-shake and his eyes snapped open, turning his head to look at his friend.

He was about to yell at Logan when he saw the headlights coming right towards him.

The care wasn't going to stop any time soon, James could definitely tell that. It was only a few feet away from him; he had time to move. But it was like his feet were glued to the ground, because no matter how much his brain was screaming at him to get out of the way, his legs just wouldn't cooperate. He was going to die. Those bright headlights shining in his eyes were the last thing he was going to see.

"_James_!" Logan screamed again, this time much louder. James didn't even have time to look at his best friends as he closed his eyes and braced himself for impact.

The force slamming into him knocked him right off his feet, but it wasn't from where he expected it to come from. Whereas he expected to be hit from the front and feel the hard metal against his skin, instead he felt something hard yet warm ram into him from the side. His mind wasn't processing what it possibly could be as he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the end to come.

Finally, James hit the ground with his shoulder, most likely dislocating it as he skidded across the wet pavement. Every part of him ached and he was sure he couldn't move.

But he wasn't dead.

Slowly, James opened his eyes, squinting through the heavy rain. He heard the screech of tires and a crash before all noise stopped for one moment.

But it was only for one moment. Then the world exploded with a tidal wave of sound, and James would give everything to never hear those sounds again.

"_James_! _Logan_!"

James heard his two best friends call both of their names and his eyes widened at the mention of his other friend's name. James gathered that he hadn't been hit by the car then and realized it must have been _Logan_ who pushed him out of the way.

Logan!

Ignoring the pain all over his body, James sat up quickly, looking around. He could see Carlos and Kendall sprinting towards him, but they were still quite far away. He saw the car that was heading toward him crashed into the wall of a building, but James didn't care about the condition that the driver was in. What he did care about, though, was an all too familiar body laying too still where he had been standing just moments ago.

"No," James whispered in disbelief, crawling the few feet over to where his friend lay.

Logan was laying on his side, his back facing towards James. Once the brunette boy approached his friend, he rolled Logan over onto his back, gasping at the sight.

Logan's eyes were open but clouded with pain. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble breathing and there was a large gash on his head. The blood flowing out of Logan's forehead was coming at an alarming rate and it scared James.

"Logan?" He asked, and Logan's eyes finally focused on James. Seeing the immense pain in the chocolate irises made James choke out a sob. "Logan, why would you do that?"

Despite the great amount Logan was hurting, he smiled softly. "Because," He said, and the simple word sent him into a coughing fit that ended with blood dribbling down the corner of his mouth. "You're my best friend, Jay. I couldn't just let you die."

James sobbed even louder just as Carlos and Kendall arrived. "But now you're going to die," He wailed, finding Logan's hand and squeezing it between both of his.

"It's alright," Logan said. He didn't seem very fazed by the fact that he was about to die. "Don't cry, Jay. Everything will be okay in the end."

"No it won't," He nearly yelled. Just then, Logan closed his eyes, seemingly not having enough strength to keep them open anymore. "No, Logan! Don't leave me! Don't you _dare_ leave me!"

But instead of listening to James, Logan did the exact opposite of what he wanted. His breathing became slower and got more labored with each inhale. Not even a minute had passed before Logan's chest was completely still.

"_Logan_!" James screamed. "_No_!" He placed his hand on his friend's chest, only becoming more panicked when he couldn't feel Logan's heart beating beneath his palm. James began shaking Logan then, but when Logan's head only lolled to rest on his shoulder, James knew his friend was gone.

It was his fault Logan was dead.

James bent down and began sobbing into Logan's unmoving chest, clutching at his best friend's tshirt. Nothing would eliminate the guilt and hatred he felt for himself right now. He didn't even care how much he was physically hurting because none of it compared to the emotional pain of losing his best friend.

Suddenly he was being pulled away from Logan and Carlos and Kendall. James began thrashing in the arms of his captor, kicking and struggling as best as he could to get away and back to his friends. But then the scene before him disappeared entirely, and he felt himself free-falling.

He braced himself for impact yet again but when he landed in his wheelchair, it was graceful. He opened his clenched eyes and looked around, not seeing anything but a white room. Although he could move his legs before, they were useless now.

"Hello?" He called, his voice broken up by a hiccup. There was no one in sight.

Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. "You're a horrible person, James," Carlos told him. "Logan put his life on the line for you and yet you're complaining about it."

"Carlos—"

"You don't even deserve to live," Kendall chimed in, and James turned to see him striding right up to where James was sitting. "That car should have squished you like the worthless bug that you are."

"I'm sorry," James sobbed. "I didn't mean to—I didn't mean what I said!"

Carlos scoffed at him. "It's too late now," Never in all his life had James heard Carlos speak with such malice in his voice. "You've destroyed Logan."

"I'm sorry!" James exclaimed, crying even harder.

But Carlos and Kendall didn't listen to him. Carlos suddenly had a large white bottle in his hand full of an unknown substance. He began pouring the clear liquid on the floor of the small room, making sure he was giving every part of the floor an equal amount of attention.

Then the smell filled James' nostrils. It was gasoline.

This wasn't happening. This _couldn't_ be happening. But it was and James couldn't do anything about it.

Carlos strode up to him then and poured the remaining gasoline on James' head, leaving said boy coughing and sputtering when a little bit got into his mouth. It soaked his clothes and left almost no part of him untouched.

"Have fun, _Jamie_," Kendall sneered at him before he and Carlos walked to a door James had not seen before. They opened the door and were about to leave before Kendall stopped in the doorway, pulling something out of his pocket.

James could only watch in horror as Kendall lit the match and, with one last glare towards James, threw it into the room. The last thing James remembered was the haunting look in Kendall's green eyes before his entire world went up in flames.

* * *

James shot up on the couch, sweat pouring down his face and making his clothes stick uncomfortably to his skin. He reached up and wiped his sweaty bangs away from where they were clinging to his forehead and tried to regulate his breathing.

That was the most vivid dream he had had in a while and it left him feeling even more guilty than before. He flinched as he remembered Logan still on the ground before him. Everything about his dream felt completely real and it scared him.

Glancing at the clock on the cable box, he was surprised to see it was 7:42 in the morning. He shook his head as if it would clear his mind of his bad thoughts and pulled the blanket off of his useless legs. James reached over and pulled his new wheelchair closer to him, and bracing himself by holding the two arm rests of the chair, lowered himself into the seat. He had gotten much better at that over the past few months.

James' throat felt scratchy as he wandered over to the kitchen, and he couldn't remember whether it was because he had been crying in his sleep or if it was from his near-death experience the night before. As he passed the counter, he saw a note sitting on the surface. He grabbed it and his eyes quickly scanned the words.

It was Mrs. Knight telling them that she had taken Logan to the hospital to receive another surgery on his knee and that she would be back later that day. She mentioned that Logan would be staying in the hospital overnight and that she would bring him home tomorrow morning, but until she got home at around seven they shouldn't be doing anything stupid or reckless.

James had completely forgotten that Logan had his second surgery today. He felt horrible for putting more stress on Logan than his friend needed.

It would be a lie if James said he didn't regret what he said to Logan. He was just feeling angry at the time and it came out in the heat of the moment, but that was no excuse. James could only hope that Logan would forgive him for his cruel words. He knew that it wasn't going to be easy to get Kendall to forgive him, a fact that had been proven to him last night. James wasn't exactly sure how Carlos felt about him at the moment, but judging by how protective Carlos was of Logan, he was guessing that he wasn't Carlos' favorite person at the moment.

James sighed as he took a cup out of the dishwasher. Mrs. Knight always made sure to leave a few in there so that there wouldn't be another repeat of the incident where he fell on Logan. He wheeled himself over the sink and reached up to fill his glass with tap water. The drink did little to nothing to soothe his throat.

Suddenly James couldn't stop shaking. He set his empty glass down on the counter and wheeled himself into the bathroom, turning on the sink and leaning up as high as he could to splash water in his face. It didn't work very well because he was too short, but a few small splashes were reaching him.

Once he deemed that he had soaked his face enough, James grabbed a towel from the rack and wiped at his face. After he was done, he buried his face into the soft material and screamed as loud as he could.

He was losing his mind, he was sure of it.

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**OMWGNOTE: **Hopefully the beginning didn't confuse you too much! Aw fuck, guys. This is the last chapter_ I'll_ be uploading for two weeks. It's Laura's job now.

And now I have all night (I am so saving that 10 hour plane ride for nothing but sleep, meaning no sleep tonight haha) to finish C20-26, plus finish the very last part of C28. I hope to come home to tons of reviews! Maybe we can get to 300 by the time I get back. Who knows?

Good day, lovelies.


	20. Pain

**OMWGNOTE: **It's 1:17 in the morning as I am writing this, but as you're reading this, I'm probably stuck at an airport in New York. Fun times.

Anyway, thank you for the reviews on the last chapter and thank you to Laura for updating this story for me while I'm gone.

**Miss Fenway Note: **I miss Alex. Also, I really love the end of this chapter. I don't think many of you will be too surprised when you read it. Anyway, Alex come home!

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"_I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control." –Jasey Rae, All Time Low_

A few minutes after James had splashed his face with water, he realized how much his eyes were irritating him. He figured that it was the combination of splashing water in his face, falling in the pool, and crying so much the night before, but he couldn't have his contacts in any longer. He wasn't supposed to sleep with them in anyway, so he was sure that was also a contributing factor as to why his eyes were bothering him.

He took them out and disposed of them in the trash, blinking as if it would clear his blurry vision, even though he knew that it wouldn't. James squinted as he searched the drawers of the desk in the loft, looking for a paper clip. Finally he found one and unbent it, then put it on his lap as he wheeled to his and Kendall's door.

Squinting even more, James stuck the paper clip through the small hole in the door and poked around until he heard a click that signified he had unlocked the door. He dropped the paper clip back onto his lap after he pulled it out of the doorknob, and then opened the door and entered the room as quietly as he could.

Luckily, his front wheel didn't hit the doorframe and so he didn't disturb a sleeping Kendall. James quickly wheeled up to the desk he and Kendall shared, grabbing his glasses out of their case and slipping them on, giving a small smile as everything became clear and his eyes stopped hurting so much. He then opened his desk drawer and pulled out the lighter Guitar Dude had given him. He had found that it was actually a little calming to watch the small flame burn, and so he had been using it a lot more than he thought he would.

Slipping the lighter into the pocket of his sweatpants, James left the room as quietly as he could and then shut the door behind him carefully. He wheeled back into the living room, where he found the rest of his presents piled on the kitchen table. Since he didn't know when Kendall or Carlos would wake up, he decided he might as well kill some time and open the presents now.

He spotted a small red bag first, and he pulled the card out first. He found that the present was from Gustavo and Kelly, and when he pulled the tissue paper out of the bag a pair of leather fingerless gloves greeted him at the bottom of the bag. He pulled them out and inspected them carefully, liking how they felt against his hands. James remembered complaining about how much his hands hurt once while he was at Rocque Records. Apparently Kelly and Gustavo had been paying attention.

But even though it was a wheelchair-related present, James was still grateful for the gloves because it was very thoughtful of Gustavo and Kelly to get them for him. Now that he thought about it, if it wasn't too late, he really _would_ like to thank his friends for the new wheelchair. Kendall had basically told him last night to grow up and accept his paralysis because everyone else had, and even though it was taking longer for him to do so, James was going to start on the process at least.

After slipping on his new gloves, he moved to his next presents. Mrs. Knight and Katie had gotten him a few graphic tees and v-necks to add to his extensive collection, and he really enjoyed all of the ones he received. His father gave him an entire line of 'Cuda hair products, and made sure to tell James in the card attached that he had done some research and none of them had been recalled, nor had any users reported allergic reactions to the products.

James couldn't help but get excited in an extremely nerdish way when he opened his brother's present. Shane had gotten him the two newest Pokemon games for his Nintendo DS, and this excited James a lot. He and his brother had grown up playing Pokemon and he had been dying to get the newest games for a while now. He would have to call Shane and give him his thanks.

Just as James was throwing the wrapping paper away, he heard a door in the hallway open and he tensed. There was a possibility that it could be Katie, but there was a much greater chance that it was Kendall or Carlos. He _knew_ that Kendall was not happy with him and though he wasn't sure about Carlos, he figured the boy was angry with him as well.

It must be his lucky day, because Katie emerged from the hallway fully dressed for the day. She smiled when she saw him. "Hey James," She said. "I see you're rocking a new look today." She gestured to his glasses, wheelchair, and gloves. She walked past him and plopped down on the couch, grabbing for the remote. "So how was your birthday?"

James didn't really know how to answer. "Um," He said. "Not too good."

As she clicked the power button, she turned to give James a worried look. "Yeah, I saw you storm out of here last night." She said. "What happened?" She immediately muted the television when it turned on.

James sighed. "Long story short, I said things I really shouldn't have said to Logan," He told her. "And I'm not denying that, and I feel really guilty about it. Your brother yelled at me thought and probably won't ever let me forget what I said, plus he locked me out of our room last night so I had to sleep on the couch. I don't think Carlos is happy with me either, but I wouldn't know because I haven't talked to him since last night. Oh, and yesterday I fell into the pool and almost drowned, but you know. Other than that, I would say it was a wonderful birthday." He didn't mean for his tone to become so sarcastic by the end, but it did and there wasn't anything he could do to change it.

"Tough break," Katie said, grimacing. "I'm really sorry, James. I really hope you guys work out everything. And I'm glad you didn't drown last night."

"Thanks, Katie," James said, trying to put more feeling into those two words than he could possibly convey with a hundred words.

She nodded and, sensing the conversation was done, took the television off mute and changed the channel so it would fit her Saturday morning cartoon needs. James sighed and began watching them with her, dreading the moment that his two best friends would wake up.

It wasn't James' lucky day after all. Just as he thought that, he heard another door open from the hallway. He visibly tensed and Katie shot a glance in his way.

Kendall strode right up to Katie and plopped a kiss at the top of her head. "Hey, baby sister," He greeted. Seeing James sitting next to her, his eyes narrowed. "And hello to you, jerk. I see you're getting quite a bit of use out of a present you hate."

James gulped, too afraid to meet Kendall's eyes and see the anger in them. He quietly responded, "My other wheelchair is broken, and I don't hate this one."

Kendall rolled his eyes at James' blatant lie. "Well, that's definitely not the impression you gave off last night," He said coldly. "Where's everyone else?"

"Carlos is sleeping, I think," James replied. "Your mom is with Logan at the hospital. He has the second surgery on his knee today. There's a note on the counter if you want to read it."

"I forgot Logan's surgery was today," Kendall commented. "I forgot he even needed surgery. Oh wait! That's right. Logan needs surgery on his knee. The knee that got hurt because he was busy saving your life. Yes, I remember now."

James flinched at Kendall's harsh words. His lips couldn't form the words to speak and even if they could, he was sure that no sound would come out. He could see Katie's eyes widen at Kendall's words, but she didn't come to his defense. He wasn't even offended. He surely wasn't going to face Kendall's wrath, and there was no reason that Katie should either.

The sound of another door opening in the hallway caught James' attention and he tensed again. It had to be Carlos, and he wasn't sure how the older boy was feeling right now. He braced himself for anger, because if he was being honest, it was what he deserved.

"Hey Kendall, hey Katie," Carlos greeted. When his eyes fell on James, he bit the inside of his cheek. "Hey jerk."

Kendall smiled. "Sweet!" He exclaimed. "Carlos, we both used the same nickname for James!" Carlos smiled back at his friend and they proceeded to high five.

Okay. There was no doubt that Carlos hated him too. The fact that they were doing all of this in front of Katie made it even worse.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," James muttered quietly, wheeling past Carlos and Kendall, who glared at him. James didn't actually have to go to the bathroom, obviously. But once the door was shut, he was glad to be away from Kendall and Carlos.

He looked at himself in the mirror and didn't like what he saw. It wasn't the glasses, which he thought made him look ugly. It wasn't the red circles around his eyes, or the bags underneath them. It was looking himself in the eye and hating everything that he was seeing. Normally he loved himself and everything he did, but he felt no love for the boy looking back at him.

Carlos and Kendall's nickname for him ran through his mind. _Jerk_. He was a jerk. He remembered Kendall's comment from last night, about how he didn't deserve to live. And he didn't. He _knew_ he didn't. But he wasn't about to go and kill himself.

However, he did know that he deserved a little pain in return for all of the pain he caused everyone else.

As he dug through the cabinet beneath the sink, James thought back on how he always told himself he would never resort to self-harm. It was a rule he had. Not when his grandmother died, not when his mother was hospitalized. But now, as he pulled out one of Katie's generic black metal clips, he knew that rules were meant to be broken.

James fished for the lighter in the pocket of his sweatpants and when his fingers curled around the small stick, he smiled. Hastily, James shoved his sleeve up to his elbow and flicked the lighter on, holding the metal part of Katie's clip to the flame for a minute or two.

After he deemed it hot enough, James pressed the metal to the skin of his forearm and welcomed the pain that came with it.

* * *

"_And if this is what it takes just to lie with my mistakes, and live with what I did to you, all the hell I put you through." –Konstantine, Something Corporate_

Logan woke up after his surgery due to a searing pain in his knee. He opened his eyes to find himself in a white room, laying in an uncomfortable cot with the covers pulled up just past his waist. A television hanging in the corner of the room was playing a talk show, and he then saw Mrs. Knight watching the show with a bored expression on her face.

He reached up to scratch his head, and apparently the movement caught Mrs. Knight's eye because she turned to look at him then. Smiling, she said, "Logan, I'll call for your doctor." She reached up and hit the call button that was next to Logan's bed. "How are you feeling, honey?"

If he was going to be honest, he would say everything hurt. His knee hurt due to the recent surgery he had on it. His head hurt because the blinding lights of the room were giving him a headache. His heart hurt because he was the reasoning for his best friend's suffering.

"I'm okay," He lied.

Just then Logan's doctor came into the room, holding a clip board with what must be Logan's medical statistics on it. "Good afternoon, Logan," He said happily. "Do you want me to give you some morphine? You must be hurting right now."

Logan couldn't even begin to describe how right the doctor was. Of course he was hurting. His best friend told him that he was depressed and suicidal thanks to him. Logan was the reason that James was paralyzed. He destroyed his best friend's life. Of course he was hurting.

But Logan didn't think the doctor was referring to his heart, which was broken beyond repair. He was probably talking about Logan's knee, which also hurt even though it wasn't in the same pain as his heart. His knee was more of a burning pain. His heart was in more of a, 'I'll-never-be-happy-again' pain.

But with all the pain he caused James, Logan figured he deserved a little pain, too.

"Not really," Logan said. "I think I'll be fine without it."

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **They're all idiots. I hate them all.

**Miss Fenway: **I told you that the ending was great.


	21. Flame

**OMWGNOTE: **I just finished C20. It's now 3:21 in the morning. I only have six more hours until I can shower. Then at eleven I can sleep. I'm fucking excited. Sleep sounds really good right now.

**Miss Fenway Note: **Hey Alex, you never told me what you wanted these chapters to be called.

* * *

"_Are you having trouble finding sleep at night? Or does your lack of conscience tell you everything's alright? I trust your good intentions that you're watching over friends. You must think that I'm crazy if I don't see through that grin." –Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal, All Time Low_

The day passed at an agonizing pace for James. Kendall and Carlos' comments kept increasing in severity and finally, Katie had gotten fed up with it and had gone down to the pool. It wasn't like she could do anything for James without causing World War III to erupt, so she sent him an apologetic look as she left the apartment.

The first time in the bathroom had left James with three burns, one each for the nickname both Carlos and Kendall had spoken, and the third for Kendall's death wish on him. But as the comments got more and more frequent throughout the day, James excused himself to the bathroom twice more for more punishments.

Kendall and Carlos thought that James kept going to the bathroom to cry or to simply be away from them, both of which were sort of true. While James did shed a few tears and used the bathroom as his safe haven, it was used mostly for his punishment. By the time Mrs. Knight came home with a pizza at seven like she had promised, James already had a total of twelve burns littering his left forearm.

James, Carlos and Katie began helping themselves to slices, and Kendall was about to before Mrs. Knight asked to speak to him alone in the hallway. James heard Mrs. Knight mention something about his name, a couch, and a room, leaving James to assume that she was scolding Kendall about locking James out of their room the night before. He heard Kendall whine in protest, but Mrs. Knight was stern and put him back in his place.

Luckily, while Mrs. Knight was there, Kendall and Carlos didn't seem to dare say anything cruel to James. Even after they had all finished their dinners, Kendall and Carlos retreated to their separate rooms and left James with Mrs. Knight and Katie. He had no problem with that; he felt like he was actually welcomed watching television with them.

But all too soon, ten o'clock rolled around and that meant that it was time for Mrs. Knight and Katie to go to bed and, consequently, James too. Mrs. Knight went with James to his and Kendall's room to make sure the door was unlocked, and then bid a goodnight to both boys before heading off into her own room.

James was exhausted. He had gone through emotional hell today and all he wanted to do now was sleep. Although his new wheelchair was higher up than his old one, his bed was still very high off the ground and would still be difficult for James to climb onto. He opened his mouth to ask Kendall for help, but Kendall shot his idea down before he could even propose it.

"You can haul your own ungrateful ass into bed," He said boredly, getting up and turning the light off before getting back into his own bed.

James felt a defeated sigh fall from his lips. That would constitute for another burn tomorrow.

He rolled to the foot of his bed, hoping this method would be easier than the last. To his surprise, it was, and he was able to clamber onto the mattress. Everything kept rubbing his injured arm in the wrong way, causing it to hurt more, but as he finally settled into bed, he realized it was just added onto the pain that he already knew he deserved.

James was about to drift off to sleep before he realized he still had his glasses on. He opened his eyes and then let his head turn so that it was facing the nightstand, which looked like it was _miles_ away. Sighing, he sat up and took off his glasses and folded them. Then, with one hand bracing his bed, he reached with the other to the nightstand.

He got his glasses on the nightstand, but it was just far enough to where James lost his balance completely. His legs were a dead weight and therefore did nothing to help him stay in bed as he began to fall. Instinctively, James put his hand out to catch him, only resulting in hearing a crack and then pain shooting up his arm as he made contact with the floor.

"Crap!" He hissed, clutching at his wrist. Just by holding the appendage in his opposite hand, he felt immense pain. James was certain he had just broken his wrist.

Suddenly a pillow was thrown his way. "Shut up!" Kendall sneered at him. "I'm trying to sleep!"

If there was any doubt Kendall hated James before, there surely wasn't any now. At least Kendall had provided James with a pillow so that he could sleep on the floor.

* * *

James woke up the next morning with stabbing pains in both his arm and back. Oh so conveniently, James had possibly broken the wrist on the same arm he burned himself on. Just thinking about it made his arm hurt even more, and he even got this itchy feeling in his arm, like if he didn't burn soon he would go crazy.

He looked to his right and saw that Kendall was still in bed, not that he was much help anyway. James grabbed his glasses from the nightstand behind him and slipped them on before literally dragging himself across the floor to his wheelchair. Thankfully, it was quite easy for him to hoist himself up into the seat. He was out of the room quickly after that, making sure he had his lighter in his pocket.

James was surprised to see that it was already ten thirty when he got into the living room. Katie was watching television in the living room and James grabbed a yogurt and a spoon from the refrigerator before joining her. He really enjoyed Katie's company, but especially now. She could tell he was hurting, but she wasn't pestering him to share his feelings, and James was grateful for that.

His yogurt was gone within five minutes and then James excused himself to the bathroom, bringing his spoon with him. He had pretty much destroyed Katie's clip, so now he needed to use something else metal and the handle of the spoon was perfect. He pulled out his lighter and held the handle to the flame for a long time before holding it to his skin.

It was hard to describe what this made James feel. Of course it hurt him, but it also made him feel happy at the same time. He was certain that he deserved this kind of punishment and felt proud that he realized that.

After giving himself a few burns, he slipped the lighter and the spoon into his pocket. He was definitely going to be using both later.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE**: Short chapters are short but necessary to life. This is just a filler, bros. There will be more angst ahead.

**Miss Fenway Note: **This chapter could be called "James is Really Really Really Really Stupid." -shrugs-


	22. Comfort

**OMWGNOTE: **Sorry for the last chapter's extreme shortness. I am writing these all one after another even though that's not how you're reading them and it's hard to provide good quality while doing so. It's now 5:25 in the morning in case you were wondering. I may get in an hour of sleep lol.

**Miss Fenway Note: **I heard from Alex today which made me very happy. SHE'S ALIVE! Anyway, I am actually not responsible for the angst ahead. How nice.

* * *

"_I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself." –The Pros and Cons of Breathing, Fall Out Boy_

Carlos and Kendall emerged from their separate rooms at the same time, and James knew that he was in for it. He couldn't stop himself from tensing whenever they would come near or flinching whenever they would look his way or open their mouths to speak. He did feel as though he deserved their treatment towards him, but that didn't mean they weren't scaring him a little bit.

They had never gotten into a fight as big as this in all of their years of friendship. They always made up before things got out of hand. But now it was day two of Kendall and Carlos being angry with him and although they hadn't said anything to him yet, he knew their words were coming. He knew that once Katie stepped foot out of the apartment, they would start jumping on his case and it would only result in James burning his arm more and more. He already had sixteen burns on his arm now and was growing used to the scent of burning flesh.

That scared him. He let things get out of control and now his only escape was self-harm. He used to hear stories of people who hurt themselves and always wondered how a person's life got so bad to the point where causing themselves harm seemed like a good idea. Now he was living that life and he didn't like it one bit.

They had all only been together for fifteen minutes when Mrs. Knight arrived home with Logan. Katie had just been ready to leave to hang out with Tyler in the lobby as they entered the door, so she greeted them both before departing.

Logan was standing with the help of crutches and seemed to be in an immense amount of pain. He wouldn't meet their gazes as he began to trudge forward to the staircase.

Carlos and Kendall both gave Logan kind greetings from where they were seated on the couch. James wanted to do the same, he desperately did, but the words just wouldn't come out.

Logan looked up when Carlos and Kendall addressed him and mumbled a hello back before his eyes landed on James. James flinched when he saw the look in his best friend's eyes. They were filled with remorse and hurt and pain, and looking at Logan made James feel like he was looking at a puppy who had just been kicked.

The other boy said nothing to him as tears filled his eyes and he turned around, already having much difficulty making it up the stairs. Mrs. Knight set her purse down on the table before wrapping a supporting arm around Logan's back, helping him the rest of the way up the stairs and into his room.

Once they were out of sight, Kendall and Carlos turned on James.

"Do you see now what you did to him?" Kendall demanded. "He looks like a trainwreck!"

Carlos scoffed at him. "You couldn't even say hi," He said angrily. "You saw the look on his face, James! He obviously wants to be your friend again. I'm not sure why, though. I don't want to be your friend after what you said, and it wasn't even directed towards me."

James felt like all of the air had been knocked out of him. So Kendall hated him and wished he were dead. Carlos was picking Logan over him and didn't want to be friends anymore, even after so many years of friendship. And Logan couldn't even look James in the eye without tearing up.

He had never felt so alone in all of his life.

"I'm going to go," James said, though he wasn't exactly sure where he was headed to. Right now, he was just focusing on getting out of the apartment and away from where he was obviously not wanted.

"Good riddance," He heard Kendall mumble under his breath. No, he was definitely not wanted there.

He expertly spun his wheelchair so that it was facing the door and then sped away from the two people who hated him the most, opening the door and leaving the apartment quickly. He wasn't thinking straight at the moment and was just letting his body control where he was going. His wrist was throbbing with pain from being used so much the burns on his arm kept brushing against the armrest on his chair as he propelled himself forward. He didn't care. He kept going.

Finally he arrived at the door to Camille's apartment. There wasn't any destination that he had in mind, but he was certainly happy that he had ended up at Camille's door. He raised the fist of the arm that was uninjured and rapped his knuckles against the door three times, hoping that it was Camille who answered and not her father.

Thankfully _something_ was going right for him today, because Camille answered the door only seconds after he knocked. She frowned upon seeing his appearance. "You look horrible," She stated.

James nodded. "Thanks," He mumbled. "Are you busy right now? Sorry if this is unannounced, but if I stay in my apartment for much longer, I'm going to lose my mind."

"Yeah, you can come in," Camille said, stepping out of the way so he could get through. "My dad's not home right now, so you don't have to worry about him eavesdropping when you tell me all about what's very obviously bothering you."

James sighed, running a hand over his face. "Yeah," He said tiredly. "Okay. It's a long story though. Promise not to judge me?"

"Promise," She swore, walking over to the couch and plopping down on the cushions. James wheeled after her and stopped when he was a foot or two in front of her. "Okay," She said, folding her hands and resting her chin on them. "Spill."

He took a deep breath. "So on my birthday, Kendall kidnapped me and took me out for a few hours," James said, and he couldn't help but reminisce. Was it really only a few days ago that Kendall liked him? "When we got home there was a really small surprise party-type _thing_, and then the guys were really insistent on showing me their present first so Carlos almost killed me and then they showed me the present which was this," He gestured to the wheelchair.

"Originally for my birthday, I asked for stem cell surgery, which is supposed to reverse paralysis. But they all told me no because it was too risky and we didn't have enough information on it," He frowned. "So when I got this for my birthday, I didn't understand why they would get me a wheelchair when I asked for something to reverse my paralysis."

Camille nodded. "I'm with you on that one," She said. "That wasn't very considerate of them."

James decided not to comment. "Basically, I got really mad," He said. "I let it slip that I'm really depressed and sometimes think about—about suicide." Camille bit her lip to keep from saying anything and grabbed James' hand, clasping on tightly. "And then I kind of told Logan that I wish he hadn't saved me because being dead would be better than being paralyzed."

"Oh, James," Camille sighed.

"I know," He said, looking down. "I feel absolutely horrible about it. After it happened, I was still mad though, so I needed to cool down. I went up to the roof and I was only up there for five minutes when Kendall came to talk to me."

Judging by the look on James' face, Camille could tell what Kendall said to him wasn't very nice. "What did he say?" She asked softly.

James swallowed before answering. "That he agreed with me," He said miserably. "That Logan shouldn't have saved me because I didn't deserve to live."

Camille's expression darkened. "Can I kick his ass?" She asked. "Please tell me I can kick his ass. I'm being completely serious here."

"I'm pretty sure he would think I put you up to it," James said. "And what he said didn't really bother me that much because I was already thinking it myself. But then he left and I went down to the pool and one of the stupid Jennifers accused me of pulling a publicity stunt with the whole paralysis thing and then I fell into the pool before I got to curse her out and I almost drowned but stupid Buddha Bob saved me."

"'Stupid Buddha Bob saved me,'" Camille repeated, the anger in her face replaced with worry. "James, you sound like you didn't want to be saved."

He felt tears rolling down his cheeks then and he couldn't look her in the eyes. "I didn't," He said. "If I could go back and change anything about that night, I probably would have fought harder to keep Buddha Bob off of me, or I would have gone back down to the pool when no one was there and done it again. Camille, I hate thinking like this. I just want it to _stop_."

She leaned forward then and pulled him into a hug. "I want it to stop, too," She said. "Have you thought about counseling or therapy?"

"No," He said immediately. "But even if I did ask, it's not like Kendall or Carlos would listen. They've been horrible to me for the past few days. I can't stand to be in the same room as them any longer because of the things they say to me."

"James, they shouldn't be saying _anything_ to you." Camille told him softly.

James sighed again. "It's okay," He said. "It's not like I don't deserve every word."

"But you don't, James," She said. "You _don't_."

* * *

James stayed at Camille's for two hours, right up until she had to leave for an audition. She was much better company than Kendall and Carlos were. Then again, she wouldn't make rude comments every other second, so he figured that was a given.

When he got back to the apartment, he didn't spare a glance in Kendall or Carlos' way and instead took his lunch into his room. He didn't eat it, though; basically, he just used his spoon to give himself five more burns before shoving it in his desk drawer. Then he disposed of his untouched food and stayed in his room until Mrs. Knight called them all out for dinner.

While she was upstairs bringing Logan, who refused to come out of his room, his food, James grabbed his own plate and ignored the seething glares from Carlos and Kendall as he took the food into his room. He pulled the same routine that he did at lunch and disposed of the uneaten food before burning himself a few more times, one each for the few comments Kendall and Carlos had muttered under their breaths as he wheeled away from them.

This time, James put his glasses on the table before climbing into bed and luckily, didn't have any falls like he did the night before. Before Kendall barged into the room, James rolled up his sleeve, examining his hurt wrist. It was swollen and red and painful to the touch. Using it to wheel himself around all day didn't help much, either.

And for the third night in a row, James cried himself into an uneasy sleep. Even in his dreams his friends hated him.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **The next chapter is fun.

**Miss Fenway: **James needs a hug. So does Logan. And Camille because she's being so nice. Carlos and Kendall on the other hand. . . I'll leave it to you guys to decide on their punishments. Oh, and the next chapter is amazing and I'm so excited for the next chapter dgdgdtghtrhnghnhg.


	23. Explode

**OMWGNOTE: **Angst ahead.

**Miss Fenway: **Lalala! I've been waiting to get to this chapter! Epic angst ahead!

* * *

"_Everything I could give is everything you couldn't take. 'Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away, and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay. 'Cause I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet. But I need it." –Miserable At Best, Mayday Parade_

"Dinner!"

The shout from Mrs. Knight rang throughout the entire apartment, causing all of the inhabitants to drop whatever they were doing wherever they were and immediately seek out the source of the noise. It was the word itself that caused all of them to gravitate towards the dinner table, the only prospect on each of their minds being food.

Logan arrived first and this surprised Mrs. Knight. Since his surgery, he refused to come out of his room and would only leave to go to the bathroom. He also refused to talk to Kendall, Carlos or James and even decided against risking glances in James' direction. Mrs. Knight had had to bring him his food the night before and when he approached her, she smiled and handed him his pre-made plate of dinosaur shaped chicken, accompanied with smiley fries.

Putting on his best smile, Logan set down the plate at his normal spot and went to pour himself a glass of milk. While he was pouring the liquid into his glass, Kendall, Katie and Carlos all arrived at the same time, collecting their own plates from Mrs. Knight and following Logan's example of getting themselves drinks.

After almost everyone was settled in James wheeled into the room. He kept his head down, trying to ignore the glares Kendall and Carlos had sent his way once he appeared. It was almost like they were trying to kill him with those stares, like maybe if they poured every ounce of hatred and loathing into their eyes it would be enough to hurt James, withering in pain before finally it became too much for him. At least, that was what it felt like to James.

James took both his lunch and dinner into his and Kendall's room yesterday and today would be no different. Mrs. Knight handed him his plate with a smile, a bright and warm and cheery smile that he didn't return. He simply took the food and put the plate on his lap and he immediately began to roll away from the scene. James' mind was focused not on food but on the metal fork sitting with his plate, how he could use that metal to punish himself when he was alone.

But James didn't make it out of the room.

"James," Mrs. Knight said from behind him, and it was enough to make James stop dead in his tracks. "Why don't you eat dinner with us tonight?" She suggested, and James wanted to decline, he wanted to decline more than anything else. But when he turned around and saw her expression, he knew that he couldn't turn down her offer.

She looked so sad. Although she was wearing a smile on her face James could see the sorrow laced in her blue eyes, the pleading that was contained there. She wanted him to eat with them. She wanted nothing more than for her son and Carlos to stop acting like a bunch of pricks so that they could be a family again. She didn't want James to be alone.

And who would James be to deny her? He had lost his mother to the depths of her own mind two years previous and since that day, Mrs. Knight had been just as much of a mother to him as his own mom was. He felt sorrow clench his heart in an iron grip but instead of crying like he wanted to, James smiled. It was a small smile, a forced smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"Okay," He said finally, feeling the pain in his heart lessen when he saw Mrs. Knight smile in return. She turned around just as James made his way to the dinner table. Once arriving at his usual spot he took the plate from his lap and set it on the table, alongside with the fork that he probably didn't need because he was going to eat finger food. He tried to ignore the way that Logan wouldn't meet his gaze, the way that Carlos' glare felt like it was burning into his _soul_, the way that once he pulled up to the table Kendall immediately scooted his chair as far away from James as the table would allow.

Just as James settled in, Mrs. Knight leaned over him, setting down a tall glass of chocolate milk. James smiled at her again, thanking her before taking a sip of his milk.

At James' words, Kendall pretended to choke on his own drink. "Woah," He said, his eyes wide. "Did you hear that, Carlos?"

Carlos wore a similar expression of mock surprise. "Yeah, but I think I heard it wrong," He said. "I mean, there's no way that James just said _thank you_."

Logan's eyes were darting back and forth between his two friends, wondering where this was going. He had been locked away in his room for the past few days and therefore hadn't been able to witness Kendall and Carlos' snide remarks towards James. Now, he was surprised that his friends were doing such a thing.

He was even more surprised that James' jaw simply clenched and instead of retaliating, he looked down, staring at his food and pushing it around with his fork.

But Kendall and Carlos didn't stop, much to Logan's surprise. "No, you heard him right," Kendall informed Carlos, sneaking a glare at James. "I just didn't know that James knew how to express any form of gratitude whatsoever."

"Me either," Carlos egged on. "I thought that he was a selfish, ungrateful—"

James cut him off. "Stop it!" The outburst surprised everyone; it even made Katie drop her fork. "I get the point, alright? I already know that I'm a horrible person. You two don't need to remind me every five seconds!"

Much to Kendall and Carlos' dismay, James' fork dropped to his plate with a clatter and he buried his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and he was taking in deep, shuddering breaths, making little whimpers every few seconds.

Suddenly, he pulled his hands away, his face tear-stricken and his eyes already becoming red and puffy. "May I please be excused?" He asked, his voice breaking on the last word. Kendall and Carlos felt guilt twist their hearts, watching as their emotionally distressed friend broke down in front of them. And it was their fault.

Instead of waiting for an answer, James expertly backed away from the table and quickly sped out of the room. A few seconds of silence passed before it was broken by the sound of a door slamming shut.

This sparked a reaction within Logan. "What the heck is wrong with you two?" He demanded, pushing his chair out and standing up. He gave Kendall and Carlos each disappointing glances.

"What's wrong with us?" Carlos asked. "James is the one who was horrible to you the other day! You haven't come out of your room since your last surgery, Logan. He hurt you."

"Well I appreciate the concern, but I'm a big boy," He told them. "I can take care of myself. What's not okay is what you just said to James. How long has this been going on?"

Katie chimed in then. "They've been mean to him ever since his birthday," She said quietly. Logan's head turned to look at her, and she nodded in answer to his silent question on whether or not this was true.

Logan averted his attention back to Kendall and Carlos. "So you've been horrible to him since he said that to me," He clarified, and Kendall and Carlos nodded. "You two are the biggest hypocrites I've ever met. You're mad at James for being mean to me, but then you turn around and do the same thing back to him! That doesn't make you two any better. Did you not hear him the other day?"

"Yeah we heard him," Kendall said, standing as well and refusing to back down. "He was a total jerk off!"

"That's not what I'm talking about, Kendall," He said fiercely. "Obviously I was the only one who was paying attention when James admitted to us that he was depressed. Apparently I'm the only one who heard him say that he can't go a day without wanting to kill himself." Kendall's anger evaporated, his expression softening. "And if you two were his friends, you would remember that instead of driving him to think like that even more with how cruel you've been being."

Without another word, Logan turned on his heel, still fuming as he stormed out of the room.

* * *

Surprisingly, James didn't have any trouble getting in his and Kendall's room. He slammed the door behind him and didn't even bother turning on the light as he found his desk in the darkness, turning on his desk lamp and ripping open his desk drawer.

He searched through the pens and pencils and other random things before his fingers found the small stick that was his lighter. James' eyes searched for the fork that he always used to burn himself, but it was nowhere to be found. Becoming frustrated, James set the lighter down and pulled off his fingerless glove, throwing it on the ground before ripping up his sleeve hastily.

The movement caused his injured wrist to scream in pain, but instead of caring about it James searched amongst the burns covering his forearm for a new place to burn. Instead of using the metal of the fork like he usually did, he was just going to put the flame to his bare skin.

He picked his lighter back up and flicked it on, the flame illuminating his face slightly. Just as he was about to hold the flame to his skin, he heard a knock on the door and the sound of Logan calling his name from the other side.

James let the flame die and threw the lighter into his drawer, slamming it shut before pulling his sleeve back down quickly. "Come in," He replied, putting his burned arm across his abdomen.

The door opened and Logan walked in, closing the door behind him. "Are you okay?" He asked unsurely, giving James a once-over.

James nodded briskly. "I'm fine," He quipped, hoping Logan will drop it.

However, his friend was too stubborn for his own good. "I'm sorry," Logan said, pulling Kendall's desk chair over to where James was sitting and plopping down right in front of his friend. His bad leg was stretched outward, the new white brace Logan had gotten after his surgery preventing him from sitting normally.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," James told him honestly, wiping a few stray tears away from his face. "I'm the one that was mean to you in the first place. I should be the one who's apologizing, not you."

Logan sighed. "James, I'm not going to lie and tell you what you said to me didn't hurt me," He began. "But even if it did, Kendall and Carlos have no right to be as horrible to you as they have been. When did this all start?"

James looked down. "Um, after I said what I said to you on my birthday, I went on the roof," He started. "Kendall followed me and said some not-so-nice things. Then I went down to the pool and one of the Jennifers pissed me off and then I fell into the pool—"

"You fell into the pool?" Logan asked incredulously.

James nodded. "Yeah, but Buddha Bob helped me out," He explained. "My wheelchair was broken though, so he had to carry me back to the apartment. Then Kendall wouldn't let me into our room so I had to sleep on the couch. Kendall and Carlos have been saying things to me ever since the morning after my birthday. But it's okay. I deserve them," He finished miserably.

Logan shook his head, scooting his chair closer to James. "No you don't, James," He told his friend. "Nobody deserves to be treated like crap. I told Kendall and Carlos to stop talking to you like they have been, but if they do it again I won't hesitate to throw punches at them."

"Logan," James said, looking up. He reached up and brushed his hair out of his eyes. "You don't have to do that—"

"What happened to your wrist?" Logan cut in, his eyes wide and staring at James' swollen wrist.

James gulped. "Oh," He said, wrapping his other hand around it and wincing at the pain it caused him. "I fell out of bed trying to put my glasses on the nightstand and landed on it funny." He purposely failed to mention that Kendall wouldn't help him back into bed and he had to sleep on the floor that night.

"Let me see it," Logan said, moving to the edge of his chair and trying to grab James' hand.

"No, Logan, it's fine," James tried to protest, but Logan gave him a stern look.

"It could be broken, James," Logan told him. "Just let me look at it and we can see whether or not you have to go to the hospital."

James didn't want Logan to see his wrist. James was almost certain that it was broken, and if it was he was right he would have to go to the hospital. And if he went to the hospital, surely the doctor would have to pull up his sleeves and then his burns would be revealed. And then, James would have to go to therapy or counseling because he was hurting himself. He was sure that none of the doctors would believe that he was only doing it because he deserved it.

Before he could protest again, Logan had already grabbed James' hand in his and was now pulling back his sleeve to get a better look. James looked away, not wanting to see Logan's face when his burns showed.

But he still heard Logan, his gasp filling the otherwise quiet room. "James," He choked out, staring at his best friend's arm.

A myriad of shiny red burns stood out against James' skin, creating some sort of sick pattern. They started at his wrist and travelled up most of his arm, blotchy and angry and looking painful. Logan knew that these burns weren't there by accident. James had been doing this to himself for God knows how long.

"James," He repeated. "How long?" His voice was hoarse and quiet.

James was still looking away in shame. "Two days," He said quietly, flinching as Logan brought one of his fingers to touch the burns on James' skin.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Logan asked, tearing his eyes away from James' arm and searching his face for the answer. James still refused to look at him. "Jay, look at me," Logan said. When James finally met his gaze, he continued. "Why are you doing this?"

At Logan's words, James began to cry again. "Because I deserve it," He told Logan, fumbling over his words. "I was horrible to you and I made you sad. You wouldn't come out of your room and Carlos and Kendall were really mad at me." He choked on a sob. "They kept reminding me of how horrible I was so I figured I needed to be punished. Every burn is a different reason why I'm horrible, according to Kendall and Carlos."

Logan looked down. There had to be over twenty burns littering James' arm, and that had been over the course of two days. _Two days._ That meant James had burned himself multiple times for the past two days, which translated into Kendall and Carlos making their rude comments multiple times a day. Logan felt anger flare inside of him at the other half of their group.

"You don't deserve it, James," He told his friend. "But you need to go to the hospital, okay? Your wrist needs to be properly casted or it won't heal right. And your burns need to be treated, too."

"No," James sobbed. "They're going to make me go to therapy! I don't need therapy, Logan. I'm not crazy!"

Logan shushed him. "Hey," He said softly. "You're not crazy. If you need to go to therapy, I'll be there every step of the way. We'll find a therapist or counselor that lets me be in the room with you, alright? I promise that I won't leave you."

James looked at Logan with teary eyes. "Promise?"

"I promise," Logan swore quickly. "I'm going to get Mrs. Knight, okay? She's going to take you to the hospital. I'm going to stay here and have a little chat with Kendall and Carlos."

James shook his head. "Don't be mean to them," He begged, "I don't want them angry with me."

"They won't be angry with you," Logan told him. "I'm going to go get Kendall's mom. Stay here, I'll be right back."

James nodded and watched Logan get up and leave the room. Everyone's eyes were on him as he approached the kitchen, but when he stopped in front of the table he was only looking at Mrs. Knight.

"Mama K," He began. "James needs to go to the hospital."

Mrs. Knight stood up immediately, worry lacing her features. "What's wrong?" She asked. Kendall, Carlos and Katie looked concerned as well, but Logan wasn't about to reveal James' condition for them all to hear.

"I think you should come with me," He said instead, giving Kendall and Carlos a hard glare before leaving with Mrs. Knight to James' room.

Kendall and Carlos looked at each other uneasily. Why would James need to go to the hospital?

Fortunately, they didn't have to wait for long. A few minutes after they had left, Mrs. Knight and Logan returned into the room, Mrs. Knight pushing James. Kendall, Carlos and Katie all craned their necks to see what was wrong, but James had his head down and his arms drawn to his body. Physically, they couldn't see what was wrong with him.

"Kendall, I'm taking James to the hospital," She informed her son, her expression hard. "Keep an eye out for Katie and don't get into any trouble."

She grabbed her coat and threw it on, and with a final wave she pushed James out of the apartment.

Kendall immediately directed his attention to Logan. "What's wrong with him?" He demanded, taking a step towards the smaller boy.

Logan rolled his eyes. "So now you care?" Instead of waiting for Kendall's answer, Logan turned to Katie. "Katie, do you mind antagonizing Mr. Bitters for a little bit? I need to have a little talk with these two."

Katie had always been smart for her age. As an eleven year old, she was always strangely observant and knew more than most kids in her grade. She had noticed the change in James' demeanor lately and therefore knew that while Logan was going to reprimand Carlos and her older brother for being mean to James, he was also going to talk to them about how their words had affected their fourth best friend.

So instead of protesting, Katie nodded. She was sure she could occupy herself with tormenting Bitters while Logan had a talk with Kendall and Carlos.

Once Katie left, Logan pointed towards the bright orange couch. "Sit," He ordered, his expression stony. Kendall and Carlos didn't dare hesitate and obeyed Logan's order, sitting next to each other on one end of the couch.

Logan hobbled over to stand in front of them. "Explain yourselves. _Now_," He said sternly. "Start from the beginning and don't spare me any details."

Kendall and Carlos exchanged nervous glances. "Well," Carlos began. "After what he said to you, James stormed off. Kendall got really angry and followed him, but I stayed with you because you were crying really hard and I was worried."

"I was really, really mad at him," Kendall explained. "I said some things that I probably shouldn't have said—"

"What did you say to him?" Logan demanded, interrupting his friend's speech.

Kendall looked down. "I told him that he was ungrateful and that I agreed with him. That I wish you hadn't saved him because he didn't deserve to be saved."

Logan was stunned. Kendall had only said something even remotely as horrible as that to someone completely outside their friend group who was threatening their friendship. But James had been their best friend for years. In fact, he and Kendall had been friends for the longest out of any of them. Logan was completely astonished that Kendall would even dream of saying something so horrible to James.

"Kendall," Logan said in disappointment. "You really told him that? On his _birthday?_"

Kendall looked away. "I know," He admitted miserably. "I just—I was so mad. And I guess I still am mad. He had no right to say what he said to you, Logan."

Logan sighed, sitting down on the other side of the couch. "Again, I appreciate the fact that you're both sticking up for me," He said gratefully. "But you can't take everything out on James. You're being horrible hypocrites." The anger in his voice returned. "We all promised James that we would be here for him no matter what. We all promised each other forever ago that we would _stick together_.

"And what have you two been doing?" Logan asked harshly. "You've been kicking him while he's already down. Did you even stop to think about this what might be doing to him?"

"Of course we did," Carlos chimed in. "But you know what? I think James deserves everything we said. He's been ungrateful and he didn't even smile when we gave him his present, Logan. And now he's strolling around in it like it's the best thing ever—"

"He fell into the pool, Carlos," Logan cut in, his voice harsh. The news seemed to surprise both Kendall and Carlos but Logan didn't care. "I don't know the whole story but I do know that Buddha Bob saved his life. James would have drowned without Buddha Bob. He told me that his wheelchair broke when he fell in and that Buddha Bob had to carry him back to the apartment." He paused to let the words sink in and then directed his anger to Kendall. "And then you wouldn't even let him in your room," He said. "Need I repeat that it was his birthday?"

Kendall still refused to look at his friend. "I know, I know," He said again. "I just—I was mad."

"You seem to be angry a lot, Kendall," Logan pointed out. "Maybe you need to go to counseling. Hey, here's an idea—you can go with James!"

Carlos and Kendall's heads both snapped up at the same time. "What do you mean? James has to go to counseling? _Why_?" Carlos demanded in a rush, his words tripping over each other.

Logan sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. "Of course James has to go to counseling," Logan said. "He's paralyzed and he's depressed. Obviously he needs to talk to someone about it. I think it's gotten to the point where we can't help him on our own anymore."

"Can't people at the hospital help him?" Carlos asked, his brow furrowing.

"I'm pretty sure whoever is seeing him now is going to recommend therapy or counseling just like I have," Logan informed his friends.

Kendall leaned forward, resting his elbows just behind his knees and clasping his hands together. "What?" He asked. "Why? You never told us why he needed to go to the hospital in the first place."

"He's hurt," Logan told him simply. "He fell out of bed the other night, apparently. I guess he put his hand out to catch him or something. I'm almost positive that his wrist is broken, and by the way it looked…it didn't happen last night."

Kendall's cheeks flushed. He was certain that James had broken his wrist the night he heard a loud thud and then proceeded to tell James to shut up when his friend cursed and hissed in pain. Now he felt even more horrible then he already did. "Okay," He finally said, trying to push the guilt out of his mind. "But that doesn't explain why he needs counseling, Logan. What aren't you telling us?"

Logan sighed. No matter how mad he was at his two friends at the moment, he was afraid to see their reactions to the news he was about to bring. He adopted a similar position to Kendall's, though he moved closer to his friends and almost all traces of anger that he had before evaporated into thin air.

"He's been self-harming," Logan said gently, tears forming in his eyes. He winced when all of the color drained in Kendall's face, his friend's eyes widening in panic. And he wanted anything more than to pull Carlos into a hug when silent tears made their way down his friend's cheeks.

Carlos gulped. "How?" He asked quietly, his voice cracking on the simple word.

Although it wasn't a straightforward question, Logan knew what Carlos was asking. "I—" Logan stopped to take a deep breath. "He's been burning himself. His entire forearm is covered in no less than twenty burns."

Kendall and Carlos exchanged looks of worry. "Why is he doing it?" Kendall asked. He prayed that Logan wouldn't answer him the way he was thinking Logan would answer. "Is it just because he's depressed or something? How long has this been going on?"

"Two days," Logan said quietly.

"You didn't answer why he was doing it, Logan," Carlos pointed out shakily.

Logan let out a sigh. "I don't know if I interpreted him exactly right," Logan said, trying to lessen the pain that he knew he was going to inflict on his friends. Seeing the compunction in their eyes made him much less angry than he was before. "He said he thought that he deserved it," Logan explained, looking down. "He said that each burn represented a reason as to why he was horrible. And he knew all of these reasons because…because one of you had said it to him."

He didn't want to see his friends' reactions but his curiosity got the best of him. He peered up through his lashes and immediately wished he hadn't.

Kendall looked like he was torn between throwing up and crying. He was staring ahead without really looking at anything, as if he couldn't comprehend Logan's words and what they meant. It scared Logan. Kendall, who always had the answer. Kendall, who had been the leader since they first met. Now he was left searching for answers, something Logan wasn't used to.

While Kendall was void of any emotion, Carlos was the complete opposite. He looked to be trying to compose himself but after a few seconds of furiously blinking away tears, a loud sob escaped from his lips and broke past the dam of tears he was trying to keep at bay. "We did this to him," He cried, burying his face into his hands.

Logan immediately scooted closer to Carlos, enveloping his younger friend into a hug. He wanted to do the same thing for Kendall, but just as he was about to reach out his friend stood up so fast that it made him dizzy. Logan could only watch as Kendall staggered towards the door, tripping over his own feet as he finally made his way to the entrance of the apartment and left.

Instead of going after him, Logan turned his attention back to Carlos. He knew that Kendall would want to be alone for a while before talking to anyone.

"It's okay," Logan whispered to his crying friend, pulling Carlos' shaking form impossibly closer to his own. "It's going to be okay, Carlos."

"No it's not," Carlos wailed. "Kendall and I—w-we were so _mean_ to him, Logan. You didn't h-h-hear the things we said to him." His words were interrupted by a loud sob that tore out of his throat and it took him several minutes to continue. "He's hurting himself because of _us_, L-Logie. I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me," His voice broke on the word 'hated' and at the same time, Logan's heart broke for his friend.

Logan began rubbing soothing circles up and down Carlos' back. "He could never hate you, Carlitos," Logan said softly. "He was afraid that when I told you what happened, you would be angry. In fact, your reaction only shows that you care. I promise you that James won't hate you. Actually I think he'll be relieved that you don't hate him."

Carlos buried his head into Logan's shoulder, his right hand gripping tightly at his friend's shirt. "I didn't mean to be so horrible," Carlos confessed. "Just—he was so mean to you a-and I thought he n-needed to be taught a lesson. I never meant to make him hurt like that. Kendall, too."

"I know, Carlos," Logan said. "And I believe you. And I know that if you tell James the same thing, he'll believe you, too."

Carlos hiccupped. "Really?" He asked, sounding like a small child.

"Of course," Logan assured him. "Because no matter how horrible we are to one another, we're still best friends, right?" Carlos nodded. "Exactly. We've been best friends for most of our lives. I know that James isn't ready to throw that away, not for anything."

Carlos didn't respond. Instead, he focused on calming down and composing himself. It took him several minutes, but finally the tears slowed and stopped completely, leaving his face wet and the skin under his eyes a little irritated.

He pulled away from Logan. "I'm sorry," He whispered, leaning back against the couch cushion.

Logan smiled at him. "It's okay," He said gently. "But I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." Carlos looked down. "But when you do apologize to James," Logan added. "He'll say the same thing. All he wants is for it to be right again, Carlos. He would forgive you in a heartbeat even if you had done something even worse to him. That's what best friends are for."

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **I'm still looking for my heart, in case you were wondering. The boys really want me to have it back. I'm pretty sure you guys want me to have it back, too. –shot- Review?

**Miss Fenway Note: **Well, my heart is still in several pieces and one of them is where you are, Alex. So come home!


	24. Faulty

**OMWGNOTE: **Ohoho! Mixing things up with who the angst is directed at in this chapter.

…Is it horrible that I think this is a good thing?

**Miss Fenway Note: **Sharing is caring. James and Logan have been very selfish, keeping the angst all to themsevles.

* * *

"_Call me a name, kill me with words. Forget about me; it's what I deserve." –Jasey Rae, All Time Low_

Kendall had always been the leader.

It was an unspoken fact in their group of friends that Kendall was in charge of everything. Although he wasn't exactly the oldest of the four, he had always been the one to be strong in bad situations and make everyone feel better.

But that wasn't what he had been doing lately.

He knew that James was depressed. So long ago he had had a conversation with James about depression. James had promised Kendall that he would come directly to his friend whenever he was feeling depressed. Of course Kendall had noticed the change in James' demeanor, but he relied on that promise and thought nothing of it.

That wasn't even the worst part. Not only did he blatantly ignore his friend's downward spiral, he helped push James to the very bottom. James had admitted to Kendall on his birthday that he couldn't go a day without wanting to kill himself, that he _was_ depressed. But all Kendall could focus on was the fact that James had been mean to Logan and made him cry. Obviously, Kendall had gotten mixed up. In an effort to protect one of his best friends, he had hurt the other.

Kendall was glad that Logan was the one to go after James. He wouldn't be able to handle seeing the burns on his friend's arms, knowing that every horrible comment he had made to James in the last few days was a reason behind it.

When he left the apartment he didn't really know where he was going. He wasn't even taking in the scenery around him as he let his feet guide him, and it was only when he felt the cool of the evening air when Kendall realized he had wandered off to the roof of the Palm Woods.

There was something about being up there that calmed Kendall immensely. Maybe it was the fresh air, or the fact that it was almost always empty, but after going up on the roof Kendall usually felt calmer than he did when he first went up. But that wasn't the case today.

Dark clouds hung in the steadily darkening sky, foreboding a rainstorm. But Kendall didn't care. The weather matched his mood perfectly.

He felt horrible. He had never felt so worthless in his life. Even being on the roof now couldn't calm him, because he was only reminded of the last time he was here on James' birthday. When he had started the verbal abuse that had driven his best friend to self-harm, to mutilating his own body. To say Kendall hated himself was an understatement.

Kendall walked forward, continuing to move until he was at the ledge of the building. He looked out at the scenery below him and sighed, dropping himself to the ground and crossing his legs. He put his head in his hands, trying to take deep breaths to prevent himself from crying.

He had messed up so terribly. James had been hurting all because of what he said, and it wasn't a problem for Kendall to take blame for everything that James had done to himself. Kendall couldn't believe that he had been so stupid. He was supposed to be the leader. He was the one who was supposed to be protecting everyone, but instead he turned around and hurt one of them.

Kendall let out a shaky sigh and gripped his hair, blonde tufts sticking out between his fingertips as he pulled on the strands. He had been so _stupid_, and James had paid the price. Words couldn't describe how disappointed in himself he was.

It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes before Kendall heard the door open and the sound of someone walking towards him. Obviously it wasn't James, and it definitely couldn't be Logan. He assumed that it was Carlos, or maybe even Katie. Even though he had no idea who it was, he still didn't go through the trouble of lifting his head to see the person even as they sat down next to him.

"It's going to rain soon, you know," The person said, and Kendall immediately recognized the voice as Jo's. He looked up to find his girlfriend not looking at him, but at the sky, and when Kendall glanced at what her stare was fixed on he too could see the storm clouds in the last light of the day.

Kendall sighed. "How did you know I was here?" He asked, completely ignoring her statement. He knew she was right, that it was going to rain, but he couldn't find himself caring.

Jo looked at him. "We were supposed to watch a movie in your apartment," She told him, and Kendall immediately felt bad for forgetting about their date. "When I got there, Logan told me you had run off, and you always come up here to think, so…here I am."

"Here you are," Kendall repeated dully. It wasn't that he didn't want Jo there, he just didn't want her to know how much of an idiot he was and how it had affected his friends.

The blonde girl sighed. "What happened, Kendall?"

Kendall let out a bitter laugh before he could stop himself. "What didn't happen?" He asked, finally taking his gaze away from the foreboding clouds and locking his eyes with Jo's. "I was a jerk and it affected James."

"I'm sure he'll forgive you," Jo said, trying to soothe him. But it didn't work.

"I don't want him to forgive me," Kendall said. "He shouldn't forgive me." He felt his throat begin to hurt and tears burned at the back of his eyes.

Jo turned so she was facing him, grabbing one of his hands in hers. "Tell me what happened," She said seriously.

Kendall looked from her face to their hands, staring at their laced fingers for a moment before looking back to her face. He knew that he could trust her, but he was still terrified she might hate him after hearing what he did to James. Still, he took a deep breath and told her anyway.

"On James' birthday…we got him that really nice wheelchair," He began. "And um, I don't think he was too happy about it. And well, he told us he was depressed and everything and then he told Logan that he wished Logan never saved him because being dead would be better than being paralyzed.

"Then he left," Kendall said, and looked down to his lap. "He came up here and I followed him. I…I told him that he was right, that Logan never should have saved him because he was ungrateful and didn't deserve it." Kendall couldn't bear to see Jo's reaction, but he continued anyway. She deserved to know he whole story.

"For a few days after his birthday, Logan wouldn't talk to anyone and so Carlos and me were really mad," He continued in a whisper. "We were saying these horrible things to him, and he even fell out of his bed one night and I didn't help him. I let him sleep on the floor, Jo." He snuck a glance up at his girlfriend to see her not looking angry and disappointed like he expected her to. Instead, she just stared at him with a gaze that let him know that she was listening.

She sighed. "That's not all that happened, is it?" Jo asked quietly. She knew Kendall wouldn't be _this_ upset if that was all that happened.

He looked down again. "No," Kendall whispered. "I—at dinner, Carlos and I said some things we shouldn't have said, and he just broke down. He started crying at the table and everything." He stopped for a moment, trying to hold back his tears when he looked up at Jo. "He went into our room, and Logan went after him, and then Logan came out a few minutes later and told my mom that James needed to go to the hospital."

Kendall noticed that Jo immediately straightened at the information, concerned for the well-being of her boyfriend's best friend. "Kendall, what happened?"

"I—" He wished she would stop asking that. He didn't want to let her know that his actions had driven James to hurting himself. He didn't want her to hate him for being such a horrible person. But he also knew that he needed to be honest with her. "He's been hurting himself, Jo. I didn't see, but…but Logan said his arm is _covered_ in burns, and it's because me and Carlos were so mean to him."

Jo look surprised, but Kendall still didn't see the look of hatred and disappointment that he had expected. "Why aren't you mad at me?" Kendall asked. He didn't understand why Jo could act so nonchalantly about this situation.

"Because you seem genuinely upset. I can tell you really regret this, Kendall," Jo explained. "Don't worry about it, okay? James will forgive you, I'm sure of it. Everything's going to be okay."

"But that's just it," Kendall said, his voice still strained with tears. "James is going to forgive me even though I don't deserve it. That's the problem. He's too trusting, and he needs to realize that he shouldn't trust me. He _can't _trust me."

"Kendall—"

But she didn't get to finish her sentence. "No," Kendall said. "Don't try to argue it, okay? It's true. James—I—Jo, he _hurt_ himself because of me. Because of what I said to him."

Jo moved so that she was sitting in Kendall, and she didn't speak until he looked her in the eyes. "Kendall," She began. "You're not going to make anything better if you keep beating yourself up over this. I know you don't think you deserve to be forgiven, but you _do_, Kendall. You and James have been best friends for so longer, longer than I have known anyone other than my parents. Everybody makes mistakes, but everyone deserves a second chance. You made a mistake, and I'm not saying what you did wasn't wrong, but James is going to give you a second chance because that's what you deserve."

Without saying a word, Kendall pulled his girlfriend close to him in a hug. Although he didn't exactly believe everything she told him, it was still a very nice effort made and improved Kendall's attitude towards himself a small amount. "Thank you," He whispered into her shoulder, trying to hold back his tears.

Jo pulled back, giving him a small smile. "You're welcome," She told him. "You should really come inside soon, okay? It's getting late and a lot colder." She looked up at the sky, seeing the dark clouds looming overhead even though it was dark out. "Plus, I think it's going to start raining in a few minutes."

Kendall nodded. "Okay," He said. "I'm just going to stay out here for a few more minutes and then I'll go inside."

"Alright," She said. "Goodnight, Kendall." She stood up and dropped a kiss on his head, then looked back at him once more before heading back inside.

Kendall knew that Jo was right, not only about how he should head inside soon, but also about the situation with him and James. But despite her reassuring him, Kendall still felt guilty about what he made James do and was still worried that their friendship would never be the same. He still was upset with himself and part of him still hoped James wouldn't forgive him, because it's what he deserved.

He pulled his knees up to his chest again and folded his arms over them, resting his chin on his forearms. Kendall stared at the sky and watched as the clouds moved closer to him and how the sky got darker. He felt his eyes begin to grow heavy with drowsiness and he changed the position of his head so that his forehead was leaning against his arms.

Kendall felt his eyes drip shut just as the first few drops of rain began to fall from the sky. He knew that this was his cue to get up and go back inside, but he was so _exhausted_ and all he wanted to do was sleep. Getting up and going all the way back to his apartment seemed like a difficult and daunting task, and Kendall wasn't feeling up to it at the moment.

So instead, he let himself fall asleep as the rain began to fall harder.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **Oh Kendall. You idiot. I love you.

And if you didn't like the Kendall/Jo fluff in this chapter, you can gtfo because Jo is awesome.

**Miss Fenway Note: **Jo is in New Zealand. -sobs- ALEX COMES HOME TOMORROW! So, this will be my last time updating "Disabled". It has been a pleasure, folks. So long. Goodbye. Farewell. Live long and prosper.


	25. Fixed

**OMWGNOTE: **I'M BACK! Thanks again to Laura for updating this for me while I was gone, and thank all of you for the reviews you left me. It was very fun reading them when I actually had internet on the ship.

All in all, I didn't really like my trip but I think I was just bitter the whole time. Plus, I'm kind of used to the time zone on the other side of the world currently, which is probably why I'm having trouble sleeping recently lol.

Oh yeah. And this is my first C25 for anything ever so that's always fun. And hopefully now updates will come quicker because it's SUMMER and I want this story done by August damnit.

* * *

"_This is the part where you find out who you are. These are your friends, those that have been here from the start." –Whoever She Is, The Maine_

James didn't think his mood that night could get any worse than it already was, but on his way home from the hospital, he knew that he was terribly wrong.

The entire way out of the Palm Woods and the car ride there was completely silent. James had been in the front seat beside Mrs. Knight and he kept stealing glances over at his maybe ex-friend's mother. The look on her face was stern and she did not once spare a glance in his direction, her icy glare always remaining on the road. She looked angry, and James couldn't help but think that he was the reason behind that anger. It seemed fitting because everyone else seemed to be angry with him lately, too.

Even when they arrived in the emergency room and had to wait for a little while, she still didn't speak to him. So instead, James sat silently clutching his broken wrist in his other hand and trying to keep the tears at bay. He felt like Logan and Camille were the only ones on his side now, and even despite Logan's constant reassurance that he would be there for James until the very end, James still felt iffy about it.

Logan had been nothing but kind when James showed him his burns, but when Mrs. Knight saw them, her gaze hardened and she had adopted the angry set in her face that she'd had all night long. James was most definitely under the impression that she, like Kendall and Carlos, was now angry with him as well. It seemed as though he couldn't do anything right.

Finally, James' name had been called and a nurse wheeled him into a small room. Mrs. Knight informed her of James' broken wrist and also the burns, causing James to blush. There was something very embarrassing about letting everyone know that he had hurt himself, especially when none of them seemed to understand the reason behind it.

His doctor had declared he had a "nasty break" in his wrist before he even got an x-ray. The doctor turned out to be right, anyway; after he _did_ get an x-ray, there did reveal to be a pretty bad break in his wrist. While a nurse went to go get him a cast (purple, because he only had the choice between that and pink), his doctor treated his burns with some cream. Since they were only first degree, there wasn't a lot to be done with them. Then his doctor left him alone and took Mrs. Knight into a separate room to have a little chat about him, James assumed.

While they were gone, the nurse returned with James' cast. She seemed to take extra time to encase his wrist in it, but maybe it just seemed longer because the last place James wanted to be was that office.

Mrs. Knight and his doctor returned just as the nurse was finishing up. Mrs. Knight still looked angry, but she now looked sad at the same time. Once James was done getting his cast on, they were free to go.

James was helped into the front seat and then he and Mrs. Knight began their way back to the Palm Woods. The tension was thick and it made James very uncomfortable in the completely silent car. He kept risking glances at Mrs. Knight, only to see that she had on the same expression she had been wearing all night. Suddenly there was a lump in his throat and tears burned at the back of his eyes. He wouldn't be able to take it if yet another person was angry with him.

Finally, as they stopped at an intersection, James couldn't take the silence anymore. He spoke up in a tentative and scared voice and cursed himself for sounding so pathetic.

"Are you mad at me?"

Mrs. Knight nearly jumped at the break in silence and then turned to look at James. A single tear was steadily making its way down his cheek and he looked afraid to hear her answer.

"Oh, honey," She said, sighing. "Of course not. I'm just a little upset that all of this has happened to you. You've been through so much."

She was right, and the thought brought more tears. "Kendall and Carlos are mad at me, though," He said sadly.

The light turned green and Mrs. Knight accelerated, though at the same time her expression stiffened. "I know," She said quietly. "They shouldn't be. I had no idea they were being so cruel to you, James, and for that, I'm sorry. But if they think for one minute that they can get by with their behavior over the past few days without punishment, then they're wrong."

James didn't want Carlos and Kendall to be punished for everything they said to him. He deserved it, and it would only make them angrier with him, anyway. But he decided not to voice this to Mrs. Knight. Instead, he asked, "Did the doctor say I had to go to therapy?"

Mrs. Knight glanced at James briefly before turning her attention back to the road, frowning at the rain drops that began to splatter the window. She turned on her windshield wipers before responding. "He recommended it," She said finally after a few moments of silence. "I called your father and talked to him about it, and he and I both agree that it would probably be best."

"Oh," James said. Did that mean Mrs. Knight and his father thought he was crazy? "Um. Did my dad say anything else?"

"Yes," She said, and James hoped that it wasn't what he thought it would be, but seeing as things were going, it wasn't going to be his lucky day. "He said that he's flying in tomorrow morning and that when he gets here, he and you are going to look into options for physical therapy."

That was everything he didn't want. "Okay." He tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice but he failed miserably.

"James, you know it's okay to get a little help sometimes," Mrs. Knight reminded him as they pulled into the Palm Woods. "It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you need a little more help than most people."

James wanted to believe her. He really, truly did. But that didn't change the fact that he was not at all excited about the prospect of therapy.

* * *

Mrs. Knight pushed James through the door of 2J to find Carlos and Logan lounging on the couch and watching television. James' doctor had given him orders to give his wrist a break and try to avoid wheeling himself around too much, so James had allowed Mrs. Knight to push him through the lobby. Carlos and Logan looked up when they arrived, completely ignoring the program that was playing in front of them. They didn't seem too absorbed in it in the first place.

"Where are Kendall and Katie?" Mrs. Knight asked as she hung up her coat. James busied himself with poking at his new cast, afraid to meet Carlos' eyes.

Logan pushed himself up off the couch with a little difficulty because of his new brace. "Katie is downstairs, maybe in the lobby or at the pool. She didn't really specify," He explained. "And um, Kendall kind of wandered off on his own. Jo came by like twenty minutes ago because I guess they were supposed to do something tonight. I told her I didn't know where he was, but she thinks she has a pretty good idea and went off to look for him."

"Alright," Mrs. Knight said. "Thank you, Logan. I think I'll go back downstairs to get Katie, and then maybe we'll drop by Jo's apartment to see if Kendall's with her. I'll be back in a bit." Then she left again, leaving the three boys alone.

James was still sitting in his wheelchair, awkwardly picking at his cast and trying to avoid contact with Carlos. Carlos seemed to be doing the same thing, and Logan was just standing there awkwardly in the middle. He knew that both of his friends wanted to mend their relationship with one another, and seeing as neither of them were going to take the initiative, it seemed as though he would have to.

Logan limped over to where Carlos was sitting and pulled him into a standing position by the upper arm, ignoring Carlos' startled expression. He proceeded to drag Carlos along until they were both standing in front of James, and then Logan took a step back and waited for his friends to interact.

James finally looked up from his lap to look at Carlos. Carlos noted, with a sudden pang of guilt in his chest, that James looked afraid to talk to him. He realized if he wanted to fix their problem, which he desperately did, then he would have to make the first move.

He opened his mouth to speak and immediately noticed that James flinched the second his lips parted and he drew in a breath. James was afraid that he was going to start spitting out more insults at him. Carlos felt even guiltier as he realized the effects his cruelty had on his best friend.

"Hi, James," He finally said in a quiet voice. James relaxed his tense posture a bit when he heard Carlos' gentle tone.

James gave Carlos a small smile. "Hi," He responded, his voice just as quiet as Carlos'.

Carlos bent down and enveloped James in a huge bear hug, startling the younger boy completely. But once James realized what was happening, he wrapped his arms around Carlos as well.

"I'm so sorry," Carlos whispered into James' shoulder, his tears staining his friend's sweater. "If I could take back everything I said, I would James, I swear. I was just really angry and—"

"Carlos, it's okay," James interrupted, though he sound like he was still unsure on whether this was a dream or reality. "Everything's fine. I'm not mad."

Carlos pulled away from their hug and dropped so that he was kneeling in front of James. "But you hurt yourself because of me," He said tearfully. "That's not okay."

"It is okay, though," James said. "As long as you'll be my friend again."

"You never weren't my friend, James."

* * *

James had returned to his room after making up with Carlos, claiming that he was tired. It wasn't exactly a lie, though; he was tired. It was nearing nine at night but that wasn't the reason. His day had been emotionally exhausting and he could use some rest. However, he didn't go to sleep. Instead, he wheeled himself to his desk and began messing around with random objects just to pass the time until Kendall would get back. He wasn't sure if his other best friend was ready to mend things between them, but a part of him really hoped so, seeing as he and Carlos made up,

A soft knock on the door caused James to look up from where his head was buried in his arms. He mumbled something that he hoped sounded like approval and then the door opened, revealing Logan standing there with a concerned look on his face. He limped over to the desk where James was sitting at and pulled up the chair he had used just earlier that night. He had to repress a shudder at the thought of the burns covering James' skin and was quite glad that the cast adorning James' arm was now covering most of them.

Logan leaned forward and followed James' demonstration by leaning on the unoccupied space of the desk, leaving his chin resting on his arms. "How're you holding up?" He asked softly.

Instead of looking at his friend, James looked straight ahead. "I'm okay," He replied quietly.

"How was the doctor's?" Logan pressed. He could tell that James was more distressed than he was when he left.

James gave a small shrug. "Fine," He mumbled.

Logan sighed. "Can I get more than one syllable?" James still didn't say anything. "James, what happened?"

Finally, James looked towards Logan. "The doctor recommended therapy," He said, barely audible. Logan could see the fear plainly in his friend's eyes. "Plus Mrs. Knight called my dad, who now knows how much of a screw-up I am, and the minute he walks through the door he's going to send me to physical therapy, because that's the deal we made. So now I have to go to regular therapy _and_ physical therapy, not to mention the fact that Kendall still hates me."

"Kendall doesn't hate you," Logan reassured him quickly. "You're not a screw-up, and James, it's okay that you have to go to therapy. It doesn't mean that anything's wrong with you. It just means that you need a little help. There's nothing wrong with that."

"There's _everything_ wrong with that," James protested. "Logan, look at me. I can't do anything write. I was horrible to you and made you upset. I can't even take a few comments from Carlos and Kendall without crying, which is irritating my eyes and making me wear my stupid glasses. And now I have to go to therapy and I'm _terrified_."

Logan reached out his arm and put a hand on James' shoulder. "James, it's _okay_," He stressed. "We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. What you said to me hurt, but I'm over it. I know you didn't mean it. As far as Kendall and Carlos go, they were _horrible_ to you, James. A lot of people, including myself, would probably have cried over what they said to you. And Jay, I already promised that I would go to every single therapy session with you, and Carlos might come, too. What's there to be scared of?"

"I don't know. I just," He paused, giving a defeated sigh. "I want to know when I started getting so _stupid_."

"Around the same time as me, I bet," Logan replied, giving a tight smile.

James shook his head. "You're not stupid," He told him. "It's not like you were depressed for weeks and hid it from all your friends and then resorted to self-harm when things got bad."

"Well, no, I didn't do _that_," He agreed, "But I was the one who refused medication after a very painful knee surgery because I thought I deserved the pain."

Immediately, James sat straight up from his hunched position and gave Logan an incredulous look. "_What_?"

Logan shrugged. "It's not a big deal," He said nonchalantly, as if he were talking about the weather instead of inducing himself pain. "I was just upset over what you said the night before, so when the doctor asked if I wanted pain meds, I lied and told him I was fine." James was still staring at him as if he had two heads, though, and now tears were forming in his eyes, obviously blaming himself yet again. "James, it's okay. I'm fine now. And I'll have you know that I have an entire prescription bottle of pain medication and that I'm taking the doses I'm supposed to."

James turned his chair towards Logan, like maybe it would help him get a better look at his friend. "L-Logan," He stuttered, "Why would you even _think_ about doing that?"

"Because I thought I deserved it," Logan replied, his voice even.

But Logan's calm tone about this only made James angrier. "Logan, that's completely ridiculous—"

"It is, isn't it?" Logan interrupted. He reached out and gently took James' hand in his, carefully pulling back his friend's sleeve to reveal his whole arm. The purple cast that was now protecting James' broken wrist was now covering several of the burns, but half of them could still be seen on the parts of James' skin that weren't covered. The burns looked better than they had earlier, seeing as they were now treated and healing, but Logan's heart still twisted at the sight. In a steady voice, he said, "That's why I don't understand this."

James cheeks flushed, adding to the color that they already were. "But, Logan—"

"No buts," Logan said, interrupting again. "I'm going to bring out Rafiki method and remind you that you can run from the past or you can learn from it."

"Well obviously I can't run…" James mumbled sadly under his breath.

"That's not the point," Logan said quickly. "The point is, I know you think that you deserved the pain. I thought I deserved the pain, too. But everything is getting better, James, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. You're not going to be like this forever, buddy. I promise."

James didn't know what Logan was referring to: his paralysis or his depression. But either way, he believed in Logan. He had hope for the first time in a long time. And maybe, it would be enough to hold him over.

* * *

**OMWGNOTE: **Set the sails for Kendallangst, mateys. That was kind of really flamboyant of me to say huh.

Anyway, it would be really cool if you guys pulled together and reviewed because we're almost at 300! I saw Harry Potter last night and my heart is in angsty shambles so maybe that will help with writing this and finally getting up the next chapter of Inhuman and the first chapter of Safe Haven.


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